Automated Voice System

"Hello. Thank you for contacting your phone provider. I am the automated phone system. Please either speak, or key in, your 10 digit phone number now. When you are finished, please press the pound key."

I don't know what is disturbing me more: the fact that my own phone company doesn't have caller ID or that thier high tech computer cannot count to 10. I should hang up now.

"Thank you. How can we help you today?"

I am about ready to respond when the automated computer voice keeps going.

"To review your phone bill, press 1."

I actually apologize to the automated phone system for interupting her. I should really just stop this.

"To check your current account, press 2"

I am patient through this speal of hers. I say her of course because the company that devised the system knows that people will respond better to a female voice. Sally, as I have come to know her, goes thorugh 8 total options, none of which I want. So I take a shot in the dark.

"My DSL line is not working." I say

"I'm sorry, I didn't get that. Could you repeat that?"

"MY DSL LINE IS NOT WORKING." I now yell at Sally. A part of me feels somewhat bad for this.

"I'm sorry, I didn't get that. Could you repeat that?"

Listen Sally, if you didn't get it the two times you aren't getting it again. So I try a test: "My taint hair and my ball hair don't match, should I color it?"

"If you would like to speak to a customer service representive you can say 'agent' at anytime."

I yell "agent" over the phone line. It has taken me 15 minutes to get to this point. I am pretty sure this is intentional by the phone company as they assume to many people will get pissed by this point and just hang up thus never having to actually deal with any of us common folk. Fucking serfs, that is all we are.

"Thank you, I'm transfering you now. Please hold.............."

There is a moment on the phone when you are disconnected that you don't believe it. You hear the click but you try to talk yourself out of it. No, surely they didn't hang up on me. Maybe they are still there just listening to me breath. Then you hear the dial tone and you get offended. I hate Sally now. So I call back.

"Thank you for calling your phone provider. I am the automated phone......."

Before Sally can give me the dog and pony show I immediatley yell "agent."

"I'm sorry, could you repeat that."

"Listen you twat, I need to talk to someone about getting my DSL line fixed in the bedroom. I don't want to look at my bill, I do not want to discuss my bill, I do not want to know anything at all about my bill. Your options of 1 through 8 are only about a bill. AGENT, AGENT, AGENT!" I scream.

"Thank you, I am transfering your call."

Then the same click followed a few minutes later by the dial tone. Are you fucking kidding me? A computer is giving me attitude? Seriously?

I call back. Ok honey, I'll play your game. Before she even begins to give me the speal I randomly type in 10 numbers. I then just keep mashing buttons and the pound sign. Fuck it, ok, I'll talk to billing and then maybe they can transfer me to a real person. It works. I am the smartest man alive.

A new automated person comes on. She tells me that hold times are long and that I should check the website. I scream that I can't check the website because my DSL line is not working. She doesn't respond. She can feel my hatred being transmitted all the way over to India.

Then briefly I hear a very faint voice over the phone......."this is......can I.....number please..."

This is it, this is my big chance. I can't hear the service representive on the phone so I begin screaming about my DSL line. Please dear god, let her hear me. Let the phone gods grant me a clear connection so that I can get back on the internet.

"Sorry sir,...........muffle, muffle, muffle.......please say......."

The phone company can't hear me. Can anyone else see the irony in this? My guess is that they too gave up when calling thier own autmated system and said fuck it, we'll just live with the connection we have.


"No!" I scream "Don't leave me! My DSL, it's not working! Send help!!" I hollar. I am frantic at this time. I am mashing my phone buttons trying to transmit morse code over the phone line. My only hope is that the customer service operator used to work in the Navy in 1945.

The phone then goes dead. Son of a bitch. So I call the only person that would understand.


"I can't take it anymore Sally. You've won. I give up. I just wanted you to know" I say.

"I'm sorry, could you repeat that."

"Listen bitch, don't make me grovel. You've won, I can't take it anymore. I'm a broken man, that's all I am now."

"Would you like to talk to a service representive?" she asks. I can hear her gloating.

"Please Sally, stop taunting me. I'll do whatever you want, just make it end. Please." I'm crying at this point. I would tell her anything, I would give up the secret plans to the deathstar.

"Would you like your billing information?"

"Yes Sally. That would be fine. I want my billing information. Whatever you want, just don't hurt me anymore. I'm a bad girl, I'm dirty. Is that what you want to hear?"

"Please hold while I retrieve that information."


I hate her so much right now.


  1. It nice to hear you are alive out there. I see you are still having trouble communicating in life, I think you should call Sally back and flurt a little to see if she will respond to your need for her attention..... When are you coming to see us....?????

  2. Call sales (the "new service" option) after they've closed. You will get transferred to the repair center more than 80% of the time, which is what you want anyway.