Today's Blog Brought To You By the Letter V

I am a 36 year old man and I have homework. Serious homework. Not some personal hobby thing that I am interested in, like building a bike that also doubles as a water craft. That would be cool and I would make a million dollars. With that million dollars I would pay off the teacher to do this homework for me. No, this homework is actually for a grade not soulless money that gives nothing back to the community. Except jobs. That's important. But this is more important because this may determine if my daughter goes to Harvard or not, in which case I will start working on that bike thing quickly as I will currently cannot afford Harvard.

I have to find a common household item that starts with the letter V.

The first person that throws out the term "vacuum cleaner" in the comments section, I'm going to punch you. I'm not kidding, right in the face. That was the first thing that I though to of too but it's not going to work.

My daughter has been assigned to be the letter expert in the letter V. I'm assuming because her name contains about 20 of them, the way I spell it. I also can't spell, as most of my readers will bear witness to in the grammar court of the internet. I just mispelled grammar. Spell check rocks and it's a pity I don't use it often to help me with my disability.

The rules of the homework are that she has to bring something to her kindergarten class that starts with the letter V that can fit in a ziplock bag. This bag will be stapled to the letter wall for all the kids, and eventually the parents, to judge her and me.

So go ahead, give it a shot. Give me some household items (that I would actually own) that start with the letter V that would fit in a sandwich bag and is appropriate for a 5 year old class.

I considered taking apart the vacuum cleaner and stuffing as much of it as I could into a bag but I don't think the kids would like it. However, I'm pretty sure my daughter would enjoy destroying something with me. It's our family past time.

I consulted the dictionary after thinking about this for about an hour. Not much luck there. I don't have any vagabonds, can't package velocity and victory is something you never package and giveaway. It's something you earn with blood and sweat and hours of internet searching for a household item that starts with the letter V.

I wish Sesame Street was here right now and if not them, perhaps the electric company and thier psychedelically ways. Maybe this is something I can only find if I'm high.

A verse is to cerebral for 5 year olds but I did consider cutting out a verse of Poe. It's creepy and educational but I'm sure the nightmarish horror of doing that might scar them forever. Not good. Vein, I have those although there may be a rule about blood and projects that I'm not aware of.

A vase would be perfect except does any body who reads this really think I own a miniature vase and that they would trust my daughter to get it to school without destroying it and her future? I could use a picture of my brother in law and entitle it "virgin" but that probably wouldn't work either, I think he may have had sex at one point. Vasectomy is out as well because in this house, we don't even speak of it although I may consider giving my left nut to find something suitable.

I thought of vitimins which may work but I think bringing pills to school may get my daughter into trouble and me under investigation, with starts with an I and ends in a long prison sentence.

I realize that I am thinking about this all wrong. I'm dad, let's play to my strengths. I considered grabbing my tools and ripping apart my radio for the volume button. But then I realized that I should go to my garage, my haven, the place I know best. I got stuff in there.

A voltage meter came to mind first. That's an A+ homework grade if I ever saw one. Unusual, sure. I have one which is better. But would the kids get it and could my daughter explain it, which is what she has to do. Then I found my vice grip pliers. Most people call them pliers but they are also known as vice grips. I could have given her my vice but it weighs about 20 pounds and I'm worried about what she would do with it when people owe her money. But the vice grips may be the answer here. I have 50 of those things, and some can fit in a baggie.

Feeling good about myself and expecting a congratulations letter from Harvard, I got my son dressed to go play in the yard. Vice grips would be fine and I would take an hour tonight to explain what they are to my daughter as she only knows them as "those pinchy things that daddy uses as a hammer on occasion". I put on his pants, he likes to go pantsless like his mom, and put his shoes on. He was fighting a little bit because he likes to do the Velcro straps himself. But I was trying to explain to him that I had to fix the Velcro because the Velcro had some stuff in it and there it wouldn't Velcro very well. I also told him during this lecture, as I am prone to do, that Velcro was invented by a guy on a hike. Velcro was patented in 1955 after a guy observed burrs on his dog after a day out. Velcro has since become a billion dollar industry and today holds kids shoes on everywhere. Yup, Velcro may be one of the most useful household items anywhere......................................


It is now time to start working on that bike.


  1. Well done on the Velcro statement - I went from vent (what? - how would that work) to vice to vice grips. I really dislike the whole homework for parents thing. This spring, my then 3 year old son had homework 2 times a week... for a 3 year old. Not cool.