Our Little Secret

I've got a secret to tell.

Shh, stop talking. Who's talking. Wait, that's me. Shh, stop talking.

Ok, yeah, seriously, lean in here. C'mon. Get real close. I can't stay on here for very long. A little closer. Rest your cleavege on your desk, that's how close you need to be because I can't say this again. Shh. C'mon, hurry up.

We'll have to use our indoor voice so no one hears. Be quiet. If you laugh, make it a muffled snort of some kind you big snuflelufigus. Shhhhhh! We don't want them to hear you!

Ok, good, yeah that's it. Ok, here we go. First, I want you to look behind you. Go ahead, do it. Ok--did you see anyone there? No? Good. Look to your left and to your right. Is anyone there? Ok, ok. That's good.Wait, is someone coming?

Quick, minimize this screen page. Hurry the hell up, they are almost here. Seriously man, I'm gonna punch you if we get caught. It's gonna hurt, I promise. Because if this gets out, then we are both screwed. Minimize! I'll wait for you.

Welcome back. I am trusting you that no one else saw this. Ok, here we go. Look behind you again.

Here's my question: Did you see anyone pregnant behind you? Look again. Did you see anyone you THINK might be pregnant behind you. Did you see anyone that maybe evenly REMOTELY can be pregnant behind you. If you did, turn this blog off and never visit again. Don't take us down with you. That's not cool, not cool man.

Ok, for those that are still with us, here is my secret.

Pregnant women are not nice. In fact, they are pretty damn mean.

Seriously.

I am writing this blog on August 31. If I am posting this it means that Hossmom has gone into labor and is in the hospital at the moment. That means that the date of this blog is late September.

I can't publish this when I'm writing this for a very simple reason.Pregnant women are not nice.

Let me explain. Pregnant women are fine during the first 7 months. They are excited. They are somewhat nervous. They are still all into the whole pregnancy thing. But come month number 8, well, in short--they hate you.

And by "you", I mean everyone of you that is not pregnant. And by that I mean every lousy shit eating husband out there. I mean every jackass that is not married but thinks someday he MIGHT have a kid. I mean every male on the face of the planet that is even thinking of having sex with a female in the next 10 years. I mean every sperm of every man ever born.

Pregnant women hate you. And me.I know. I'm living the dream right now. I have proof, but we'll have to make this quick, I have to delete this blog in 5 days. That's when she will probably get out of the hospital and start reading this again.

When you are outside around people, everything is nice and rosy. She smiles, she glows. People come up to her and make nice little comments, maybe touch her belly a little. That's what the world sees. That is the image that pregnant women project.

But next time you do this take a look around. Find the guy that got her pregnant. He will be that sad looking sack that stands behind her, just out of arms reach. See that look in his eyes? That is the look of a defeated man. He is broken.

All he knows is that, somehow, he is what is wrong with the world, on an emotional level of course. He knows this because that is what his pregnant wife told him when you weren't around. There are lots of talks about this. Emtionally this, emotionally that. He doesn't understand it. He has no idea what "emotionally" means. He just knows that he's not doing it, what ever "it" is.

Look closly at him. Now reach to touch the pregnant women's belly. You see that? He flinched. He was not sure what was going to happen when you reached out but he is pretty sure that the resulting vengence is going to be directed at him.

As soon as you turn your back, she will smile. Look closely, she is clinching her teeth. She will urgently whisper to broken husband "why did you let that stranger touch me?" she will say?He will have no idea how to respond to this. He didn't know that this would be a problem because he knows for a fact that when she wasn't pregnant, she touched other bellies all the time. He's seen it.

But it won't matter because he won't say anything. He has since learned that the best way to get past any and all wrath is to shut his pie hole. There is not an arguement in the world that he will win, and they both know it.

Because pregnant women are crazy. There it is. I alone have the courage to say this. I may not be alive tomorrow. Please take care of my family.

They are emotional wrecks. Hormones are playing tricks on them like a bad hit of acid. But the kicker is, there is no good tripping, only the spiraling downfall as gallons of nut job hormones are passed through her system. And it last for 10 months.

He flinches like a POW as she raises her hand. All she wants is her purse but he is so freaked out that even a butterfly landing sends him into a panic attack.

You may be thinking that I'm talking about Hossmom here. Well, not really. I am speaking about every pregnant woman I have ever known.

My hippie sister in law--fucking scary. I nicknamed her The Dreamkiller at the end of her pregnancy. But not to her face, I was terrified.

"So Hossman, where are you going on vacation."

"I was thinking about going to the beach."

"You're fat, why would you want to go to the beach?"

Ouch.

My other sister in law, she's hispanic--I'm pretty sure she cussed me out in spanish. I thank god every day that I couldn't understand a word she said. But that look she gave me, I was pretty sure she wanted to cut me. My brother said that it would be best if he didn't translate.

This is the natural progression of things. They have to carry around your lug for a long time. Thier back hurts constantly, they can't move, they have to get out of bed 10 times a night to pee. They look over at you and see you sleeping peacefully, dreaming of winning the superbowl or dating a supermodel.

They are self concious, they have gained weight, pooping has become a side show and every person with a medical degree is sticking something in thier hooch.

So I understand it when we get our ass handed to us. It doesn't make it any easier at times, but I understand why. But you can't say any of this. Just try it slick and see the wrath that is unleashed upon you.

But today, for the sake of all my brothers, I say--I feel your pain man.

Come, give me a hug, I am ready to support you emotionally.