Pander to Me!

In Hossmom's effort to keep me up to date on the pop culture world, she will on occasion bring home what I call a "trash magazine." Such litery clasics such as Us weekly or Cosmo. I won't touch Cosmo no matter what but Us weekly makes some pretty good bathroom material. I just find it fitting that is where that magizine always ends up.

This last week she brought another home and I was reading it in bed. Because I am an extremely boring man. Sure, the blog makes me sound like a domestic 007, I like my milk shaken, not stirred. But when it comes down to it, I just really want to end the day in bed with a book.

This magazine had recaps on all the shows, music and other pop culture stuff. I was reveiwing the top 20 shows from the week before and I became concerned. Out of the top 20, I only watch 2 of them. And of those two, I only watch one of them religiously. I'm an Amazing Race fan. I've got it in my head that one day Little Hoss and I will go on that show to compete for a million dollars.

We would be hardcore. We would make no friends and intentionally screw everyone over but yet, you won't be able to help it to love us. Seriously, she's cute and I'm Dad of the year. Heart warming and ruthless. That's our plan.

Now of the rest of the shows, I don't watch them for shit. American Idol--can't get into it. Grey's Anatomy--St. Elsewhere did it first, ER did it better. CSI (all 12 of them) I actually know a little of science and find it complete and total crap. I could go on and on here.

This disturbs me. Why? Because I'm still in the targeted demographic that advertisers are always trying cater to. I'm in the 18 to 35 year old demographic, the king of all demographics. I'm a car buyer, a music listener, father of a little girl that wants everything. So where are my shows?!

In short, why am I no longer being pandered to?

Shows are supposed to be made for people like me. So how is it that I only watch 2 of the top 20? Shouldn't the majority of these shows go off the air because the nirvana of demographics and it's representative (me) not watch them? I'm not getting it. So I asked my wife who is in advertising. And yes, you have most likely seen her commercials. All I say is that I enjoy Pete and TJ.

"Honey, you don't exactly think like that demographic." she said.

What the hell is that supposed to mean. Sure, I'll admit that I have taken the less traveled path by being a stay at home dad, but I'm still a man. I like to blow shit up, I like a good fight. You people read the blog, I cuss all the god damn cock time. Cunt. See, I just wrote a dirty word right there.

Is she saying that I am now to refined to be swayed by the public masses? I'm putting my money on that.

"Look at the top 20 book list, how many have you read or plan on reading." she asked.

15 of them. I won't read the "secret" though, I think that's crap. I don't have a vagina.

"Do you have an Iphone."


"Do you have a facebook page?"

Yes, but I never do anything with it and I only have it because you made me.

"Do you know who Lady GaGa is?"

English royalty.

"What is your ideal day with the kids?"

Civil war battlefield with a history lesson, maybe even a fort. Maybe following the Chisholm trial.

"Honey, you have grown out of that demographic. You are not a part of the trend setters anymore although I doubt you ever where."


I get it. I'm to highbrow now. I'm penalized because I think for myself! And you know what I'm thinking? I'm thinking that now I'm bitter because I'm aging out. Christ, I'm only 34, I'm not dead.

But do you know what people do when this happens? What is the revenge? We turn into serious voters. Hell yeah! That's right, we vote like motherfuckers. Young people don't vote. Oh, they'll say they'll vote but they won't because it's either go vote or take one more bong hit and the bong hit always wins. And here is the secret of this that is just now dawning on me. I'm going to vote for everything that will piss off the 18 to 35 year old demographic.

Let's see:

1. The next time someone tries to outlaw baggy pants, they get my vote. In fact, let's just go ahead and do a dress code at all schools and colleges. Sure, I don't believe in any of it but I know it will piss off some young people. Screw it, go watch your CSI in some tight fitting khakis.

2. I think our county should no longer sell beer and wine. We should go dry. The whole country should go dry except for scotch. That's an old guys drink. So scotch it is.

3. Without a doubt we should increase the national debt. Your American Idol is going to cost you a cool trillion 18 to 35 year old demographic. Suck on that.

4. We don't need the environment. I hope your CSI was worth it.

5. Everything should be beige. Tyra would insist on it.

6. Police officers should hassle everyone who drives at midnight and has a cap on backwards.

I'm starting to dig this old white guy image. I could get used to this. So don't pander to my highbrowed intellect! We will rule the world!

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to watch South Park because it's about qweefing and it is the funniest thing I have ever seen.


  1. Lord Vader Cheney is bringing you to the conservative side. It is your destiny.

  2. Them's fightin' words...

  3. This is exactly why I have made a plea on facebook for everyone to support your favorite 80's hairband and buy their new stuff and go to concerts this summer. I am so out of touch with demographic, I am just going back to my happy times. I bought Night Rangers newest CD and am going to Poison and Def leppard concert this summer. Now where's the Aqua-net!

  4. Let's see, first I will invade your privacy by tapping your phones. I will see what books you check out at the library and report any smut or possible smut to the authorities. Dude, I could so get used to this!!!!