The Surcharge of Parenthood.

Parents are normal people that somehow made the decision to have children. None thought about it through then because if any of us really did then there is a good chance that there would be a lot less children in the world. Yes they are fun to be around sometimes and no one can quite kick you in the balls like the person that wears a size 3 shoe. It just seems to fit, just right, like it was made for it. Which is fitting since in all actuality that is their origin to begin with. However if anyone actually thought parenthood through or knew what was truly involved before becoming parents, then most would balk at the opportunity to create minions.

I kid of course, just a small joke. Of course parents aren't normal people because normal people wouldn't decide to add a surcharge on everything they do or own for the rest of their lives or at least until the kid turns 18, although even then I am still betting there is still continued warranty upgrades that we'll have to make. I have a feeling that I will have to continue throwing money to my children well into their 40s. Remind me to call my mom when I wake up tomorrow morning though. Nothing related to this post, honest.

I'm talking about the self imposed tax that comes with having children that each parent eagerly submits anytime they want something, want to do something, or even thinks about something. Right now my daughter got out of bed and grabbed my wallet. She took out my credit card and said something about a down payment for a cement mixer to be here in the morning. I'm not really sure but it doesn't matter because I didn't even stop her, I just want her to occupy herself long enough so I can write something funny.

Let's say that a parent wants to go out on Date Night. It's a very popular concept and is highly recommended by all the marriage counselors that do not have children. If they have children, they would never recommend this. Here is why. Dinner for a couple that are trying to live moderately, as we all try to do since most of our money goes to our children and for silly things like food, is probably about 50 bucks. You can go to outback and get yourself a nice steak and maybe a single beer for this amount. Next you will probably want to see a movie, something rated R because that way you can at least judge the assholes that bring a baby to Death Sexpit 5. It never fails that someone will do this and you can now say that you are a better parent than someone else because you left your children at home, or somewhere else that is not with you like an alley or the police station.

The movie is going to cost you another 20 bucks and that's without popcorn which is fine because that is why you went to dinner first. Hopefully, neither you and your wife will want popcorn because popcorn and steak really doesn't go together. Or does it, hmmmmm.

Anyway, already you are up to 70 bucks for a decently cheap and well budgeted date night. But here is the kicker.

Because you have children, add 30 bucks to that total, if you are lucky. Sometimes it's more.

Why 30 bucks? Because that is the price you pay just because you had children. That is the self imposed tax that you place on yourself to punish yourself for no longer living the carefree life that a disposable income brings. This is the way society works and there is even a person that takes that special tax. It's called a babysitter and it is required when you want to do something that doesn't involve children.

At least it's convenient though. They usually come straight to your house and watch your TV, eat your food, and drink your liqueur. Occasionally, they might invite alot more tax collectors over to further make fun of you. Sometimes they invite boyfriends over as well and they do things that you and your wife can't do anymore because you ate to big a dinner at Outback and your tummy is full.

This is the surcharge of being a parent and it's what you do in order to remind yourself that at one time you could just go see a movie and eat a reasonable dinner without paying anyone anything. And later, you could probably have some sex because there was no need to stuff your piehole on steak because you never get to eat steak anymore because someone always demands peanut butter and jelly or likes to give your steak to the dog when you are not looking.

As a parent, you will try to get around this surcharge but it never works, not really. Say you choose a babysitter that is 25 years old. She is going to cost you at least 12 bucks an hour. A movie lasts 2 hours, get a dinner in for an hour and you are already above your 30 dollar limit. So you decide to go younger, perhaps a teenager. That's better but also perhaps a little less trustworthy. So now you are selling out your piece of mind just to be able to afford a piece of cake after your dinner. But it is cake and cake is worth a lot now a days.

You can go the preteen route and hope to the heavens that while they are not texting that they are watching your children but in actuality they are texting their drug dealers to come over quick as she's got a rave later that night. With this trade off comes quality drugs for your babysitter and constant guilt and fear for the parent.

Of course you could always leave them with your own parent but don't you see how this works? That means that your own parent is going to think you are a lousy parent and therefore give you less money for things like date night. Oh, they say they want to spend time with the grand kids but that's only because they want to sucker you into taking labor instead of cold hard cash, which they still owe you at the age of 36, which you will still owe your child at the age of 65. It's a ponzi scheme really and all gladly accept it as part of parenting.

And we won't even warn our own children of this because we are hoping that one day, far far down the line, we can all just afford to have a good steak and a night out from the nursing home.