Rock of Hookers

I can’t believe I am writing this. It is a special request by several readers. And I as I adore my readers, I must comply with their wishes.

Who out there has seen the VH1 show Rock of Love?

To get everyone caught up and on the same page: Basically it is the story of Bret Michaels, the lead singer of poison and his attempt to get more whores. Seriously, that’s about it.

It’s another reality show like the Bachelor. Instead of having some no name walrus trying to pick out which lovely ladies he will “fall” for, we have an over the hill rock star trying to figure out which hoochie will not give him an STD. Or, assuming that they all have STD’s, which one will give him an STD that can be treated by penicillin.

It follows pretty much the standard formula for such dating shows: One guy, 20 women vying for his love. Each week another woman gets eliminated until only the last few remain. During this process, the last one falls madly in love with the bachelor and they live happily ever after. Except insert the word “prostitutes” for the word “woman”. And insert the word “Bandana wearing grandpa” for bachelor.

Now here’s the kicker, I’m a Poison fan. I rocked out with them when they were coming out with new hair metal. It was great. My Ipod is full of their songs. I had a lot of respect for them, after all, didn’t he bang Pamela Anderson Lee Kid Rock? And didn’t he make a video of it? I say to you all, the man is a humanitarian.

I was a big fan of Poison until this show came on. Then I became an even bigger fan of Poison and Bret Michaels. He is my new leader.

I’m sure that this guy could get as much tail as he wanted so why do a TV show? Because will watch any show about whores. There it is, there is the truth. I don’t know why, but we will. Throw a couple of boobies and some lose morals in front of us and we are all over it. You say there may be a chance of some ass shots and pole dancing, we are so there. We are not proud of this, but yet, we refuse to change our ways.

And because I am such a big fan of Poison, the ageless rocker, I am going to help him out a little with some advice. Just some friendly banter back and forth for my man, ya know, to help him adjust to the year 2000 and which lose moral chick to choose.

First, Bret, for the love of god, stop wearing bandanas like you are some vato. Come on man, just stop it. You’re going bald, we all get it. Stop wearing the blue bandana and then putting the cowboy hat on it. It’s no longer cool man. Even I know that and I spent my morning cleaning baby puke off my shirt. And does the cowboy hat have to be some crumpled up piece of crap with the American Flag drawn on it? Sweet Tap Dancing Christ, stop it. I’m from Texas and we take our cowboy hat wearing seriously. Do me a favor—go to your closet, grab all your hats and bandanas and just put them in the garbage disposal. See, doesn’t that feel good? And cut your hair. I’m a father now, I have to say things like that.

Ok, now that I have gotten that off my chest, lets move on to find out which of the 20 chicks you should pick.

We have our assortment of strippers on this show. For those that don’t watch it, I do not mean “women who act stupid and are loose.” I mean actual honest to god strippers with names like Brandi and Heather. I’m sure that they are just doing t his to make it through college and that it’s only a way to pay the bills. I’m sure that they sign their names with a heart over their I’s. I’m sure that the job doesn’t define who they are. I’m sorry my man, but we all know that is bullshit.

Look, we all want to knock one out with a stripper. I mean, who doesn’t? I’m sure that they are freaks in the sack, no question about it. And they can be easily entertained with a ball of string and some catnip. But dude, you’re a rockstar, can’t you get strippers already? Do you really need a TV program to show the rest of us what you do on Tuesdays? There is no challenge in this. Come on man, give us something here. You can cornhole one of those any day of the week, so just get ride of them.

He’s done a nice job so far and there is only one stripper left. Her name is Heather. But my other piece of advice is if you are going to keep around a stripper, keep the younger better looking ones around. No one wants an old stripper, that’s just not right. We have all seen Heather’s type. She is way past her prime, the meth has taken it’s toll on her and she is looking very manish with that Adam’s apple. She is destined to finish her stripping career dancing at the Yellow Rose in Lubbock. Trust me man, you don’t want to go anywhere near that place. And when they offer the “ride for five”, dude, just walk away.

But I do appreciate Heather in this show because she can never keep her clothes on. I guess that is just par for the course of a dancer. Wait, did I say dancer? Sorry, dancing has nothing to do with stripping. I meant to say biological war factory instead because she has got more anthrax in there than Abdul the suicide bomber. So get rid of Heather.

Next, let’s deal with the crazy one, Lacy. Let me spell it out for you: LACY IS A NUT JOB. Seriously man, don’t let that crazy near your junk. She is the type of chick that would go all Glenn Close on you and stir fry a rabbit. But if she does, tell her I got a dead one in my garbage can, no need to kill a new one.

There is always at least one crazy biotch on shows like this. There has to be or there wouldn’t be any drama. There has to be the antagonist. There has to be the one that thinks she is hot shit so everyone will hate her. This pushes the show forward and keeps people coming back. There wouldn’t be any show without at least one psycho.

But Lacy is damaged goods my man, trust me on this one. Sure, she is probably a wild cat in the sack. But the minute you go to sleep she will poop on your face then cry hysterically when you get mad. She will say “Why don’t you love me?” And when you reply “Well, it’s because you are a whore.” She will laugh manically and then try and bite you. She’s gotta go.

Finally, we get to the nice girl. Her name is Jess and I will admit, I would tap that ass if she dug on over weight balding guys. But given the fact that she is on a show going for true love, well, I like my chances. Once you kick her to the curb, why don’t you introduce us? She’s the only one that seems a little bit normal. I have taken a poll with all my friends, choose her.

As for the rest, come on dude, why did you even bother? Each one is so cliché that it’s obvious that there was actual casting here, no real life to be found. There’s the sensitive one-Sam. She’s all into journal writing, exploring feelings and dealing with trust issues. She is also my vote for slitting her wrists the first time you nail her because she will think that you “didn’t really mean it.” She’ll be right because who really falls in love with a prostitute? There’s a reason why you pay them, that’s all I’m saying.

Then you have the crazy foreign nut job who’s sole job is to get so drunk that, opps, she gets naked and is giving everyone lap dances. I don’t even know what her name is but good job kicking her ass off. And she was UGLY you have no ALIBI. Seriously, why did you even give her a shot.

Anther elimination is coming up this Sunday and I feel that if you follow my advice, you should do ok. But let’s take away some of the mystery, Mkay? First off, we know that you have nailed every piece of ass in that house. You have laid more pipe that Wabasha plumbing, we get it. No need to fake it anymore, you’ve seen them all naked. Second, tell Heather the pole dancing man queen to keep wearing dresses with no sides on the ass. That’s pretty great. Sure, she has a face like a man, but I do appreciate a good T and A show. And lastly, be honest here, you give your body guard “big john” seconds on the chicks you put aside, right? I’m sure that is one of the perks of his job. If he ever needs an apprentice, I’m his man.

Good luck finding true love, or in this case, someone who won’t give you crotch rot.