Welcome everyone to an exciting night of WW Hossman Wrestling! It promises to be a good one here in the Living Room Arena where our two challengers will battle it out for no reason what so ever. That's right, there is no belt or tittle in Hossman Wrestling. But what there is plenty of is bare knuckle toddler throw downs! Let's head down to the announcer to introduce tonight's two competitors!
Ladies and Gentlemen, kids of all ages, welcome to tonight's main event!
(applause, screaming, a couple of gold fish thrown into arena)
Our first challenger comes to us from Up Stairs. You've seen him in the grocery store pulling shit off shelves, you've seen him throw a tantrum in restaurants. He claims that "trucks are cool" and that he has Dora's personal cell phone number. At 2 feet tall and weighing at 25 pounds..............The Blue's Clues Destroyer, The Puncher and The Muncher, the one, the only.......
Mighty Mighty Bubba Hoss!
(more applause. The cat vomits on my kitchen table)
His opponent is no stranger to inflicting pain. She once got so made at Barbie that she hung her from the top of the stairs by the ankles. The cats flee when she stomps her feet and she likes to growl at bugs. She was most recently seen at the Oscars for her prize winning performance of "Mamma Said it Was OK" At 3 feet, 3 inches weighing in at 50 pounds, she's no longer even on the growth charts at the pediatricians office...................The Hangman, The Wonder Pets Express, I give you Big Guns Little Hoss!
(wild applause. The cat now runs away)
Welcome to both our athletes. Of course, let's go over the rules. The only rule is to not yell loud enough to bother dad. Let's keep it a clean fight, touch gloves and go to your corner. Our sponsor tonight is Band-aid Bandages because if you aren't bleeding, you are doing it wrong.
And here we go!
Both fighters immediately come out running and go for the Tonka Truck. Interesting strategy I think as both fighters circle the truck waiting for one to make a move. And Bubba Hoss does! He darts in under the grasping arms of Little Hoss. A big whiff and a miss by Mongo there. Bubba Hoss has got his hands on the truck but big surprise here, Little Hoss wants it to!
Oh what a body check and Bubba Hoss is down! Ya know, it's going to be a quick fight if he allows her to get inside like that. But he's up on his feet and coming in for some more. He's down again! Man does this guy like the punishment. Looks like that one hurt him a little bit but he's up again. And look at this, what a move! Bubba Hoss has gone for the early deployment of the scream and cry! Wow, this fight is really taking off! He's stomping his feet and pointing at the truck causing Little Hoss to look unsure of herself. It was a powerful attack of the guilt one two combo! She's backing away, she looks a little dazed! And now Bubba Hoss has the truck. What a move.
Little Hoss has now moved onto the cheap piece of crap rubber ball that she convinced her dad to buy at the grocery store during training. What a meltdown that was. She's got it but I'm not sure what exactly she is going to do with it. She yelled catch but Bubba Hoss still isn't looking. He better look out or he's going to get one to the face! And there it is, right in the kisser! But look at this! He's actually looking up and laughing! He's taunting her!
Little Hoss has the ball again and takes aim for the second time. Smacko, another shot in the face. Bubba Hoss is still laughing but it's not quite as hysterical as it was before. Little Hoss got the rebound and it looks like she's lining up another...........wait, no! She didn't throw the ball at his face again! What a clever strategy she is playing here! She has actually thrown the ball into the other room! Bubba Hoss has no choice here but to go get it like a dog! If a ball is thrown, he has to pick it up! Man oh man what a strategic fight we are seeing! And Little Hoss has the truck once again!
Bubba Hoss has the ball and he comes back into the arena. It looks like it has taken him a moment to get his bearings and figure out what is going on. And he sees it, he sees that he no longer has possession of the truck. He's taken some shots in this fight so far but I wouldn't count him out just yet. But he's walking away? What game is he playing now?
He's got something, what is that? Ok, Bubba Hoss has Aerial, the little mermaid that we all love. He's walking over to the stair railing. I'm not liking this, nope, this isn't going to be good. And there it is! He is smashing Aerials barbie doll face right into the railing. ONE! TWO! THREE! FOUR! What punishment! Little Hoss finally looks up and sees the destruction that is being perpetrated onto her favorite toy! She begins to go at Bubba Hoss but he's off like a flash. Into the Bathroom! Say it ain't so! Yes! He tosses Aerial into the toilet. Man what a fight!
Bubba Hoss takes the opportunity of Little Hoss's distraction and again has the Tonka Truck. What a move ladies and gentlemen, what a move!
Little Hoss comes out of the bathroom holding Aerial by her very wet pooh hair. This is a smart move, putting Aerial up on the mantle so Bubba Hoss can't go back to that one again.
Little Hoss is now back over to the truck and has taken possession of the front of it. Bubba Hoss has the back end. Both are in a power struggle to control the truck. There's a lot of screaming going on but I can't, nope, I can't make out what they are saying. Whatever it is, I'm sure it's not pretty.
Ladies and Gentlemen you are not going to believe this. Both fighters are now trying to sit on the truck. Sitting on an object, as we all know, gives you unchallenged possession of it and both fierce fighters seem intent on ending this thing. Pushing and shoving, back and forth, no one has the advantage.
Holy crap, what is this! Bubba Hoss has just pulled a Hot Wheels car out of his diaper! Where's the ref?! Is this legal?! And there it is, he has popped Little Hoss on the head with a Hot Wheels car! Little Hoss is crying but still not letting go of the Tonka Truck! What determination! Now she's out for retribution! She has picked up the hard plastic end of the vacuum cleaner and, and, and,,.................yes, she has smacked Bubba Hoss on the head with the vacuum cleaner hose! Wow!
And that's it! The fights over! It's over! It's all done!
The ref has stepped in and taken away the Tonka Truck so that no one can play with it! What an ending! The Tonka Truck has been confiscated by Dad and this one is in the history books. There is no winner here only two little kids who now have to spend 10 minutes in their rooms before coming out and apologizing to each other. What a great fight! What an ending! Who would have saw that coming!
I have seen some doozies in my time but this one may have been the best! Wow! Join us next week as we have a tag team match up set up for you. It will be the two Hoss kids VS the Two Dogs in a battle over the dog food. It should be a great one.