Halloween Carnage

The question, as will be evident once the scene is described, is where are the parents? And not only must one ask where are the parents, but also why aren't they right here with the kids on the couch the morning after Halloween?

Not that the kids haven't earned this early morning enjoyment of the spoils of Halloween. You have never seen a Cinderella as utterly ruthless as Little Hoss with candy on the line. If she had any ugly stepsisters, they would be hanging upside down by their toes while she repeatedly pelted them in the face with Milkduds. Those are about the only candy she doesn't like and since she can't throw them at an evil step-sister she has settled for Bubba Hoss's head.

He too, powered through Halloween dressed as the fearless Captain Kirk. I fully realized that this would in all likelihood be the last Halloween that I would get to dress him before I am inundated with Star Wars or Ninjas. Both cool, not Captain Kirk cool, but cool. He frantically tried to keep up with Cinderella who was doing her very best to hit every house in a 5 mile radius.

In the end, good old Dad was left carrying both of their buckets because they had gotten too heavy. It was at this point that I judged the candy haul sufficient enough for me to pig out on once the kids had gone to bed. Beer and chocolate, was there ever a sweeter combination?

Which brings us back around to the morning after and the scene presented to us. One in PJ's and a Cinderella crown and the other sitting right next to her also in his PJs. But sporting a pretty awesome chocolate Fu Man Chu. He would be the terror of the Mongolian plains if he could only tear himself away from the candy horde he has acquired.

They are thick as thieves and have been despite the fighting and prison shank attempts. It is in this spirit of camaraderie that they come to their most ingenious development. Faced with the seemingly impossible task of opening certain types of candy wrappers, they have happily solved this problem by somehow hijacking a pair of scissors. Now no candy shall escape their wrath.

They have begun to devour their loot wile the getting was good. They are alone but for how long is always the eternal mystery. As such, they attempt to plow through as much candy of different varieties as possible. Scattered around them like some gruesome graveyard lies half eaten candy bars, once licked suckers and crushed M&Ms. In fact, the only victim left unscathed is the lowly bag of Halloween pretzels given by the well meaning (but totally clueless) grandmother down the street.

My view from the top of the stairs reveals the carnage described which brings us to the original question. The children dress up trick or treating every year and every year they go to bed and Dad gets his tithe of Halloween candy to go with his Halloween beer. He stays up very late, perhaps too late. Which, in turn, forces him to beg for an extra 15 minutes of sleep the next morning. Thus the minions have the perfect opportunity to gorge themselves unfettered.

We now learn the true lesson of Halloween. After candy-stealing, parents finally decide to go to bed, it's probably best if they hide the candy and not leave it right next to the chair surrounded by empties and to get there lazy asses up on time.


  1. Put the gate back up....

  2. My son was Yoda this year, but my mom totally would have preferred him to be Captain Kirk. She is a huge Star Trek fan. And, by the way, since our son is only one, we ate all his candy, too. A genius lady down the street, however, gave him a box of crayons and he has been playing with those ever since. He didn't care a bit about the candy. Just give him those crayons.

  3. My little girl got a bag of rice cakes. the giver was justifiably napalmed.