I walked through the door after my first day back at work. I expected to hear cheers of “Daddy” or “Super Bad Mofo” echoing throughout my home. The king has returned to his castle, let my court relish in all that is Hossman.
One foot through the door and my exceptionally fine tuned powers of perception let me know that this was not going to happen. I couldn’t open the door all the way and stuck my head around the door and looked at the obstruction.
On the floor I saw my daughter, Little Hoss, sitting and playing with the dogs. They have a game where they growl at each other and it would appear that I was interrupting the final Jeopardy version of the game. She had no clothes on but only a diaper. In the diaper there appeared to be a large sagging bulge where she was sitting.
On her face is what can only be described as drool/snot. This a very specific chemical compound that all children make to gross out their parents. Snot from the nose makes it way down into the mouth where it combines with spit. Get enough of this going and it starts coming out of the mouth like some green ooze from the creature from the Black Lagoon. I’m pretty sure this is the slime they used in all the alien movies. There are special drool/snot farm throughout the west cost.
Next to my daughter was a couple of handfuls of dog food. My daughter loves dog food. In fact, she loves everything that has anything to do with our dogs. She has gone completely wild on us and it would appear that my boxer is as responsible for raising her as I am.
There was a trail of dog food that lead away from the door and to the dog bowls. This is where we will hereby refer to as disaster area 1. In order to prevent my daughter from munching down on dog food and eventually humping legs, I had bought a container and put all the dog food in it. It would appear that my daughter has figured out how to open this container which now puts her on the mental equivalent of a feces throwing monkey. Next she will learn to use tools and date boys that I hate.
And it would also appear that my daughter, not satisfied with the dog food not being fed to the dogs, had decided that the best course of action was to dump the entire 20 pound bucket over. But this was not enough to finish her performance piece. She then grabbed one of her cups and had piled roughly 10 pounds of dog food into the two dog bowls we have. Honestly, I was a little impressed at her structural ingenuity here. It was like two sky scrapers of dog food. I expected to see little men hanging from the side cleaning windows and watching people have office sex.
At this time, I have become concerned because it looked like my house had gone the Lord of the Flies way. It would have not surprised me to see the cat with a conch shell and a little blond boy with a spear hiding behind the potted plant. Where was Hossmom?
I round the corner and finally spot my wife. Have you ever come upon a person that you just know is whipped? As soon as you see them you know that they have just had enough and that the best course of action is to ignore their presence so that they don’t bring the wrath of God down on you? That was Hossmom.
She was still in her PJ’s from that morning. She had a T-shirt on but one boob was hanging out. Normally, this is hot. And as I am her husband, I did appreciate the way she left it out there for me. Gotta love the effort. But the boob was not for me but for Bubba Hoss who apparently had just finished eating. Hossmom’s hair was frizzed and she had a head band on but it was losing the battle and could not contain the stress that her hair showed she had gone through that day.
Bubba Hoss, now sleeping, appeared to be the only one not causing havac. Until I heard him let a wet fart and I knew that the truth was that he was just taking a break from his havoc wrecking.
“You’re changing that” Hossmom said. There was not even a Hi, or how was your day. It was just an immediate declaration that she was done.
This was Hossmom’s first time to be home alone with both of our kids. It was my first day back to work from my month long paternity leave. My wife was nervous at first but I had the up most confidence in her. How hard could it be? Of course, I didn’t make this statement out loud because I value my life and I know that my wife has a life insurance policy on me.
It would appear that the children, although just really getting to know each other, decided that now that the law giver Hossman was gone for the day, they would team up on Hossmom.
And it turns out that my daughter is in fact smarter than a feces throwing monkey. In fact, it looks like she is the whole mastermind behind the “drive mom insane” plan.
My daughter very shrewdly discovered that when Hossmom is breastfeeding BubbaHoss, she is stuck in that position and cannot move. Bubba Hoss eats roughly 8 times a day. So Little Hoss decided that she had 8 chances to wreck her 2 year old version of vengeance on any and all. She recruited Bubba Hoss, the two dogs and even the fat cat that hates everyone.
At first, she started with just a little experiment. When Bubba Hoss first began to feed she would walk up behind the chair and steal his pacifier. She loves pacifiers, they are her creepy Gollam “precious” to her and she is pissed that she doesn’t get them during the day. She would grab it and then stand just out of reach from Hossmom, testing her. Hossmom would try to reach and Little Hoss, with a shit eating grin, would take one step away. It should also be noted here that my daughter has developed a manical laugh to go with her evil genius. Once she discovered that Hossmom couldn’t do anything, then she went apeshit.
She next went to the dog food and took 30 minutes figuring out how to open the container. Then she pushed it over for no other reason than she could and loved the sound of chaos crashing to the floor. The dogs ran over and proceeded to gorge their fat little traitorous bodies.
Hossmom fished feeding and went to clean up the mess which took her a while. Then Bubba Hoss, realizing that his sister is about to get the thunder down on her, decided that he was hungry again so back on the boob he went. Little Hoss decided at this point that she didn’t want to wear clothes anymore and proceeded to strip down to only her diaper loin cloth. She then took this off as well and ran around the house naked for a good 20 minutes.
The fat cat took advantage of this distraction to cause additional havoc by freaking out the dogs and daring them chase her. Continuous destruction followed.
Hossmom finished yet again with Bubba Hoss and cleaned up for the 10th time that day and put clothes and a diaper back on Little Hoss. She even took a shower and started dinner and it appeared that she would salvage her first day alone with the kids. Then she had to feed yet again and Little Hoss saw her chance.
Naked in seconds she again flipped over the dog food container, took the pacifier, threw the cat at the dogs and punched some orphans just for good measure.
That’s when I came home.
The one good thing about this is that I have never felt so needed in all of my life. Days like this happen to all of us and this was just Hossmom’s turn. Tomorrow I think I will give her a squirt bottle so she can discipline them all from 8 to 10 feet away. That and a 12 foot long cattle prod. Spare the prod, spoil the child my daddy always said.