I've Got Some Prime Swamp Land to Sell.

We are selling our house. I figure that this is God’s way of counter acting my awesomeness. It sucks major donkey balls. Don’t ever do it. Take that shack that you are living in and go ahead and be prepared to die there because you don’t want to do this.

My wife and I have anything, it’s great timing.

We were married one month after 9/11 happened. For our honeymoon we went to Jamica. Just let that sink in for a moment as you realize what it was like then. Imigine how all air transport changed and we caught it at the beginning. What was supposed to be a one stop flight was quickly changed to 4 stops and a jeep ride of death. They lost our luggage to. But we did start our marriage off right as we learned a new role playing game for couples called “Security Threat.” Nothing like being mistaken for the Taliban. No Mr. Airport Screener, that is not a bomb, just my man boob, do you feel any lumps?

So naturally we decided to sell our house right when the market tanks. We wouldn’t have it any other way.

One of the things that I hate most about selling our house is that it seems to give everyone you k now free rein to come on in and tell you how much you house sucks. They point out every little imperfection like it’s a glaring zit on the head of a Ms. America. They are not shy about it either. “Your house could use some paint” they say. Or “You might want to dispose of that barrel of body parts you have in the closet.”

Seriously, it’s hard to hear. It’s like you are being criticized for everything that is wrong with you. Except they are not talking about your patch of ass hair that sneaks out of the top of your jeans, they are talking about how dirty your vents are and how in god’s name can you not clean them.

What really gets me though is that I know most everyone of these people that have taken it upon themselves to point their nose down at my house and I have been to there hosues as well. You want to talk about dirty vents? How about we talk about that clump of something that remains in your bedroom that no one can figure out if it was an animal or just a left over sandwhich that has gone tribal. Or before you knock on the amount of trash I have in my garage let’s not over look the fact that you have 3, count em, 3 garbage cans in your kitchen that you refuse to change every time I visit.

Hurts, don’t it.

It’s like being called on a diet show and being told you are fat by 3 humongous fat people. Except at the end of the day here I don’t get to go and binge on Rocky Road. Maybe I should start though?

But you can’t take any of this personally because you have asked these people their opinion because you desperetly want to sell you house in a bad market.

So the last 2 weeks has been me busting my ass trying to get the house ready to “show”. This real estate term means that you clear out all of your shit from your house, put it in storage, and then make your house look like a single Asian man lives there alone. But in our case our Asian man appears to have a diaper fetish as we still have 2 nurseries. He’s a freak but I hope he sells the house.

We interviewed 4 different real estate agents and we picked the one that we were most comfortable with. It’s like walking down the street and being able to choose who you want to be mugged by . No, no, I don’t want the Herion Junkie mugging me today, I would like the alcoholic schitzophrenic if it’s ok with everyone. That’s pretty much what it’s like.

They take 6% away from you which means you basically have to sell the house for 10 grand or more than what you paid for it just to get your money back. All of your profit and investment is quickly eaten up and shat away. Of course we could do Sell by Owner but honestly we don’t have the time as we have to move in 60 days so I need to house to sell by then.

We did pick our guy because he seemed to be the one who was most assertive and aggressive. My wife liked this because it meant that I got more work to do.

I have a “power wall” in my bedroom which is dark purple. The rest of the walls are brown. This wall was the reason that my 2 kids were conceived. It pumped up my sperm count, it gave them a ralling cry, it was their coat of arms. The power wall was majestic and I have always loved it. The first thing the agent said was to paint that wall. Then he said paint the bathroom. Then the other bathroom. And since you are painting, paint the front of your house.

I have consumed more paint in the last 2 weeks than all the lead factories in China. But I painted them and did every single other chore that was laid out for me.

I even put my “power chair” in storage so it would make the living room look like we have more room because our Asian man loves the Feng Shui and open space. This chair was a huge, dark brown leather behometh where I could sit and ponder all the family decisions. What were we going to have for dinner and who should the Family Hossman declare Jihad on next?

So the chair had to go, along with most of our other possessions. The house actually looks good, great in fact and I have no doubt that I can sell this puppy in 1 week. Hell, the house sells itself, look at that bright kitchen (freshly painted!)

But the market still worries us because basically it makes it harder for people to get loans. And by people I mean young couples that would be willing to let me take them for a ride on my death trap.