Birthday Cards

The kids were taking there sweet time trying to pick out a birthday card for Hossmom. There were a thousand choices and when you can't read, you really only have pictures to go on. And when you don't listen to dad at all, you can pick from any section that you want to.

They demanded that they get a card for Hossmom under the "Sorry for your loss" section. While I appreciate their humor I prefer to not make Hossmom cry on her birthday even though it does have a nice picture of a dolphin on the front. We love dolphins.

Letting the kids pick out her present was pretty much the same way. I had to turn them down on the wart remover, the superbowl that never spills, and The Magic Mop. Although we we were near the "As seen on TV" section so at least that was something. Hossmom is a sucker for infomercials. If she was rich, she would just sit and home and order things from infomercials. I have no idea why. She'll try to justify it by saying it's practical because everyone needs a pair of pajama jeans. Our house would be filled with such little genius products such as the Glove Light and the Swing Gym. But act quick, supplies are running low.

Eventually I was able to convince the kids to get her a nail file set. Boring, practical and it comes in pink. This will appease my wife and my daughter. A perfect gift to give Hossmom from the children.

However, we were not having the same kind of luck with the cards. I was eventually able to convince the kids that mom wasn't getting married, not turning 50 and had not just graduated. We went with a nice pinata card that had a picture of a donkey on it. I count it as a victory because it was actually from the birthday section. I grabbed the card that I was going to get her and we went to check out.

I do not like chit chat in the grocery store. I don't want to talk to the cashier while she is ringing up my toilet paper. I feel like I have to explain things to her. Everybody poops and I'm no different.

I try to pick the most depressed person there, the one that hates their job. You can almost guarantee that there will be no chit chat and you might actually get a free apple is they don't feel like looking up the code for it. Today was different though because we were in a hurry so I picked the open lane run by a very bubbly teen. All smiles and optimism and I didn't have the heart to tell her that with today's job market, she'll be doing this same job when she graduates college. Although if I would have said that I could have gotten the depressed cashier that I'm looking for.

Our items come rolling through and the chit chat starts. She comments on how lovely my kids are and I think she is joking because they are currently tearing apart the candy isle at the register. Then they decided that it's time to pull off my pants. As I fend them off with my feet, I grab my wallet, the cashier comments on how well behaved they are as well. This person obviously blind, now I feel bad.

The cashier continues to chat away when she picks up the birthday cards. No big deal, let's just get this done. Then she makes the comment of how she likes to read the cards that people buy. This makes me perk up and stop trying to get my kids from pulling out all the plastic bags.

I do not want her to read the cards, this would be bad. The kids cards would be fine and the cashier does chuckle. Then she gets to my card.

At this point, I would like to point out that I am married and have had sex several times. It's allowed by law for me to have sex. In fact, at this point in my marriage, it's encouraged I have sex for my physical as well as my mental well being. Sex is a part of marriage, it's a good thing. Stop judging me.

The punch line of the card that I got Hossmom said "Do you want to be hammered or nailed?"

The cashier reads the card and doesn't laugh. She is also not making eye contact with me either. I'm not a big fan of awkward silences. I feel like I need to explain that there is a possibility of birthday sex and to a married man, that's a pretty big deal. It's the good stuff. When you have two kids and two dogs, the option of alone time doesn't come up very often and when it does you have to weigh it against the much needed sleep that you will miss because the kids will always, always want to get up at 6:30 on a Saturday. But birthday sex is awesome and I was just trying to make a little joke that would make her laugh, my wife not the underage teen.

I just stare at my feet. Little Hoss now wants the cashier to give her the card so she can give it to mommy. Now it's just more awkward.

I wish she would just move on. Luckily she does. She picks up the cucumber that I bought to add to our dinner salad tonight.