The Takedown

Age is a merciless bitch. Even more so when you consider yourself a recent college grad until you realize your 10 year COLLEGE anniversary is right around the corner.

I was in the shower yesterday having a fine time by myself. Hossmom had the kids so I had no one banging on the bathroom door or peeing in the shower other than myself.

I decided that it was high time to wash the troll feet. Think about it, how much time do you spend on your feet? So I thought I would give them a good scrubing with shampoo because my troll feet also happen to be hairy feet. Honestly, it’s not a pretty sight.

To do it right I decided that I needed to sit on the side of the tub. This was the crucial flaw in my plan.

My Mr. Universe type body was all lubed up with good old Irish Spring. I should have realized t his before I decided to sit down. But in hindsight, I suppose it wouldn’t have made much difference because I never got the chance to actually sit down.

I was on the way down and when I thought I was about to make contact with the side of the tub but I felt no relief of the cool fiberglass on my ass end. Well, that’s not entirely correct. I think I actually got one ass cheek somewhat grazing it as I flew straight down.

One thing about a tub and a 250 pound man who is suds up. When you take a slip like an 80 year old without her lifeline, the tub becomes more of a waterslide.

I raced straight down one curved side. I do believe the appropriate cuss words came out of my mouth but I’m not really sure as I am obviously cleaning up my language. So instead of a “Shit” I might have uttered “Spitfire” which is something my own Grandmother used to say, making this current episode even more embarrassing.

A man of my size, it is also not easy to stop my whale like momentum. My ass quickly shot up the other side like I was attempting an Olie but there was no lip to catch onto as I attempted to turn it into a grind. By the way, I have no idea what those terms really mean but I figure my younger readers might enjoy them. As I am showing here I am one banana peel from breaking a hip and am not current on what lingo the kids are using these days.

I did a quick spin which must look really cool to God who I’m sure was laughing his ass off at this point. Our bathtub is slanted down which is not really what I needed because it just added speed to my demolition derby. I tried to brace myself with my feet only to discover I was not wearing my sneakers in the tub which I swear this is the last time I make that mistake.

My exceptionally wide feet could find no grip which is more bad news for me. Because at this point they shoot up in the air and my ass slides out from underneath me. I ended up in what probably looks to be a birthing position and this thought briefly went through my head as I completed Mr. Toads wild ride down the water slide of broken hips and dislocated shoulders.

I stick my legs out to once again try and stop my slide and this seems to be the last bad decision I will have the opportunity to make. My feet go crashing into the faucet. My big toe actually lands inside that faucet but at least now I have stopped.

I look down at the troll feet and see that blood is running between my toes. I had no idea that the faucets in bathrooms could be that sharp and I am a little pissed that no one has warned me of it. It’s then that I realize that I am exactly the type of jackass that forced the Blow Dryer people to put the warning on their products telling people “Don’t use in Shower.”

I sit there for a minute before it even dawns on me that I have fallen the tub. I have made so many jokes about this exact situation that I am sure that this is Karma kicking my ass. My first alone bathroom time in a good 3 weeks and I sit there wondering how expensive it will be to put in handrails in our new house.

I also make a mental note to remind my daughter, who’s 2, that it is extremely dangerous to leave her father alone in the bathtub for even a minute and even there is only 2 inches of water.