The Bookstore

Any jewelry that I own has a lifespan of about 5 years . At that point, it either becomes lost or stolen. And I only say stolen to my wife because when I lost my wedding ring I couldn’t come up with a better excuse than “I may have been saying hello to the one eyed monster and can’t remember where I put it.”

So in defense of myself I may have insinuated that an Afghan drug lord, possibly Al-Qaeda, flew all the way from his country just to rob me of my wedding ring. It was a titanium ring, they make rockets out of those and everyone knows that any drug lord worth his salt is trying to develop a weapons system that can reliably deliver a substantial payload to the USA. WMD’s, that’s my story. If it worked for the President, it can work for me. Thanks George, you give me credibility.

It’s besides the point of whether she bought the stolen theory or not. The point is that I am an awesome liar to my wife.

But with Hossmom going away for a month she thought it would be a good idea to get a new wedding ring. She apparently harbors some suspicion that some super hot stay at home mom would be all over my jock if I didn’t have a wedding ring. This confuses me somewhat because I don’t really consider myself a babe magnet by any means. I’m not bad to look at, don’t get me wrong, but I have absolutely no game. I got Hossmom to marry me because I got her drunk first. I was one rufie away from making a clean break. That’s the extent of my game.

But Hossmom sees it differently. She sees me with our kids and the lengths that I go to make them happy and make our family happy. I am not embarrassed to get right on the floor and mix it up with a 2 year old. Sure, I’ll color but I’ll do it while making bombing sounds. I kick ass. For some reason, Hossmom finds this very attractive, more so than the bald head, and insists that it is not beyond the realm of possibility that a single mom would see me as great with kids.

But here’s my inner secret.

I only like my kids. I think yours are uncontrollable thugs waiting for the first available jail cell.

I didn’t argue and went to order a new wedding ring. It has to be special order because it appears that I have the fingers of a West African Gorilla. For those keeping score at home, my ring size is 14. That is to compliment my enormously fat feet. Seriously, I’m a freak show on ice. Tickets are 10 dollars for adults.

I didn’t think much of this until I went out the other day. My daughter, son and I went to the book store to kill some time. We all enjoy the bookstore and make sure we do our part to fund wealthy authors with more money.

I was on the floor with my daughter and son. We all had on matching tiaras from a Barbie Princess book and were reading the story with as many silly voices as I could muster. The kids were loving it and I must say that I look very good with diamond headgear. Christmas isn’t to far away.

The first thing that I really noticed with kids is that I no longer give a shit if I embarrass myself. It just comes with the territory. It didn’t occur to me that tiaras and 20 books splashed out on the store floor may draw attention to myself. If anything, it was the voice I was doing of the Beast that I would say really caused the stares.

I’m sitting there going over the part about how Barbie helps her servants and says thank you when this lady comes up to me. Let me rephrase that: this super hot young mom comes up to me. I didn’t have my special order gorilla chain wedding ring on yet. My wife interprets this to me that I was practically naked in the bookstore.

“Wow, it looks like you guys are having a great time” super hottie says.

“Yup” I say. There it is. That’s my game. That’s all I got.

Super Hot Mom has 2 little girls with her close in age to my own girl. They seemed very interested in the tiaras that we were sporting so I did the friendly thing. I offered them a tiara of their own and asked if they would like to sit with us and read the book together. Super Hot Mom thought that was a great idea.

This happens when I go out sometimes. I get involved with my kids either with playing or wrestling and soon I have 20 others hanging off my back. But I’m ok with it as long as no one hits me in the balls to many times.

Anyway, Super Hot Mom decided that she wanted to stay to. This is where I think it might have gotten a little weird.

She sat down at first but then quickly got up and starting picking up stuff all around us. I was just assuming that we made a mess, which is something else I do awesomely. However, I didn’t think it was that bad but appreciated the effort. But I got to admit, I had a hard time concentrating because she was bending over a lot. And not like 20 feet away, more like 2 feet from my face. But I don’t want to presume anything here.

It was on the 10th time that she bent over that I noticed that she had on a black G-string that was poking out the top. Ok, that’s a lie to. I noticed that right off but I thought it wouldn’t make me look like such a pervert if I wrote that it took me a while to see it. So there, I’m a perv.

I finished the story and Super Hot Mom decided to hang around a bit. She was asking me what I do and why I had the day off. That’s when I hit her with the “I’m a stay at home dad” thing. I will say this: chicks honestly seem to go for that in the right circumstance. She said how great that was and how great a dad I must be to want to stay home with the kids. I failed to mention that it’s really because Hossmom makes a hell of a lot more money than I did.

We talked for a while and then she leaves. But she keeps coming back and back to add little comments here and there. Little Hoss and I had by that time abandoned the tiaras and moved on to the fuzzy pink boa.

As I was leaving she stated that she was in a Moms group and thought it would be great to have me come around. She gave me her email address to set it up.

I swear to all that is holy, I was thinking she was just being nice. And showing me her G.

I told Hossmom this and she explained how clueless I am. She stated that I was being scoped out for future use. She then called the jewelry store to see when my ring was coming in. It looks like the Afghans might have that one to.