The Toddler Wars

Welcome to Wednesday Fight Night on the Hossman Channel. I’m your host Chester Stealawife and I’m be taking you through the action. Tonight’s contest hypes to be on of the biggest battles of the year with 2 year old Little Hoss making her toddler debut. But she’ll have to fight hard because she is going against Rock ‘em and Sock ‘em world Champion Father Hossman. Little Hoss weighs in at a little over 30 pounds and has a temper like a runaway locomotive. The champ appears slimed down himself from a tight training regiment of secondary puke flu and cornflakes. His will is legendary but I don’t know if his Rocky-esqe determination can stand up to Little Hoss’s screams of fury. Let’s head down for round one.

Round 1. Ding Ding.

Little Hoss comes out swinging fast and furious. She sees that Hossman appears staggered and confused as it looks like the champ is now projectile vomiting himself after catching the disease from Little Hoss. Little Hoss wastes no time in taking full advantage as she insists that she, and only she, dress herself. Let’s count them folks. One, two, three shirts! Little Hoss strikes a blow by putting on three shirts. But it doesn’t appear that the challenger is done yet. Yup, that’s right. She now has on a sweater and a DRESS on top of the those three shirts. The brief counter that Hossman used appeared ineffective to Little Hoss’s screeching. And what is this!? No Pants! Ladies and Gentlemen, we have no pants on Little Hoss as she runs away from Daddy. I think he just gave up. Round one certantily goes to the challenger.

Round 2. Ding Ding.

It looks like we have moved this epic battle to the car. Hossman appears to be trying to buckle Little Hoss in to the car seat but she is fighting him furiously. Ladies and Gentleman we are seeing that famous independent streak in Little Hoss at this moment as she is making her daddy stand out in the rain while she does this herself. But the champ won’t stand for it and buckles her in himself. It’s amazing to see the champ work in his prime as he holds her down with one hand while buckling her with the other one, but you should see her fight. Now the champ whips out a lollipop as a bribe. I just don’t know about that move folks, bribes tend to back fire. AND it does!! Little Hoss is now using the stick of the lollipop by jamming her little brother in the eye with it. She knows that Hossman is driving and there is not a damn thing he can do about it. Round two also goes to Little Hoss.

Round 3. Ding Ding.

The champ needs a big round here to stay in the fight. It looks like he is making his move. There’s a pacifier in his hand and he’s heading to the back yard. Little Hoss is hot on his heals though, what is his plan? God Lord I don’t believe it. Hossman just chunked the pacifier at least 3 houses over. It looks like Little Hoss didn’t mind the rule of no pacifiers during the day and Hossman just snapped. Certainly folks this is something that a mother wouldn’t do but Hossman points out that Hossmom is not here right now, suck it kid. Brutal but effective. Round 3 to Hossman.

Round 4. Ding Ding.

Each opponent is about to eat lunch and this could be a turning point in the match. Little Hoss wants a hot dog and Hossman is starting to make her one. But hold on folks! The smell of the hot dog has wafted into Hossman’s nostrils and he’s running for the sink! I don’t think he is going to make it! He barely does and proceeds to vomit. Good lord, it sounds like a raccoon stepping on a live wire. Have some dignity man! Little Hoss begins to scream. Wait, those aren’t screams?! She’s crying folks, she is crying because Daddy is throwing up and she has fallen for the oldest trick in the book. It looks like Hossman takes round 4 by getting the pity points from the concerned daughter. Diabolical.

Round 5. Ding Ding.

It’s been a great fight so far folks and it only looks like it is getting better. Hossman has tried to make his daughter happy by watching a full 8 hours of either the Backyardigans or Jack’s Big Music Show. I had no idea that man had that kind of stamina! But Little Hoss is not happy! What brutality folks, I don’t think I can watch! Little Hoss is requesting that both Jack and Pablo be on at the same time! What strategy! Hossman is trying to explain to Little Hoss about the laws of physics and matter occupying the same space at the same time but she will not listen. Look at that tantrum! Amazing, Amazing! The champ is down! The Champ is down! The bell rings and it just barely saved the champ as Little Hoss takes Round 5.

Round 6. Ding Ding.

It looks like this match just got wet folks. Little Hoss is demanding that she get to play in the sink. Hossman is telling her no because the last time she nearly fell off and broke her head. That sends Little Hoss into a tornado tantrum and now she is starting to throw everything she can. The champ dodges left and ducks a crayon. He feints right and, what is this?! What does he have in his hand?! Hossman has the sink sprayer and is proceeding to squirt his screaming daughter in the face. What a move. The ref must of totally missed it. But wait! Little Hoss is actually laughing at his attack, she thinks it’s a game. Amazing. Hossman is confused so it looks like he squirts the cat to because it’s a fucking pain in the ass too. I got to give round 6 to Hossman for diffusing that situation.

Round 7. Ding Ding.

The champ goes to what he knows best, dinner. It looks like they are having a very good meal there, is that rice? Both fighters are feeling each other out, trying to find out what move they are going to make. Little Hoss speaks first by asking for a bite of her Daddy’s dinner, it would appear to be some kind of meat. I don’t trust her here folks, not at all. Little Hoss takes the meat and…………..throws it at Daddy’s head! Can you believe that turn of events?! She just pelted him with his own dinner. What a fight this is turning out to be!

Round 8. Ding Ding.

Hossman needs a big final round but I don’t know if he can get it. He’s looking pretty whipped. But it looks like he did pretty good with bedtime and he’s almost out the door. The lights are off and it appears all but over for Little Hoss and her early bedtime. But Little Hoss makes one last move. She is calling over Daddy and he’s coming, that fool. “Daddy sit” she says while pointing to her bed. He does. I don’t know folks, I think he should be playing a more defensive game at this point. “Daddy Hug” she says and he does. Seriously, what is he doing? What’s this?! She has made her final move and it’s a huge blow. She is patting him on the back like she’s consoling him. “I Lov ew” she says and that’s it, it’s over. We could hear Hossman’s heart breaking from here. The champ is finished, the champ is finished! It’s over! It’s over! Tomorrow everyone will be wearing 5 shirts and no pants! It’s over!