I am sitting on the couch. Well, I started off sitting. Now I have just given up and am laying down. There comes a time when every man has to surrender. This is my time and I know it. Besides, the couch looks so comfy. It's overstuffed maximum pleasure. That's what she said.
I've got my slippers on. I'm wearing sweat pants. I haven't showered, shaved and I have barely even moved. I did get up early this morning though and got the kids donuts though, which is the ultimate give up. Nope, not going to cook a nice breakfast this morning. I'm going to pump the kids full of bad stuff and let them run nuts. But I did at least I did get out of the house for 20 minutes. And I took the kids. I am still father of the year.
I stink. I can smell my own stink which is a sign that perhaps this is going to far. I smell like unions and playdoh. It may not look like it at the moment, but I promise you that I am a winner. This was a strategic give up, this was not a whim. This was planned. I said on Sunday, late morning, I was not going to move anymore. I was not going to clean the house. I was not going to fix anything. I was not going to shovel any snow. The kids? The kids can do what they want. Free ride from Dad today. And all this was planned.
Hossmom is leaving for a week starting tomorrow. She has a business trip. This is one of the advantages of a stay at home dad for a family. Hossmom can just go where she wants, where she is needed. I stay home with the kids and take care of everything at the fort. It works out well.
That's the theory but we all know that the reality with kids is always different.
Theory: "Aww, that's so cute, the kids are trying to talk on your Iphone."
Reality: "Shit, they just threw the Iphone down the stairs. But it could have been worse, they were aiming for your head."
So I have one week of 24 hours a day alone with the kids. I'm used to having a break at night, 30 minutes where Hossmom takes care of everything. That's gone this week. This week it's all me.
And even though the company is paying for Hossmom's trip to the beautiful city of San Francisco, the trip isn't free. Today, she is going to pay for it.
That's the trade off. She cooks dinner. She makes lunch. She cleans up. She interacts with the kids. Although Monster's Vs. Aliens is coming on today so I'll let them sit on my lap and we'll watch that. Maybe I can convince them to give up with me today too although it is doubtful as it does not involve a sledgehammer and grand destruction.
My plan today is to watch as much crap T.V. as possible and scratch my crotch on occasion. It's a good plan and one that I fine tuned in college.
This may seem a little unfair but I'm ok with unfair today. You see, while she is having fancy dinners with salads that don't contain a kid sneeze, we'll be rocking the Mac and Cheese. While she is sampling what the city has to offer, I will be sampling dog urine on carpet swatches. She'll go to bed in a place that does not offer kicks in the groin as a upgrade. She'll watch whatever TV that she wants while I fight for just 10 more minutes of Solid Gold.
And at the end of the day, while she is sleeping, both of us will reach over and feel the empty space that is usually filled by the joy of our life and we'll both be a little sad that it is gone.
However, her hand will grasp an unused pillow while in all probability mine will grab a soaking wet diaper or dog balls.
Posted by Team Hossman