The Fart Game

The kids are playing a new game, although they still have a special place in their heart for the game Punch Me In The Face. This new game is way more cerebral. It's called "Fart On Me."

First, you grab a stuffed toy, preferably something that has a butt on it. A snake stuffed toy can still play but it's not as good as say a very large stuffed bear. My son is using a Mickey Mouse toy while my daughter choose to go with the Minnie Mouse Princess. I'm guessing that these toys make them more mobile and it has been discovered that mobility is very crucial to this game.

Next, each contestant goes and hides. Eventually both contestants will figure out that everyone is hiding and no one is looking. Thus, each contestant will decide to stop hiding and go and look for the other player. What eventually happens is that they both come around the corner at the exact same time at full speed. A collision takes place which isn't as bad as it may sound because both players have their designated farting toy in front of them.

Each player screams and falls down. Now it's time to score.

Each player scrambles up on their feet as fast as they can. The plant to feet and then lunge at their opponent with the stuffed animal, butt first. Once the stuffed animal makes contact with their opponent, make a farting sound with your mouth, the juicier the better. The person that comes closest with the face wins the game.

Reset the match and play again. And again. And again. Play until your father can't take it anymore.

I'm guessing that they picked this game up in the public school system. Somehow that sounds right. Obviously school security isn't doing their job right.

Hossmom isn't home which probably explains pretty much why this is still continuing. She's been working a lot and going on trips. Dad thought this was funny at first but there comes a time when any game, no matter how awesome, gets old.

I call both of my minions to me. I have to be a Dad now, I have to do what Dad's are supposed to do. I use my Dad voice, the one that says I'm serious and that they need to listen.

I tell the kids to come Front and Center. They obey, heads low. I ask them to hand me their stuffed animals. They still aren't making eye contact with me. Perfect.

I grab the stuffed animals and turn them butt first. I jam them into both kids' faces at the same time and make the juiciest fart sound you ever heard. They try to run, but run to where? I had them backed up to a corner, there is no retreat possible. Don't mess with Dad, he has been playing the fart game since he was a boy!

They drop and try to crawl away but Dad is still nimble and remembers his fart training, the years of his youth spent around other boys that loved nothing more than to make fart noises on each other. My children didn't invent this game, they are just it's most recent players. By the time I got to college, I was unbeatable. The old man still has skills.

I drop the toys after they have been scored on countless times by my unending attack. I run away laughing while their little minds try to process what has happened. Eventually, when they are done laughing, they grab their toys and come after me. I'm as elusive as they are determined.

We do this for the next hour of our day.

But I force everyone to stop because it's time to get dinner ready and eat. Hossmom will be home around 9 tonight so we are eating solo. Which is good because we are having chili for dinner. It's time to take this bitch up a notch.