As a SAHD, my main job is to take care of the kids. It is to teach them how to behave and instill in them a sense of what's Hoss. It's a big job to teach them things that will prove useful later in life like always taking the blame for Dad when he messes up. I teach them that if they do this, they get ice cream.
But that's not all I do. I"m not just a one trick pony over here. My other jobs are to clean the house in a half assed way, forget to dust on a regular basis, completely ignore the windows and on occasion put on a cape and tights and fight Morlock of the Mole people for the souls of the world. My package looks great in spandex.
One of my most important jobs though is to support Hossmom as much as possible. Let's be honest here, she's the bread winner. Me? I'm just the nice piece of meat that goes in that bread. But Hossmom makes all this possible so we have to support her in whatever self serving way that we can. So with that in mind I'm creating something for Hossmom. You see, I'm helping her get organized, she needs it. Hossmom seems to get pissed at me from time to time. And I usually don't know about it until I hear foot stomping upstairs. I verify this by asking her what's wrong. When I'm answered by silence or a flung shoe, I know that something is bothering her and chances are, it can be traced back to me. And she holds on to grudges like Bubba Hoss holds on to his hotwheels.
It got me thinking that with all the jihads that she has going on, how on Earth does she keep track? After all, It's not easy being married to a man who gave up his career to go against the social norm of staying home with the kids. Sure, dinner is waiting for her when she gets home but couldn't it be a little more gourmet? Maybe plated in a fancy way with an artsy french sauce carefully placed in a haphazard manner? I mean, honestly, you would think I could put some effort into things. Shes' stuck with me forever and forever is a long time when your married to a guy that does the family laundry. I could do better.
To help Hossmom out I've created a form (I'm a previous government worker that loves forms) that can be used by Hossmom every time I leave the toilet seat up and she falls in. And the beauty of this form? The beauty of this form is that it can be adapted so that it can be used by my mother in law, sister in law, my own mother, my sister, the lady down the street that hates my lawn and Michelle Obama. hell, if I write a blog you don't like, use it then too! That way, everyone knows why they are pissed at me and I can work on it with the help of your constructive fucking criticism.
Name: Hossmom__________________ Date:_____________
Offender:Hossman _________________Time of Offense:_____________
The offense perpetrated by Hossman was (choose all that apply)
__selfish __hair brained
__shelfish __to awesome
The offesne perpetrated by Hossman made me feel (choose all that apply)
__not appreciated __hungry
__dirty __to awesome
Please tell us why you are pissed at Hossman (*only one per form please. More forms available upon request.
__can't find kids shoes, why don't you orgazine them
__Daughter/son dressed like a poor hobo. Mismatched socks, holes in underwear
__Toilet seat up/towel on floor
__family outing not go as planned because Easter Egg hunt was yesterday, not today you dumbass
__Video game related
__Chore started but never finished.
__Chore finished but wrong chore as making your own beer does not count as a chore.
__Chore finished but you could do better
__Chuck Norris jokes are no longer funny, stop saying them.
__Who was that woman talking to you
__Did you tell her you were married
__Where is your wedding ring
__You're still bald
__You've wasted 15 years of your life.
__Related to the question: "Do these pants make me look.............."
__Can't find this form.
__Wrote blog that did not portray Hossmom in a positive light.
__This post is not funny
__Standing next to my awesomeness makes you look less awesome.
__Because you are a woman and I'm a man.
__Other: Additional space provided for on back of page.
How long do you plan on being pissed?
__1 day __2 days __infinity
Can I rectify the situation by:
__Buying a shovel and/or pick as to dig my own grave
__Start dating Lorana Bobbit.
__Begging for mercy
__Enrolling on Tool Academy
__Never, no, you will always suck
Can we bring in a 3rd party arbitrator to make a final ruling?
__Yes __I will kill you.
When you are done being pissed at me, you will notify me by:
__Not spitting at me anymore when I walk by.
__Giving me back my heart medication
__A big hug without a butcher knife in your hand.
Notary:________________ File #_______________