The Work Wives

I have two other wives. My first wife knows this and is oddly ok with this.

They are my work wives and everyone has them. And if you don't then you really should. Because nothing is quite like getting nagged at x3.

But I kid because they make work enjoyable. But lets fill everyone in on some terms here. Work Wife: a female at work that you are forced to spend time with so that by the end of the day you spend just about as much time with them as your legal wife and who sometimes they will even let you make decisions.

Now everyone get your head out of the gutter, these are completly plutonic relationships. They are close friends that you share confidences with and sometimes they cook for you if you are good.

A lot of guys have work wives and enjoy them. Who else are you supposed to talk to about your real wife about if not for your work wife. There are a lot of good work wives out there and a lot of bad ones.

A bad work wife is one that will constantly tell you that you need to iron your clothes. A good work wife is one that will buy you a new shirt rather than judge you for your homemaking skills.

A bad work wife is one that will notice that the picture on your wall is ugly as your cousin Scarface. A good work wife will rearrange your office for you and discreatly put that ugly picture hanging behind the file cabinet.

So you see, it pays to have a good work wife. I have gone somewhat polygamous here and have gotten myself a stable of work wives. Sure, maybe I'm being a little greedy and not helping out the coworker down the hall and sharing the wealth. But listen, I need the help, I'm a mess.

I'm a lucky man and my work wives rock. Yes, on occasion they will cook for me. Well, one will. The other is not much on cooking but she will take me to her house and let me watch sportscenter while her and the other work wife talk about work wife stuff.

I never have to drive. Anywhere. I don't know how this really worked out but it is pretty great. Whenever we go out for lunch they always drive. It's great because I hate driving. Sure, I don't get to pick the place where we go to eat but they take care of me in other ways. They know that any where we go must have some sort of big screen TV so that I can watch sportscenter. You may be seeing a central theme into being a good work wife. Sportscenter is good, talking about bra shopping is uncomfortable, awakward and I'm pretty sure is going to get me sued one way or another.

My work wives also give me free therepy sessions daily at 4:00pm. Whatever happens to be on my mind they let me piss and moan about it. They even try to dude up for me from time to time and keep conversations to sports or sportscenter and not bras and underwear.

But you can't take your work wives for granted, trust me. You have to do some of the things that you do for your normal wife so that they know that they are appreciated. But just small things. For example, compliment them on thier shoes. I have no idea why but they always seem to like this. To be perfectly honest, I cannot tell if they have on different shoes or not from the day before. And sense I have zero taste and sense of style I can't really give any opinion on whether it looks good or not. As long as the new shoes aren't made of hemp, go with it.

You also need to get them some chocolate or some sort of sweet from time to time. Leave it as a surprise on thier desk, they will know where it came from. Sure, they'll make a big production about how they aren't supposed to eat chocolate but you know they will munch it down on the way home. Make them happy, take care of them.

And always be honest with your work wife. This is were I'm currently failing. Because, you see, they were not my first work wives. I have never told them this but I had a work wife before them. My first work wife was pretty great to. We would eat Mexican everyday, talk about the spouses and then go to a crack house. Seriously, it was part of my job. Odd, but that is where we seem to have bonded. However, my first work wife left me and it is all my fault. I let her start hanging out with my real wife. Soon, they were talking more than I was and I was pushed aside. My first work wife left to be a stay at home mom and we still talk about twice a week but now my wife is talking more than me. I admit, it was my fault. I pushed her that way.

And I'm not going to make the same mistakes again, like not paying attention to them or ignoring them. As such, I am writing this blog as an apology to my work wives because I haven't called them for 2 weeks. Since Bubba Hoss came into the picture I haven't picked up the phone and told them how I am doing. I can try to justify this by saying I'm only taking thier advice and concentrating on my family but I know that would be hollow. I should have called them by now and if you read my comments, you can see that I haven't.

But this isn't all my fault. They have my cell phone number and I guess they have been calling that. However, as Bubba Hoss came unexpectantly, my cell phone isn't charged because I left the charger at work. It's still there. So there is no way that I could have known that they called me.

Except that they called me last week on my home phone and I just haven't called them back. I'm a terriable work husband my real wife is practically screaming at me to call them both up and let them know that we are fine.

So now I have laid out all my cards on the table for my work wives and hope that they decide to forgive me. If they want flowers or maybe a new roladex, I'm sure that can be arranged.


  1. Well, the work wives will forgive you... eventually. Ha!


    We must admit it. We like him. We really like him. He’s funny. He’s witty. He loves his family and most importantly he tells us he likes our shoes. So thank you work husband for telling us stories about Little Hoss’ poop, making us watch Professional Arm Wrestling during our lunch hour, enlightening us on “man things”, and bringing back the socks with sandals look.

    We must update you on the happenings since you left us. We’ve had to resort to standing on the street corner to search for a new work husband, spent some time stuck in the elevator, went to an afternoon movie, and now we are drinking on the job to stay warm. Luckily, we did find a new work husband while we were stuck on the elevator. Never mind that he was incredibly overweight and smelled like Bubba Hoss’ diaper pale…those are just details. Our one and only link to Clones decided to run off and get married in New York so we have decided to offer up your first born just to get somebody’s attention. We continue to buy firecrackers by the box, but they never seem to light up. We played “unit building” games during staff meeting and you are still a Lion. We have suggested Truth or Dare for next month’s meeting. Little Miller got the Jetta back and the Camry took a nose dive into a chair on I30. This called for a body shop and provided an opportunity to choose a free rental car. In your honor we chose one with a nice set of dubs.

    So here we sit on dubs… patiently waiting on our Rolodex.

    How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same ?
    Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer

    What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup ?
    Anyone Can Roast Beef.

  3. I have to speak up for the work mistress - that certain someone you keep hidden far away, where nobody can accidentally discover her, someone who makes all your work fantasies come true (like checking to see if that cute new college grad you interviewed had a drug habit). Never to be confused with the work ho', who is always busy with somebody else when you need her and doesn't get your jokes, the work mistress will miss you dreadfully even if she was the one who ended the relationship.

    Miss you - and thanks for the pictures of Bubba and Little Hoss! Be glad you're not at work as you couldn't get anything done anyway.

  4. You make me ill...you = the reason families in the US fail. Greedy, polygamous, and dishonest rolled into a sorry excuse for a man.

    So little character...makes me sad that your real wife doesn't leave you but them again she may have someone else and you wouldn't care anyway, would you?