The College Beard

I am off from work and so I am doing what any guy does when he is off of work for any amount of time: I am growing a beard.

There is no real reason for this. It's not like I have always wanted a beard or constantly draw pencil mustache's on pictures of me. But every guy knows that the first thing that you do when you are on vacation is that you stop shaving. This sends a message to anyone that comes looking to bother you. It tells them look, I'm on vacation and I obviously don't care about even shaving anymore so what makes you think that I have time for you. I'm a people person, that's what makes me so great.

And it's not like I need that extra 5 minutes in the morning that I save by not shaving. Because that five minutes is dwarfed by the extra 10 minutes that I save by not showering in the morning anyore either. It's not like I am Mr. Stinky around the house its just that I have given up showering in the morning. And on Mondays, Wednesdays and Sats. Basically I am showering every other day. I feel this is more than enough to take care of any stink lines that may be coming off of me. But if it's not, I'm still pretty ok with that. I like myself the way I am I don't care what some fashion magazine says.

The beard is coming in very nicely which for me is a real treat. In the past when I have not shaved for 4 or 5 days I usually just look like some meth addict willing to give handjobs for 25 cents apiece. It would grow well around the ears, then a big hairless hole would appear on my face about the size of a quarter. The chin would then fill out the rest of the ensemble as I am constantly being taken into police line ups to be identified as the guy who robbed the local Gas and Liquer joint. I was never convicted and eventually decided that I should probably never grow a beard again if I valued my freedom.

But now that I am older and puberty has had a good 15 years to affect me, I'm giving the beard another shot and so far I am pleased with the results. After about a week and a 1/2 it's still there without any holes. I have to keep it shaved on my neck because if I don't I get Mount Everest sized pimples and it itches like I have the mange. I am cutting it along the jaw line which I think gives me an intellecutal look.

I have to be careful here and not take this to far. I am a pretty burley guy anyway so if I don't pay real attention we could be in for some trouble.

What I think is an intellectual beard could grow into a Montana hermit uni-bomber type thing. That's certaintly not the look that I am going for here as I am to lazy to mail anything and would eventually just end up blowing myself up.

But if I cut it to short then I would look like I am going for the Justin Timberlake "I work hard yet I'm cool" look and I don't want that either because I have no desire to date Britany Spears anymore. This disturbs me on many, many levels. She used to be hot, then she went to looking like hot trailer trash and now she is just trailer waiting for her baby's Daddy to come home from the market with her pack of smokes. I can't handle that.

I need a college professor type of thing going. One that says yes, I have knowledge but that knowledge would in no way prevent me from sleeping with coeds who want an A in my class. One that says that my ethics are preportionate to the size of your hooters. That's the look I'm going for.

Hossmom says it's a fine vacation beard which I know is her way of saying that as soon as we start having maritial relations again this thing is coming off.

Somehow I'm pretty sure that I have crossed a boundry tonight with that revelation. Am I getting to personal? Let's consult the beard--he says no. But seriously, every married guy knows that the woman cannot have sex for a while after birth. It's just plain and simple biology. She now finds me repulsive since I am the cause of putting her through so much pain and the fact that now she can't sleep. It's all tied to emotions and emotionally right now she blames the Admiral for doing this to her. Don't worry, she'll come around soon enough.

Not only does the beard give great advice but it also gives the impression that I am thinking really hard about topics. Topics such as Global Warming or the next presidential election. My wife and her family will ask such questions or bring up some other debate. At which point I will stroke my beard and look concerned. When my beard lets me know that they have stopped talking I will slowly stop stroking it and say "yes, that will require more thought and a committee fully devoted to investigating any solutions". Because that is what a college professor with a beard would say.

He would not say "I'm really just pretending to listen because I don't want anyone to give me any shit. And while I'm pretending, what I'm really thinking about is how to get my wife naked. Or if not naked, how about just some naked pictures?" I consulted the beard and we concluded that that would be an interesting solution to our current relations issues.

But Hossmom won't do it I think mainly because I have a blog now and she is afraid that should anything ever happen to us I would post them on the blog. Thanks Paris Hilton. Thanks for ruining that fantasy for me.

Of course, as I stroke my beard, I have another thought. How can I get naked pictures of Paris Hilton? That's when the beard decides that we should play Xbos instead because, really, there's not challange in that. It's not something that would take a college professor type beard long to discover. However, stomping all over the ego of a 15 year old while my beard and I taunt his mother, hmm, that will require more thought and a committe fully devoted to investigating any solutions.