You may have noticed that I have not been blogging much. Judging from my continuing falling numbers, you have noticed.
Seriously, you are like that "great" friend to the crack head. Sure, you love they guy. You can't say enough about that guy. You love hanging around that guy. Until that guy runs out of spare crack. And then you are on to other crack head friends.
Ok, maybe your old crack head friend offers to whore himself out a little bit so he can get enough money to buy some more crack for both of you. Then you come back like nothing was ever wrong. During my month off from work I have been watching alot of that show Intervention. It's starting to get to me.
So Ok, I will offer to whore myself out for you so you'll come back. I need you back. I know you love me that's why you hit me. I deserved it. I'll tell everyone I just fell down a flight of stairs, yeah, that's the way to go. I wasn't looking where I was blogging and I fell down a flight of stairs.
Incidentially, when you do go to the hospital to have a baby, the nurse has to ask your wife if there is any abuse in the home. They are very sly about it. Thier voice gets real low, the eyes dart to you but only for so long. The hand usually goes to the mouth. I pretend I don't hear anything and just go on reading my generic sports magazine. I don't bring up the fact that if there was abuse going on, I would probably be the guy that was called anyway. You gotta admit, nurses are pretty brave people in general.
But I do find it odd that no one asked me that question when I was in the hospital. Sure, I'm a handsome big guy with arms like steel posts and a chest sculpted from marble. But maybe my wife is using me as a punching bag and the only reason you can't see the bruises is because she uses her knowledge of cosmetics to put some base on me. Perhaps the rouge you see on my cheeks is from constant slaps. Has anyone thought about that? If we are going equality, let's go the whole way.
But I get away from my point of this short blog. I haven't been blogging because my life is full and I no longer need you people. Wait, that's a lie. That was just me being defensive. Please, don't click away. I take it back. I take it all back. Don't make me beg.
I haven't been blogging, seriously, because other things have kind of put me in a mood spoiler. It's hard to be funny when you have no sleep. I've tried drinking but that only makes me funny to myself. And I get "handsy" with the wife, and she doesn't like that. So no more drinking.
But the only way to recapture the funny blogging mood is to keep on blogging, even if it is crap. I keep getting messages that people are getting a little pissy with me when they don't have enough to read. I know that there is a district attorney's office that has been passing me around like a Asian prostitute, there is a Firefighter outfit out there that likes to read me to stay mentally sharp. Thanks guys, no pressure on me, appreciate you.
There are a series of finaical guys that would prefer to listen to the latest Hossman rant rather than make sure your 19.95 got to your porn site. So when you go to your favorite Hot Mamma's doing the Neighbors site and it says access denied, blame me for not writing and keeping these guys on thier toes.
But most of all, my wife is getting pissed that she also has nothing to read. Anyone who knows me knows that my one true goal in life is not to get yelled at by my wife.
You would think my own family would get upset as well. Well, they don't because they don't read my site. My sister does on occasion and she is hereby excluded from this next rant. How can my own family not read this site?? How are they not supporting me? Come on, I have a brother out there that owes me big time. This is the same guy that once punched me for not folding his jeans. No shit, right in the face. My mom will read every now and then. And my wife's other brother, Uncle Hippy, he rarely checks it.
So how am I supposed to feel suported? Well, I'll start by giving out some family dirt on my older brother, who shall now be known as Uncle Slappy. Why Uncle Slappy? Because he beat me up as a kid. Take that bucko, the pen is migther than the sword. But seriously, I love my brother and this is why I sell him out now.
Uncle Slappy has a new girlfriend. He hasn't told any, and I mean any, of the family about her. And I'm not sure why because she is a pretty cool chick. I met her when they came to one of my softball games. She went to the same college as I did, has a master's degree and appeared to get my jokes. That's a win win in my book. I will not however comment on the size of her hooters. Because he is my brother, that's his girlfriend, and it would pretty much gross me out.
It would appear that they have been dating for a while but he has not told my parents, or my sister or any of the rest of the family. I would assume because we can be some judgmental bastards and have good old American Drama running all through us. But still, come on man, he could have told me sooner! I once bailed him out of jail. That's right, I was the man who came up and paid his bail and his ticket when he got thrown in the pookie. What made it funny was that he got arrested when he got pulled over on a first date. How's that for an impression.
Ok, so there is the first "throw your family under the bus" comment of this week. I will continue to make them until 1) a member of my family comments on this blog 2) the Firefighters, the DA's, and the Finicial guys have enough fodder to feel good enough about thier own familys are not as screwed up.