The Top Five, no The Top Ten, No! The TOP 20 THINGS THAT YOU DO ON FACEBOOK THAT BOTHER ME.
Folks, we have gotten out of control. We have gotten way past the point of trying to keep friends and families updated and involved in our lives. We have blown past the line that separates the interesting from the Dear God Please Shut up.
We all see it and we all do it. Every single one of us. Everyday we get on facebook, twitter or for those that can't work computers anymore--post it notes around the house trying to stay connected with the outside world. And what do we put up there? What do we feel is important for our "friends" to see?
Updates on how we got the mail today. Little sentences detailing the mundane. Exclamations declaring the ordinary. Proud accomplishments of how we went to McDonalds and ordered a diet coke.
It's enough. It's got to stop. We can't take this any further. Egypt is using social media to bring democracy. We use it to let the world know that our favorite pair of shoes just broke.
Let's all agree to some ground rules then:
1. Do not post little updates of where you are at. No one, and I mean no one, cares that you are at Walmart, the gas station, or if you just checked in at the grocery store. Even your mom thinks that you are a tool and has no interest in the fact that you are at the carwash. Knock it off. Even your high school stalker is finding it too easy and misses the chase.
2. No one cares how your mafia is doing. No once cares what your Bobble score it. If you are using this to show how busy you are, you are failing. Trust me, as a gamer myself, no one cares. The only thing it shows is that you are spending way too much time looking at a computer screen that doesn't at least contain porn. Just go to your Farmville, sell it to a corporate agricultural conglomerate and fire all the workers. Even your cows judge you.
3. If you are going to quote a movie, for the love of Pete do not fuck up the quote. Everyone loves movies and quotes. "Oh she may get wooly, women do get wooly, because of all the stress. It ain't "woolly" it's "weary" and it nobody's got stress, they're wearing a dress."
4. Is it so hard to tell a joke?
5. Everyone hates chain emails. Everyone hates chain status updates more.
6. Not everything needs a #.
7. Your horoscope. You know that's bunk, right? I know you believe in the Jamaican woman, hey, we all do. And we all paid her a lot of money. But we paid for a PRIVATE readings, not the generic one that you tell the world. Let me help you out and save you some time. Your Horoscope: You will have opportunity presented to you today to not post this horoscope.
8. Post it once, fine. Post it twice, ok. Post it three times or more and it does nothing but go into my garbage bin. It wasn't that awesome the first time you posted it.
9. Check with your spouse before you both post the same picture with the same caption. We are friends with you both. Don't force us to make the Sophie's Choice on who we have to comment on.
10: Speaking of pics, knock off the picture post of your car dashboard detailing how hot or cold it is outside. Guess what, we all have this thing called the Interweb. On it, we can get the weather any time we want it. Even where you live. Amazing, isn't it? Are you a 1940's comedian waiting for me to ask you how hot it is. Well... How Hot Is It?
11. The anonymous threat such as "I'm so mad I can't even talk about it." Good, then don't post it.
12. Please stop making art out of punctuation marks. Choose a different medium such as clay or recycled plastic bottles. This---- <3-----is stupid.
13. Profile pictures should be like driver's license photos. You get a new one every 4 years.
14. I won't say keep your "Twilight" posts brief. I know it's pointless. I know that 1/2 the population won't agree with me. So go ahead, pour your heart out about Team Jacob or Team Edward. I would be Team Bella if she showed some skin. But please knock off the movie poster posts, links, discussion groups, fan fiction, and "I just saw Robert at...!!" posts. It's overkill. We are just asking for some mercy here.
15. People who post scores of current sporting events. The rest of us have Tivo god dammit and you are so fucking up my game. Pack Wins, Pack Wins! Thanks motherfucker, I was at halftime. Some of us have kids and don't want to watch the game while getting kicked in the balls.
16. The Facebook post from the show that went off the air 4 years ago. Arrested Development was cool, I get that. But it's gone. Please move on.
17. Some of you are not funny. It's harsh, I know. But please stop trying. No one is getting the funny anecdote that you are trying to tell and it's becoming a little awkward to be your friend. You are Rick Moranis asking who brought the dog to the party.
18. The retweet of an obscure twitter handle name followed by bit.ly URL. No one knows what you are talking about. Please speak a language. Pick one, any one. There's so many in this rich world of ours.
19. Not everything is an event. There is no reason to invite me to share your morning muffin. This was cute the first time it happened. The billionth time you send it, it's just said. I'm not coming, quit asking me. I RSVP "NO."
20. Your blog. Just stop it. No one wants to read it. No one thinks it's funny. No one is going to "share" it with anyone. I know that you spend a lot of time late at night spilling out little golden nuggets of funny but..........................
Hold on. Ignore that last one. That last one is ok. Go ahead, post your blog. Blogging is cool and everyone wants to read it.
I know that this is not an all-encompassing list so feel free to add your own.
Special thanks to Hossmom tonight for talking my ear off about this today.
Posted by Team Hossman