Come Home Hossmom

The kids get up at 6:30 am. There screams of Daddy pierce even the coldest heart. I go throughout my time day at times thinking I couldn’t love my kids anymore to the other extreme of wondering if I can get a muzzle on my daughter. I actually did an internet search once to see if they make a pill for 2 year olds that prevent them from having a meltdown every time she runs out of juice.

My infant son decides that good old dad is not rising out of bed fast enough and hits a whole other octave. His nuts haven’t dropped yet so I guess to myself that this is the purpose—to reach a whole other universe of morning scream.

I decide to stage a sit in protest because Hossmom says that spanking kids is wrong. I calmly tell my children daddy’s going to get a little extra sleep and if they don’t want to find themselves doing a vaudeville act for their dinner, I suggest they shut up and go with the program. I also remind them that Hossmom is not here and we may be revaluating the no spanking rule.
They call my bluff and continue the scream. It is now 6:33 which may qualify as my longest sit in protest ever.

I get the kids up and head downstairs as my daughter exclaims that daddy has a nose and my son lets fly with the morning poots.

I debate whether or not I should cook or let the kids just have at it with the dog bowl before I come to my senses. My dog is fat and there is no food in there anyway.

My daughter demands that Jack’s Big Music Show be put on the Tivo right now. I used to love Tivo but now I hate it. It has no sense of discipline and restraint. I’m trying to teach my daughter patience while it just gives up Jack any damn time. Jack’s Big Music Show has ruined my love of TV.

On the TV it goes and it’s in the middle of a song sung by puppets. Later they have special singing guest stars come on to sing kids songs. A girl name Laurie seems to make this show every day and I appreciate it because during the 20 minutes that the show lasts I think two things: Are the puppeteers squatting on their knees or is the stage built up? That must suck, probably a short life span as a puppeteer and lousy pension. A 5 year career that is brought down by an MCL tare, I hope they have a good union.

My next thought is I wonder what Laurie looks like naked. I can’t help it. After seeing the same episodes over and over again things just start wondering into your mind. I wish Playboy would do “Girls of Noggin”. I would so buy that. Don’t worry, I’m disgusted with myself too.
Breakfast is served. We are having omelets with some spinach snuck in there. I’m sneaky. Little Hoss decides to give me a big fuck you and only eats a banana and gives the omelet to the dog. This is the real reason my dog is fat. I scold her for it pointing out that Hossmom works hard for that omelet and damit she should eat it. I even use that old “the kids in Africa” speech that every parent must use and I am ashamed that I have brought myself to this. Instead of agreeing with me she decides that she wants to throw her fork at the dog as she blames him for getting her in trouble. We then do our first of many, many, many timeouts during the day and it’s barely 7:30.

I get the kids dressed at about 9 and we head out for our day. My goal every day is to wear my kids out so bad that by the time naptime comes around they are begging to go to sleep. I can’t remember if it’s Sunday or Monday. To every one else, they cherish the weekend. Since Hossmom is gone, every day is the same to me. There is no weekend. There is no chance to kick back and relax. There is no change from one day to the next as we try to make it without Hossmom.

I have put my daughter in a dress today because it occurred to me that I may be raising my daughter like a tom boy. It’s been jeans and t-shirts for 3 weeks straight and this just reminds me of another thing that we are missing now that Hossmom is gone. She brings a softness to this family that I didn’t realize at first. There’s a sweetness that is around when she is here and now it’s gone. If Hossmom stays gone much longer my daughter will take up gambling and totally clean out my infant’s son collection of pacifiers. Pacifiers are like toddler crack, she’ll cut you to get one.

This brings us to our second meltdown of the day as my daughter wants a pacifier once we are out of the car but that’s against the rules. She decides that hitting her brother will get her results. I tell my son that it builds character and rub some dirt in it while we get to time out number 2 of the day.

We run errands, do various things, mail some stuff. 3 hours later we are back at the house and having lunch. Little Hoss eats the hotdog but skips the applesauce. Bubba Hoss decides that this would be a great time to lay the stinky poop he’s been working all day on. It’s huge and comes out his diaper. This is his only his second outfit change of the day and I’m proud. Right when I finish with Bubba Hoss, Little Hoss informs me that she has pooped to. These are the moments that I don’t know if I’m going to make it or not. Everyone goes down for a nap but protests. I remind them that protests not work in this house and point to this morning. I let them scream but I’m ok with it. Maybe Laurie’s on Tivo, she understands me.

They get up from their naps and it’s time once again for Jack’s Big Music Show. This is when my day gets to be a little crazy. It’s snack time and as soon as I do that it’s time to cook dinner. I still do that but I usually have a lot of leftovers that eventually go to the dogs anyway. Now I see where my daughter gets this from and chastise my own self.

While I cook I am constantly stopping to break up fights, yell at the dogs for barking at the slightest wind change thus scaring the kids, changing diapers, moving my son from baby station to baby station until I find one that entertains him longer than 2 minutes, kissing hurts, changing a diaper, an outfit, an attitude, or telling the vacuum cleaner it is “Bad” because my daughter is terrified of it and this makes her feel better.

6:30 pm rolls around and I vaguely calculate that I have been doing this for 12 straight hours. This used to be my old quitting time and Hossmom would come home and give me some alone time. Now it’s just me until bed time. Bed time gets a little tough tonight as no one seems to want to give Daddy some peace and quiet.

I put everyone down at 7:30 and proceed to clean the kitchen. I run upstairs because my son is screaming but by the time I get up there he is asleep. I go back downstairs just to hear him screaming again. I head back up and rock him to sleep. My daughter then starts calling “Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!” until I come into her room to. She has decided that it was very important for her to tell me that the farted. “Daddy, I pooted!” she says. I have to laugh at this but again miss Hossmom’s softness.

An hour and a half later the house is clean (er?) and the kids are finally asleep. I watch 30 minutes of TV then head upstairs to play a game for my one short break of the evening.
Then the power goes out. Seriously Karma, fuck you. I just ask for like 30 minutes of this a day. I walk outside to see if I forgot to pay the electric bill but discover my whole neighborhood is out as well. This is also when I make the most startling discovery of my day.

It snowed outside and I had no freaking idea. This is Texas, snow is like finding a hooker without VD, it just doesn’t happen all that much. I hadn’t looked out a window since 5:00pm and sometime between then and 10:00 it snowed and I was completely clueless about it. It would also appear that Jack’s Big Music Show does not run the severe weather report like normal channels and I decide that I will write Laurie about this serious problem with her show.

“Fuck it” I think as I also realize that this might be the most depressing part of my day, my complete and total immersion in all things kid related 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

I’m going to go poop myself. Just sit in the dark, in the quiet and enjoy this glorious bowel movement. I’m hunkered down when the power comes back on. I hear the TV come right back on to Jack’s Big Music Show that the Tivo is currently recording. Now I have to sit there in the dark while I listen to “This is me and my energy.” Very fucking funny Karma, very fucking funny.

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