Very Long Chain of Ass Whippings

In the month of October, my blog has sucked.

Seriously, this might have been some of the worst writing that I have ever done. In order to correct a problem you first have to admit that you have one. So Hi, my name is Hossman, and I have written crap blogs for a month.

There may have been funny one liners from time to time out there but other than the occasional chuckle, I’ve got nothing this month. The army called and wondered if they could play my blog on loudspeakers at their next Waco standoff. It’s been that bad.

My mind has been preoccupied which I think can be expected when you have a new kid. The whole lack of sleep and the constant pressure to not break his tiny fingers when you dress him, it does take some out of you. But that is not the reason that I have lost my funny so much. I debated whether I was going to write about this but I don’t think I can get passed it until I do.

About 2 weeks after Bubba Hoss was born, we got a call from a nurse. She informed us that one of the tests from Bubba Hoss’s new born screening came back abnormal. And that was the exact moment that all the funny left me.

We asked her which test the abnormal reading came back on and what was the abnormal reading. It was at this point that the nurse let us know that she couldn’t tell us which test he failed and what the result was. She stated that we would have to contact our doctor. It was 5:00pm.

What. The. Fuck.

Seriously, who does this kind of thing? What kind of sadomasochistic bullshit is this? Who calls parents and says that your kid might be sick and then hangs up? I have never punched a woman before but if this nurse was there I might have popped her. I wouldn’t have felt bad. Very kindly then, we let her know that perhaps she should get a motherfucking doctor on the motherfucking phone right the motherfucking now. It was said with the utmost love. However, no doctor was available at that moment and we were forced to wait to find out what might be wrong with our son.

That was probably one of the worst nights of my life. New born tests screen for metabolic and genetic diseases, very scary shit. As a new parent, that is not something you want to hear. You immediately think of autism or some other developmental disease. My wife was freaked out as you would expect her to be. I did research on the internet to find out which tests were run and what they had to do with.

Now don’t get me wrong, they are all pretty scary but once you know a lot about them they are not that scary. Most metabolic disorders mean that you have to change diets and that Bubba Hoss would have to do that for the rest of his life. If you don’t, then yes, there can be some developmental disabilities and things of that nature. But I felt better because if it did turn out to be something like this then we could correct it and our son could lead a normal life and I wouldn’t punch a sadistic nurse in the face.

We heard from our doctor the next morning and got the run down. In the state of Texas they have begun running one new test on the new born screening as of Jan, 2007. It’s called Very Long Chain Acyl-coenzyme. Immediately, I was not impressed with the medical community and their creativity. Seriously, what kind of disorder is that? That’s not very scientific, it doesn’t even appear to be a well thought out name. It sounds like a couple of drunk frat boys one day decided to say Hey, that’s a long chain man, let’s name it that. Pass the bong.

And my initial impression was right on. This disorder prevents the body from converting fat into energy, especially during times of fasting. So basically, it’s the lazy enzyme.

We immediately went into see the doctor so we could get more information. And that’s where shit got really weird. My list of people that I need to punch has grown ten fold since that day.

It would appear that this disorder is very rare. It is so rare in fact that they just began testing for it. It is also so rare that my doctor has never treated anyone with the disorder and had to call a genetic specialist in Houston to find a case. It is so rare in fact that the test they use to screen for it has a very high rate of false positives. Son of a bitch.

So we had to get additional testing for it. First, that meant getting a urine sample from my son. Have any of you ever even considered how this would be done? It’s not like my 2 week old son can stand and pee in a cup, so how the hell does this work? Well, you basically strap a ziplock back to his Johnson and say “now pee”. It takes some time. We also had to repeat the original test that they took in the hospital, ya know, because a lot of those people can be fuckups. And finally, they had to drain about a gallon and a half of my sons blood for new tests. The whole thing pretty much took all day.

When I asked when we would know the results and the lab told me two weeks. I asked perhaps was she the nurse that called me yesterday on the phone and if so, would she please step outside for some angry parent justice. But then I tried turning on the charm. Gee, you sure are a pretty nurse, you don’t look a day over decrepit. It sure would be great if perhaps you could put a rush on that there old blood and maybe give us a fucking answer a little fucking sooner. Come on sugartits, help a guy out.

It took 2 ½ weeks for us to get the results back.

I think any parent can understand what my wife and I were going through. There is a pit that hits the bottom of your stomach and it just never leaves. I consider myself a pretty manly guy. I like to think that the biggest role in my family is for me to take care of them and make sure no one hurts them and that they are happy. I don’t know what is worse for me, not knowing what to do in a case like this or knowing that there is nothing you can do in a case like this but wait. It’s like your nuts just got chopped off and you have been declared a shithead father.

But you still have to be strong because you know that your wife is looking at you for strength, even when you feel like you don’t have nothing to give. Our doctor had told us that there are so many false positives that we probably didn’t have it. She said our first test wasn’t abnormal but just on the low end of normal. She also had a few choice words for the competency of the labs at the hospital. I fucking love my doctor.

So that is what I focused on with my wife and when family would ask. I would tell everyone that everything was going to be ok and not to worry about it. I would hug Hossmom and tell her that it is probably a false positive. It was not denial and it was not me ignoring the facts, it was just us surviving. Because you always have to believe that everyone is going to be ok, otherwise you will become frozen and will not be able to take any action.

Everyone seemed to take it pretty well while we waited for the our new tests to come back. I still felt the fear in the pit of my stomach but I didn’t talk about it much with my wife and certainly not with anyone outside that. Hossman doesn’t share his feelings well.

We finally got the new tests back and we ran up to the doctors office. The urine test came back negative. Score! The new born test that they re-ran also came back normal and this really sent me into a pisser. If this test would have come back this way the first time, we wouldn’t be worried half to death the first month! Note to self, kick lab techs lazy stoned ass.

The third test came back as well and the area that they were looking for was also normal. Some other levels were a little off and they were concerned a little. So I thought this was the end of it. Nope, they want to send us to the genetics lab to get a skin biopsy now. Ya know, just to be sure since we have several conflicting tests. What kills me is that when I called to make the appointment I asked more questions about the last tests. It turns out that if a child has had to use a lot of energy the day they took it, then the test will probably come back positive and give us a false positive reading. So I asked if perhaps having a circumcision on the day they took the test would qualify as “expending a lot of energy.” Fucking jackasses.

But you have to be sure so once again we are going to get another test, the skin biopsy. They originally didn’t want to see us until Dec 4th and the thought of waiting 2 months again without knowing killed us. But luckily they eventually bumped us up to tomorrow so off we go. They said that they would begin by talking about the skin biopsy and ask us to come back for the biopsy I suggested that they fucking do the biopsy as I am not an idiot and now what a fucking biopsy is. So they are going to do it tomorrow.

The results should be back to us in 2 or 3 months. Good times.