Versus

Welcome to my inner monologue. Admission is 5 dollars.

Evil Hossman: Dude, where are all the hot moms at? I mean, I’ve been at the playground for a good ten minutes and haven’t seen one G-string pop out of low rider pants. What kind of shit is that?

Angel Hossman: Brother, the stay at home life is more than just ogling at hot moms in G-strings. It’s about the sense of community that you get from your fellow man. It’s about watching the development of tomorrow’s leaders.

Evil Hossman: Fuck you douche; I want the hot mom begging for a tube steak to break up her monotony. Seriously, I have only seen one chick that I would do and that’s only a maybe.

Angel Hossman: Our job here is to raise Little Hoss and Bubba Hoss so that they become positive forces in today’s society.

Evil Hossman: Sure, no problem. We can do that while we are checking out the titties on the 20 something nannies. Ha Ha, I said titties! I love that word.

Angel Hossman: Ya know, this is probably why people at times think we are pedophiles.

Evil Hossman: They can think what they want as long as I get to see a little wayward pubes, man. Seriously, why do you have to be such a fucking wet blanket.

Angel Hossman: Now that wasn’t necessary. Wayward pubes? Come on now, that was just uncalled for. Who finds that attractive anyway?

Evil Hossman: You know that band The Black Crows? They had their first album cover pulled because of wayward pubes. That’s awesome.

Angel Hossman: How did we get to this point? It’s always wayward pubes and titties with you isn’t it?

Evil Hossman: Fine, let’s talk about ass. I’m feeling like a nice little heart shaped ass today.

Angel Hossman: That’s not what I meant and you know it! Let’s focus on what our job which is to raise our two kids.

Evil Hossman: See, you are a wet blanket. Ok, fine, let’s talk about raising the squids. If our daughter ends up as a stripper I swear to god I will fucking kill us. No shitting here, I will end us in a heartbeat.

Angel Hossman: Our daughter will not end up as a stripper and even if she was, we would love her anyway. Besides, don’t you think we could give more guidance to our daughter if we were alive?

Evil Hossman: No, I figure that by killing us it will make a pretty god damn profound statement and keep her off the pole. There, my jobs done, let get back to the T and A.

Angel Hossman: What about Bubba Hoss? Don’t think we should discuss his future as he is our only namesake?

Evil Hossman: First off dipshit, Little Hoss will keep her last name because she kicks ass and isn’t a pussy like you. Second, Bubba Hoss will be fine because that is one handsome bastard. Knock em dead, that one will.

Angel Hossman: I will give you credit there, he is a looker but he will have to rely more on just his physical appearance to get by. We need to instill morals.

Evil Hossman: I got a moral for you, don’t piss into the wind. That’s the only thing he needs to know.

Angel Hossman: It amazes me that you are a part of us, you know that don’t you? I mean we need set a good example for Bubba Hoss and teach him the difference from right and wrong.

Evil Hossman: Ok, I got an example for you. Check out that chick bending over. If we pretend we are reading our book but really just peer over the top I bet we can see down her shirt. He’s going to need to know that kind of stuff.

Angel Hossman: Don’t you ever get your half of the mind out of the gutter??

Evil Hossman: Sure, when we are watching Elmo because that shit is BOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGG! I completely check out.

Angel Hossman: So that is your contribution to raising our kids? Disgusting.

Evil Hossman: Hey, shut your pie hole, I contribute plenty. Skinamax. Totally my idea. I contribute to the complete mental health of this whole family. What do you think got us through that month when Hossmom was gone, Captain Crunch??

Angel Hossman: I don’t know why we tolerate you. You were supposed to get all of this out of your system in college. We went to parties, acted like a jackass, felt up some girls like we were 12 and went home. Remember the bathroom sink we broke because we were puking?

Evil Hossman: Ha Ha, yup, that was pretty great.

Angel Hossman: But that’s not who we are supposed to be anymore. We are the father of two children and the husband of a classy chick. We can’t just go ogling single hot moms anymore.

Evil Hossman: Huh?

Angel Hossman: Are you even listening to me.

Evil Hossman: What? Yeah, sure. Check out the new arrival. Money says she has no panties on.



Editors Note: This blog entry was not approved by Hossmom. She claims that I was angry when I wrote it. She states that she can tell because I use more cusswords. Fuck it, I still like it.