The Border Fence

I’m not an overly political person. I don’t really consider myself a Republican, Democrat, Green Party, Libertarian or a Scientologist. I’m more from the party of Use Your Common Fucking Sense.

We stand for a great many good things. We believe that the war on drugs is a joke that does nothing but have really cool commercials of egg frying. We believe that mandatory minimums that stem from our drug policy makes it more illegal to shoot up than it does to rape my sister. We believe that “financial responsibility” does not mean spending millions on a bridge that goes absolutely no where in fucking Alaska. And finally, we believe that the border fence currently being erected through the southern states may rank right up there with the most dumb fuck things we have ever heard of.

Our Common Sense party does not recruit because frankly, and I am shocked to learn this, a ton of people and politicians lack common sense which is really the only criteria to join our party. I thought that after college I would be swimming in a sea of people with common sense and not some of the douche bags I met in college.

For example: I was going to drop my chemistry class in college halfway through the semester. A guy behind me got the impression that I knew chemistry. I tried very hard to tell him me and chemistry were not the correct oxidizers that he believed us to be. He offered me 50 bucks to cheat off me on the next test. I reminded him that I was dropping the class. He told me good luck and still asked to cheat off me. At that point, I figured I had given him a full disclosure that I was not going to study one lick for the test but he could cheat if he wanted to.

The night before the test, I got drunk and showed up at the test without even attending the last 5 lectures. Of course my score of 40% was a lot higher than I expected and the 50 bucks went to a trip to see Hossmom. I had sex. It was great.

But when I graduated college I found that people like that guy not only made it out of college somehow but also are in positions to think up great ideas like the border fence.

Here’s what sparked my interest: I read an article today about a Texas woman who refuses to allow the government to build a fence on her property. They claim imminent domain and try to take her land. She tells them to get bent. They go to court.

Now there is something you should know about Texans and I feel qualified to speak for all my hick brothers in ten gallon hats. We don’t want you to take our fucking land. That “Alamo” thing you heard about in school and saw movies of, um, yea, that really happened. We have tremendous state pride and love the fact that we could probably kick ever body’s ass. True or not, just about every Texan believes it.

The lady stated that the land in question has been in her family for centuries and she’s not selling. The governments prosecutors response? You’re going to love this: That they needed the land for the fence because it was a practical solution to a practical problem. Seriously, that’s it? You don’t want to claim national security maybe, or perhaps the general welfare. That’s constitional stuff ya know and might work a little better than “Well, we just couldn’t think of anything else so we figured fuck it, let’s build a fence.”

And those my friends, are the type of people that are making decisions. The warm blanket of security just wraps around me so tightly, I’m comforted.

I don’t claim to be an expert on this issue but thanks to Wikipedia, I’m quickly becoming one. There are a little over 1900 miles of border with Mexico. The government (all parities) want to build 700 miles of fence. Now help me out here. The Common Sense party hired some MIT dudes, ya know, the ones that can count cards real well, and we came up with this fact: Dude, you’re going to be a little short. We re-checked the numbers, did the fuzzy math and yup, still short.

But I know I’ll get the argument that it the fence will be placed at strategic places. Ok, so let’s say that is the case and that all the illegal immigrants, drugs and coyotes come through only those “strategic places.” My first question of course is what genius decided what strategic places those are. If it are the same ones that came up with the fence idea, I’m not feeling to good.

Second, and think about this, who do you think is going to build the fence in Texas? That’s right, Mexicans. The truth is that most Hispanics are very hard working people that do a great job. But what exactly is there motivation here? If they build this fence, even if they aren’t illegal’s themselves, do you think some might have relatives living across the border that want to come here? Or maybe perhaps they might have a little national pride?

But let’s ignore that argument and claim that I’m a raciest. Let’s look at this from a common sense stand point. Do you really think that people that cross raging rivers, fight hunger and drudge through a fucking desert are going to get to the fence and go “Welp, I’m licked. Pablo didn’t bring the fence cutters. Everyone turn around and go home.”

Fucking seriously? Really?

Look, a fence barely keeps my dog in and she’s fat and stupid. These people are determined, resourceful and tough as shit just to make it across the border WITH NO FENCE, so what do you think a 700 mile fence is going to do? They are going to say, hey, let’s walk to the end of this thing and just go around.

Now what about drug runners? Surely this will stop that. Ok, common sense check. You have 3 tons of Columbian Marching Powder. You can either have 1000 drug mules walking hundreds of miles OR you can have a bunch of cars going through customs knowing that 10% are going to be caught but 90% are going to make it through. You call that 10% the price of doing business and then take your billions and invest it in a tire shop that posts the best quietly profits ever.

The Berlin Wall didn’t even keep people out or in and that had fucking machine guns on top of it. What do you think a chain link is going to do? Wait, wait, we’ll put barbed wire on the chain link. I’m pretty sure Pablo or Johnny the uber terrorist can deal with that.

I hope this woman wins. Not because I have a particular stance on immigration or drug control but because it’s just the dumbest fucking thing that may have been conceived of.

I’ll tell you what, because I’m a patriot, I’ll let you fence my yard. If the Fat Belly Newt can figure out a way to get out in a year, we’ll spend the millions that you are going to spend and let’s finish that bridge in Alaska.