Holy crap the Friday Five is back. Sure, they have been gone for a while but as you can see I have been working on the Daddyshome Blog and thus my time was a little sparse. But now I have most of the building of the site done, it's back to making you all have a chuckle on your Friday before you start your weekend and become "weekenders" That's my term for you working people that do all your shopping on the weekend, thus fucking up my stay at home dad life. See, a stay at home dad doesn't like to stand in lines. He gets used to no one being in the store at 8 in the morning on a Tuesday. So when the wife asks him to go to the store on a Saturday and he has to deal with you people, he gets the hives because now there are crowds everywhere. It's like I'm calling you a Mudblood. (please someone get that reference)
The truth of this blog is that there are a lot of stories that are never told, have been half written or never made it off my notepad into print. For some reason, they die a little bit. Possibly by vampire bite. I don't know. But they never see the light of day.
So in today's Friday Five I will give you the very, very short version of 5 of those stories.
5. Little Hoss was riding her bike in the park. There is a small lake next to the bike path. In her moment of showing me how cool she can turn, she actually forgot to turn. She headed right for the lake. I have been told that I am not a fast man, that perhaps my 40 time can be compared to a walrus. But in that moment, Papa Scrum said that I moved faster than a greased pig down a trough line. Ok, he didn't really say that but I still think he thought it. He grew up on a farm. He likes John Deere tractors. The point is, I moved fast while screaming at my daughter to slam on the brakes before she went head over ass into the water. But this just made her panic more and she forgot that she had breaks. So she did the only thing that she could do. She intentionally wrecked her bike. It was awesome and I am very proud Papa on how tough I think my daughter is. She cried a little bit but she was out of the lake. Then she saw a bug and ran away. We are still working on that.
4. I thought I was having a heart attack and went to the ER. It wasn't. It was acid reflux. If you want good service at the ER, mention chest pains. They moved faster than a greased pig down a trough line. I spent the next 40 minutes telling them that I'm sure it's a clogged artery. I was convinced and didn't know why they were dicking around so much. I had bacon the other day, this was my pay back. But it wasn't. I just need some gas X. I didn't know whether to be relieved or embarrassed. I got my cholesterol test back and it turns out that I no longer have high cholesterol. I kick ass. Would have been nice to know though before I stripped down for the male nurses.
3. Sometimes I wonder how Hossmom feels about being the antagonist in some of my blogs. Even when they are funny, is she secretly pissed that I mention some of the stuff that I do in this thing? Is she having an affair with a local teenager to seduce him and convince him to bump me off? Probably not. Let's face it, no pimple faced 17 year old could hurt the granite like big guns I carry around. One's got a tattoo of a gargoyle on it. Very badass. He would wet his pants faster than a greased pig down a trough line and I would be like, bam, I'm awesome.
2. I was wrestling on the floor with the kids the other day. They love to do this and I do to. I remember rough housing with my own father and how much I loved it. It's one of those childhood memories that never go away. Like how when the family got an Atari 2600 for Christmas one year. We all had to share and even my dad liked to play it. Turns out I got tired of sharing so I waited until my brother and sister went to bed and snuck downstairs quieter than a greased pig down a trough line. I played for five hours straight, by myself, all night long. I still remember that. I got in big trouble for it, but it was worth it. Anyway, back to my daughter. I was on the floor and she kicked me in the head and told me to stop reminiscing Mr. Cats in the Cradle.
1. In college I had to take three semesters of dance class. It went well with my rhythmic gymnastics class. The night before my big Polka final, I went out drinking with my future brother in law. He's an evil Hippie. We got smashed and then slept in our dorm. The dorm decided to turn the water off the next morning so I couldn't take a shower. I had to go to my Polka class stinking like alcohol as we had just stopped drinking a couple of hours before. My Polka partner wasn't to happy with me. I, um, stank. Pretty bad. In any dance class, as you would assume, you have to get very close to each other. She was not thrilled. Halfway through the dance my partner stopped in mid Polk and screamed at the teacher "He's to drunk and I smoke to much!" And proceeded to limp away. A couple of days before I had torn off her big toenail with my awesome dancing skills.
Oh, and a greased pig moves fast down a trough line.