The Pooping Prayer

Dear Lord,

Please watch over you humble servant as he makes yet another visit to the almighty throne.

Please give me the strength to poop yet again and reach the heavenly number of 7 times in one hour. Give me the strength not to not cuss the Mexican restaurant that I ate at last night. Please give me the wisdom to find forgiveness for the rice and beans that was served to me and obviously tainted.

Dear Lord, please allow the toilet to be cold and inviting. Please make sure that there are no less than 3 rolls of toilet paper and at least one good magazine within arms reach as we both know that there will be times where I am unable to search out thy holy book prior to my visit. Allow my confessional to take place without any prying ears around so that I am not so embarrassed I can never ever face anyone again.

And dear Lord, If I am forced to head out into t he world today and forced to make an emergency pit stop at a public restroom, please bar anyone from actually being in that rest room when I arrive. I beg you dear lord, do not make me do the trot of shame past the 45 year old guy and knock over the 6 year old kid who is trying to beat me to salvation. And once I am in there dear lord, please do not let anyone come in while I am doing my business because we both know that it is going to have sound effects attached to it.

But dear lord, if you do not choose to grant me that in your wisdom and someone does come into the public restroom while I am suffering my penance, please allow my curtsey flushes to be quick and true. Allow no stink to permeate beyond thy treasured heavenly public restroom. Allow it to be at least self contained so that I do not have to do a walk of shame when I leave.

And dear lord, do not let anyone attempt to enter said stall while it is occupied. I may be in mid grunt and unable to coherently speak as I may also be near tears. Please allow any other heavenly visitors to have common sense and check for shoes under the door before further embarrassing me and causing me to clinch up.

Lord, I know that I haven’t been to church in many many years. And I know that there are times where I may throw an inappropriate joke out there. And I know that, even though I may not be religious, please do not forsake me on this toilet. I beg you to have mercy on me and my colon. I beg you to strike down the Mexican restaurant that did this to me in the first place. Send down your raining sulfer and hellfire so that thine vengeance can be done.

Have pity on me Dear lord, your humble servant. Allow me to always make it “just in time.” Allow my pants to always easily unbutton and unzip. Do not make me do the weird little dance as I am struggling with my zipper that for some reason chooses this day to jam, even though it has never done that in my 32 years on your good earth. Because I swear to you, Sweet Lord, I will just rip those pants off by shear force should this be the case. And at that point dear lord, if that should happen, please allow me to make a mad dash to my car afterwards so that no one sees me with ripped pants coming out of the bathroom.

And please, please please dear lord, don’t let all of that happen while coming out of a public restroom on a highway rest area. And please don’t let a state trooper be watching me run out of there with my pants down. And please, dear god, don’t let a kid come running out of there after me crying. No one will ever believe that I just had to poop really really really bad.

Dear Lord, I am practically on my knees as I say this prayer. I am begging you to watch over me. I am begging you to protect me from hemorrhoids or the dreaded anal fissures because those sound like they hurt like shit. Because we all know, if commercials teach us anything, that if I get any of those my wife will tell everyone that I have them. She will do it at a neighborhood block party. They’ll say “Hossmom, why where is Hossman?”

And she’ll say “Well he has anal fissures and hemorrhoids. But thanks to our new Jesus Cream, he’ll be healed in days!” At which point I will surely die.

And lord, if this is to big a request, because I know that you are busy, please feel free to invite the others to the party to help me out. If Buddha or Mohammad or even Moses can take some of this responsibility, I would be ok with that. I know that you are busy but I need you here dear lord. So if you would want to delegate some of my requests to someone else, I’m cool with that. Because this is not good and every helping hand I can get, I would very much appreciate it.

Our Father, please forgive me my trespasses and allow me to retain some of my dignity and pride. And if this should not flush and become stopped up and begin to overflow. I beg you lord, just kill me.

Amen.