I know that his looks absurd. It may not make any sense but let me explain myself. There is a reason that the children and I are feeding Rapunzel II. You'll look at me, then look at our dead fish Rapunzel II. You'll look at me again and think "Well, Hossman has finally cracked. The kids have finally broken his iron will and turned his brain into stale poptarts. He's feeding a dead fish."
Just don't say that out loud. Little Hoss and Bubba Hoss don't know that Rapunzel II is dead. Her official status is "sleeping". If you fuck that up, I'm going to bring a world of hurt down on you.
Yes, Rapunzel II is dead. She lasted less than 12 hours in our brand new little fish tank. This is not bad given our track record. As the name implies, there once was a Rapunzel I. She was a gift to my daughter on her birthday. We thought we would get her a fish to start teaching her responsibility. Part of her chores, now that she is 5, is to feed the dogs and her new fish.
Rapunzel I lasted about 5 hours. Then she went to "sleep" for a little bit until I could get my butt down to the store and buy another Beta fish that looked like Rapunzel I.
I know, it's the complete dad cliche. Dad racing to the pet store to get a replacement pet that looks exactly the same as the pet that just met his maker. As soon as we got Little Hoss Rapunzel I she fell in love with the little thing. And she was very careful, she didn't cause this. She would just sit and stare at Rapunzel I. She would talk to her. We put the small tank in her room, next to her bed, so that she and her new best friend could go to bed together.
In the morning I noticed that Rapunzel I didn't make it and there was no way that I was going to tell her that Rapunzel I croaked on her birthday. I'm a coward, I know it. Sure, I could have taken this opportunity to explain life and death to my daughter. She's 5 and probably wouldn't have gotten the concept. But she would have been sad and I couldn't have that on her birthday.
So frantically I searched though little fish in small plastic containers to find one that looked like Rapunzel I. Every time someone else tried to look next to me I slapped their hands and gave them a dirty look. I was on a mission.
I found Rapunzel II. I took her home and silently slipped her into the water tank. Rapunzel I went the way that so many fish before her have gone: in the toilet. Good buy Rapunzel I, god speed.
The Rapunzel II died. I found myself presented with another opportunity to explain life and death to my children. I didn't take it. Instead, we fed the dead fish. I'm a pussy.
I have now bought two new fish figuring let's up the odds here a little bit. I explained to Little Hoss that Rapunzel II was just for a little while and needed to be set free. I explained that she needed big water. Big water that can only be found at a water treatment station that she will be delivered to down the pipes of the toilet yet again. Little Hoss was sad for a minute and I didn't think she would buy the excuse.
But then she met her two new friends that we named Rupple and Ballerina Ariel, our two new goldfish. I didn't think Beta fish were working well for us. All was good. Everyone was happy. We read them bedtime stories. We played peekaboo. We gave them kisses goodnight.
As of this morning, Rupple has died. I am a fish serial killer now, there is no denying it. But Ballerina Ariel, well, she is right as rain. And as goldfish are 15 cents a pop, I think I can keep a steady string of victims coming until I'm ready to have my talk with Little Hoss. She may be 21 by then and I might have invested 30K in goldfish but it's worth it.
But Ballerina Ariel, she's a tough one. She made it through the night. We may rename her Ballerina Thor. Only the tough can be in this family, we have no other options. And Ballerina Thor doesn't make it? Well, I got a guy.