I stared in shock and horror. I could almost feel the explosion through my TV screen. My controller shock in my hands as I shook with terror. This can’t be happening, this cannot be the way it is. I watched helplessly as I saw a team mate throw a grenade at two of our own people. This was no accident, this was well thought out. This was methodical. It was a team killer and he had just added two more victims to his list.
I play several different games in the Xbox world but I prefer those games where I can play online with a team. It seems to bring more enjoyment for me. I like having the team goal, the commadrie and shared experiences. Even though I can spend a lot of time by myself, I enjoy listening to others while I do. On occasion I might offer my opinion, but for the most part I can be pretty quite.
Unless you are a complete dumb ass. Then I usually have to speak up. If you are majorly stupid, then I might have to say something. I would prefer that someone else says something and will wait for it but sometimes it’s not quick enough. And by the time I am actually irritated to say something, I usually would really just like to punch you as that would probably drive the lesson home a lot faster than a 2 hour conversation. When you are a dumb ass, you get punched. That’s called positive reinforcement kids. It’s positive because I didn’t waste two of my hours trying to convince you that you are stupid.
But my wife will not let me punch people anymore and I haven’t slugged anyone in a good 14 years. I want to, but then my wife gives me that disappointed look. She’ll shake her head side to side, call me barbaric and then guilt me out of it. All of you should worship my wife.
Playing Xbox on line though gives me a different view though. It is an outlet for my sometimes violent tendencies. It is the virtual punch and it feels oh so good.
And that is where we welcome Mr. Team killer. For some reason this guy goes around shooting his own team. I have no idea why but it is the #1 thing that pisses me off during a good game. You are not looking to get shot by your own man.
When I saw Funkit(1) throw that grenade I knew what was happening. After 5 months of game playing on line, I am a veteran. I am seasoned. I am the guy that tells the new replacements to always dear god keep your feet clean. Nothing is worse than trench foot. Then I remind them to tuck in that lower lip before they get it caught on a trip wire.
The grenade sailed through the air. I yelled at my team mates but it was of no use. They didn’t even hear the blast because they were already dead. God speed my comrades, god speed.
There was nothing else for me to do. I want you to understand, I had to take the action that I was forced into. The Hossness in me demanded no less. I take no pride in my actions but I know that it was necessary.
I walked up behind Funkit(1) with my shotgun at the ready. I then gave him a double tap to t he head. He went down with a little breath escaping his digital lips. Then I teabagged him because it was necessary.
There is no due process in this man’s army. Traitors are dealt with harshly and immediately. There is no jury, there are no closing arguments. There is only the sweet abyss of oblivion. And now, Funkit(1), you have been judged and the payment is disconnecting from our game. I could hear him complaining over my headset. I knew that he was going to give me an unfavorable rating for my digital reputation. But I didn’t care, team killers deserve nothing better.
I have taken it upon myself to administer justice online when it is needed. It is not something that I enjoy to do and it is not something that I can delegate to someone else. My Pappy once told me that if you are man enough to sentence a man to the great beyond, you should be man enough to send him that way yourself. Yes Pappy, I will.
And it’s not just team killers that push my buttons (a pun!) the most. No ma’am, there are others that deserve as much justice as them.
I was running down that long preverbal hallway. There was smoke, the acrid smell of hot pockets lingered in the room. Visibility was low but I was on high alert. I shot into the darkness blindly, did I see something? My nerves were getting frayed. To my right, huddling in the corner were two other players. I won’t mention their names. For their infraction, they deserve no names.
As I was looking at these two players I was wondering why they were not moving. They didn’t seem to be doing anything. A buddy of mine had also commented on this. This was my mistake, paying attention to others when I should have been watching the blackness.
Charging straight forward my opponent came on. He had caught me by surprise. I immediately took evasive action. Shots rang out, punches were thrown. Help me! Dear God in Heaven Help Me!
But the two players in the corner did nothing. They watched. Shell Shocked, they stood there and watched my hopeless struggle for online life and more points. They could have raised their pistols and offered one shot. That is all that I needed to escape. But instead, they succumbed to their fears and could not fight. My digital soldier, battle ribbons in place, perished in that nameless tunnel.
I run my army like General Patton. You will fight damn you, by god you will fight. Again I knew what must be done. I respawed (xbox talk for come back to life in the game) and went back to that tunnel. They were still there and they were still cowed by fear. For their crime of letting a comrade down they were sentenced to a rifle grenade to the chest.
But this was not the worst infraction I have ever seen. The team jumper is one of the worst persons out there. He is worse than a team killer. He is worse than the inaction duo from before. This is a player that is on the opposing team. This player realizes that he is about to lose. So he then does the unthinkable.
He switches teams in the middle of the game and begins to sabotage our team. And he is blatant about it. This happened last night and my justice was quick and without mercy. It was a game of capture the flag, a very simple game that is played exactly how the title sounds. I noticed that for some odd reason, we were not capturing the flag. I looked on my players list and I understood why immediately. We have a team jumper. He is the Dracula to my Van Helsing.
I sent out the call to my comrades and then the hunt began. The team jumper, NFP JARS, had the flag. I checked my radar, there he was. There was no sneaking up on anyone this time. He knew what his crime was and he knew what the punishment was going to be. What he was counting on that the other players in the game did not want to carry it out for the fear of being “punished” by a bad review or a demotion.
I have no fear of such things. I do not play for points or rank. I play for carnage. I play for mayhem. I play for Jesus.
He was standing at our base giving a teabag to a fallen soldier. I could hear him laughing in our headset. I could hear several other players complaining but lacking the courage for what must be done. I gave him a rifle butt to the gut and then shot him in the face so that his digital widow could not identify the body.
He started calling me all kinds of names over the headset. I told him to have a coke and a smile and shut the fuck up. I picked up the flag and scored, victory is ours and justice has been done.
Later that evening I told my wife this story. She looked at me, sighed and shook her head. She said that violence is never the answer. I’m sorry honey, but sometimes it’s the only answer.