The Friday Five

In honor of Halloween, 5 things that are truly terrifying from a parents point of view.

5. Your teenage daughter goes to school and meets a boy named Edward. You think he is a douchebag but hey, love is love. But then you find out that he is a vampire and you're not sure how to deal with that. Apparently there is such a thing as a Vampire Douche. You learn to accept it because after all, she is your daughter. Until you get to the third freaking book and it has THE WORST ENDING EVER. There, I said it. I don't care if I get hate mail, the ending of that series sucked massive donkey balls.

4. Those photographs you took with your ex find thier way onto the internet. Not good man, she promised she would burn them. But then you discover that your sexiest pose is being used as the "Before" picture in a home gym advertisement. Oh don't kid yourself, that's your gut buddy.

3. You have high cholesterol. You can never eat bacon again! Muhahahahahahahaha.

2. Your 2 year old son likes to eat cat food more than the dinner it took you two hours to cook. For Christ's sake, it's stew, it's not going to kill you to eat it! Or is it?

1. You are at the bananas, checking for the best bunch. You look over to find your two kids in the apple section. They are taking either a single bite or just licking them like some monkey. And then putting them back with the rest of the apples! Dear God no! They've been there for like, 10 minutes, how many apples could they have possibly gone through? You don't really know! So you try to get as many of the tainted apples as you can, ya know--because they have cat food germs on them now. You have to have at least a bushel but you keep finding more with little teeth marks. Eventually you just give up knowing that there are a lot more licked on apples in there. Did that old lady see you walk away? Is she a gypsy? Is she going to curse you? Because I could use a little "Thinner" curse action if she has got some to give away.