Make it or Fall

"Make it or fall" I ask Little Hoss and Bubba Hoss as they sit on my lap.

"Fall!" she screams

"Cracker!" Bubba hoss adds. That's pretty good for him considering that his vocabulary right now consists of only about 8 words. And check it, that's two syllables.

"Man, you are pessimistic. I bet he makes it." I tell them both.

2 seconds into the obstacle course, the challenger falls into the muddy waters of Mt. (insert Japanese word for mountain that I can neither pronounce or even remotely spell).

The next challenger steps up, a transvestite who has actually competed before and does pretty well.

"Make it or fall?"

"Fall!"

"Duckee!"

She makes it and my daughter claps, Bubba Hoss has found something in between the couch cushions that interests him more.

This is part of thier minion training and a part that surprisingly they love very much. Once a day, if I have it tivoed, my minions and I will sit on the couch and watch Ninja Warrior.

This is a very, very odd Japanese show. Usually, I hate any Japanese TV. I'll admit it, I just don't get it. Maybe it's the subtitles, maybe it's the goofy sets, but I just don't get it.

But this one is different. This is a competition highlighting strength, endurance, balance and everything else you would expect from a show called Ninja Warrior. Basically, 100 people line up and try to complete the first obstacle course which has things like a rolling barrel over water that you have to hang onto and another called a jump hang which is exactly what it sounds like.

Normally out of the 100 people trying to complete stage one, no more than 10 actually make it passed the first round. They then go onto other rounds where that number is further reduced. Most episodes end when all contestants are eliminated before even reaching the final obstacle course. Believe me, it's a tough course.

And my kids love watching it.

It's a little weird as this is the only show that is not animated with a talking rodent of some kind that they actually do like. Sure, Little Hoss will watch some football with me every now and then but only because she likes to scream with me when touchdowns are scored. She has learned the phrase "you gotta make that play." and I am proud. She also throws in the occasional "god damnit."

But Ninja Warrior catches their attention, holds it in a hypnotic trance that can only be broken by raisins or a week old cracker stuffed in the couch cushions.

"Make it or fall."

"Fall!" She never, ever chooses make it. Ever.

"Shoe!" Bubba Hoss is currently fascinated with shoes. I have no idea why.

The challenger doesn't even clear the first obstacle. I wasn't surprised though as it was a very out of shape sumo wrestler and the obstacle involved jumping. Quite funny though.

"Make it or fall?"

"Fall!" She is right 90% of the time.

"Juice!" I have no idea where that word came from or why Bubba Hoss decided to say it. Perhaps he sees a danger of steroid abuse.

The challenger makes it and we all clap.

This is part of their minion training. They will learn how to evaluate opponents from strictly looking at them and them revel in their failures.

"Make it or fall?"

"Fall"

"Boobies!" my son says and lifts up his shirt. For the last time Bubba Hoss, you don't have boobies. Momma has boobies. You have a rock hard chest destined to bench press 3000 pounds.

"Boobies!" Sure fine, boobies it is. I'll love you know matter how you turn out.

I have also taken this time to show them the skills that they will need to complete before they reach full minion status. For example, I expect them to be able to traverse 20 yards by thier fingertips holding onto a one inch ledge. We are currently working on that at the playground.

"Make it or fall."

"Fall!"

"Poo!" my son says.

The challenger hits the trampoline and grabs onto the ropes, safely pulling himself across the obstacle. Bubba Hoss then farts. Ok, I see what he was getting at now. I explain how a fart is different than poo and assure him that we will get deeper into this discussion as he gets older.

"Make it or fall."

"Make it!" That's a first. She likes it better when they belly flop into the putrid water below.

"Down!" my son says but when he says that word he say it like Arnold Schwarzenegger, as in "GET DOWN!" Of course for my son, this word also means "up" so you really have to be paying attention to get it's meaning. In this case, he's pointing at the TV because the challenger is climbing a ladder and we are not allowed to climb ladders yet, are we?

We do this 4 days a week. They both calmly share my lap, no one fights and we go through each contestant until the show is over.

It's one of the greatest things about being a stay at home dad. Hossmom would never do this. She has boobies.