Every good marriage is based on a series of lies. This is not a joke or some witty banter, it is just the plain truth. That's what I am, a Truth Teller. And the Decider. And the man where the buck stops. But tonight I am the truth teller.
Hossmom and I have a very good marriage, at least I think so. I do what she tells me to do and she is happy. There is the secret right there. As a reward, she will occasionally throw a dog biscuit my way or let me eat scraps off the table. My favorite night is generic meat night because then there are bones. We eat the bone and just spit out the vegitables because who needs some yellow piece of corn?
But the other key to our ever loving marriage is that we lie to eachother all the time. I would imagine that there is not a day that goes by that one of us doesn't lie to the other. Why? I'll tell you why. Because lying insures that you both have a healthy level of mistrust and also hieghtens your bullshit o meter. This will be very useful for you in the future when you get that random call telling you that you have just won the Canadian Lottery, please send 900 bucks to pay for the taxes. Honestly though, who falls for that shit?
Anyway, for a lack of a better term, Lying is good for the marriage. It makes sure you avoid as much blaming as possible and also helps when you scoreboard your spouse. For an example of scoreboarding: When you wife tells you that it is your turn to get up at the crackass of dawn to feed the baby you, the husband, point out that you got up with the baby at 3:00am, 4:00am and 5:00am. Then you shout "SCOREBOARD!" and go back to sleep guilt free. Unless of course you just lied and you didn't do any of those things but realize that there is no way for her to verify it. Then you just push that pile of guilt ever so slighty to side into what is called your bastard soul.
On a side note, my wife is currently reading what I am writing and is denying that she lies like this at all. Her exact words are that she is "a natural mother of the earth and would never do such a thing." So as you see, even in this moment, lying is good for a marriage.
Now I'm not talking about those major lies like honey I had to work late but what you were really doing is finger banging Mary Jane Rotten Crotch. Ok, that's a little to much and basically makes you a shit eating turd fucker and you should rot in hell.
And no lies about how you didn't know she was pregnant or you thought she was on the pill. Fucking seriously, I have a problem with this. Excuse my rant, but hang on for the ride. These fuck heads piss me off so bad because it gives the rest of us Dads out there a terriable fucking name. Thanks to these guys there are a lot of ideas out there of Dads as being unresponsible with children or failing to live up to our responsibilities. I'm telling you guys right now, get the fuck off it. If you had sex with her there is always a shot that she will get pregnant. That's the Russian Roulet you are playing. You fired the one shot that hit the mark, now hoss up and fucking take care of your kid. You don't have to marry her but for fuck sake, it's your kid. And if you are looking for absolution here about how maybe you are not such a bad guy, fuck that, you suck major donkey ass. You are a horriable guy and you should kill yourself and save the world all the trouble. At least then you kid could believe that you really loved them in the first place but were just mentally ill instead of your kid thinking you were nothing but a strap on. So in conclusion: screw off.
Ok, back to my point. Leave the major lies out of it and stick to the ones that make marriage possible.
Such as "If you cook, I'll clean." Come on, no one means this. We both know that this is nothing but an empty offer. We all know that most of the time this means that the dishes will remain in the sink until you nominate who will cook this night thus forcing that person to clean up. If you do it right, you will alternate days in which you cook. And if you have to defend this, take my wife's standpoint, who again is reading over my shoulder: you can say that you didn't mean that you would actually clean right now or everyday. The devil is in the details.
"The game only has five minutes left, I'll be there in a minute." This is the classic husband lie and so I feel it must be included. It's like the space shuttle launch. The count down timer is stuck on 21 seconds for the last half hour. But go ahead and use this because by now it's universally understood by all sexes that this really means get me another beer.
"I'm just not in the mood." This one saves marriages. For a guy this means only one thing: I just ate a big meal and I have to take a major dump. As such, I am afraid that I will fart halfway through Mr. Toad's wild ride and you will leave me for the pool boy. Because other wise, I'm always in the mood. For the woman this never means that she's not in the mood because even women never know what there moods are. Instead, this means that right now you stink because you are doing yard work all day and she would prefer not to get your compost heap smell on her at the moment. Or it can mean that in reality she is in the mood but likes to see you beg because eventually all men will beg for sex. Given a long enough time line two things will happen: 1: you will die. 2. Sometime during you life you will beg for sex. I don't know why, but it is a turn on for them. It could also mean that you are just not attractive but that's only because all naked guys everywhere are wierd and unattractive. I can't hold that against them.
"I have quit (insert your vice here)." Yup, the biggest lie of all. Whether its betting the ponies on occasion or continusly buying shoes like my wife. This is a lie that really just postpones the fight that is yet to come but take solace in the reprieve from the needle.
"I know exactly where I am going." This is a lie that my wife tells. It's meant to be reassuring to your passengers but as soon as the driver says it we all know that there is a good chance that this car might end up somewhere by area 51. It doesn't help that my wife is also a terriable driver. She claims that she is not but we all know that is bullshit. She learned to drive from her Chicago driving maniac of a father behind the wheel. Seriously, half the time when that man drove I couldn't look at the road because I was afraid it would be the last thing I would see before I died so instead I just focused on the cheetoh on the floor. Seriously, she is a nut job behind the wheel.
"Aren't you scared?" Your answer: "No!" This is my man lie that must be told in every situation in which normal people would be scared. It does not matter if you are scared or not, the answer is always no because no woman really wants a sensitive man that is terrified of spiders/cobras/sharks and the dinosaurs at Jurasic Park. But you can never admit it. Just grab the shovel and kill whatever it is that is freaking your wife out. I once had to take down a wasp nest by the front door because it was freaking my wife out. She asked if I was scared and of course I said no. In truth, I had just watched that movie "Swarm" about the killer Bee's and I was sure this was the Texas version of them. It took me about 3 hours to kill 3 wasps but they did feel the wrath of Hossman. I shrugged it off when I was done in front of my wife then went upstairs, stripped naked, and cried while taking a bath with scented oils.
And finally, "I don't know h0w our child got hurt." This one works both ways. We all know how little Johnny fell off the play ground trapeez. You wanted to see how far the little bastard could climb. And as a father you were somewhat proud that your kid showed no fear and kept on going. Maybe he shouldn't have tried to make that last grab but hey, his teeth will grow back. This is just his starter set. All kids get bumps and bruises, it's part of growing up. But denying any knowledge of them will save you and your wife years of judgement and will give you something to talk about in the divorce during the awkward silences.