My Kung Fu

She's a sneaky little son of a bitch, that's for sure. She thinks that I am not paying attention. She thinks that I am asleep on the couch or watching mindless TV. She thinks that she has free reign to do whatever she wants to in this house. She thinks that she can get to the cupcakes.

She's quiet, more quiet than I would give her credit for. It strikes me as very telling that when she is playing she is as loud as a howler monkey fighting a chimpanzee, the chimp being her little brother of course. But when she knows that she is doing something that I wouldn't let her do, that I would prevent her from doing, she turns into a god damn ninja.

She doesn't know that I am actually watching her. Dad is wiser than you think, little padowan. I've raised you from the day you came home. I know what goes on in that little 4 year old mind of yours. And I knew that as soon as I put away the cupcakes that little gerbil in the wheel in her head began plotting. "I can get them" she thought. "They can be all mine." "I won't have to share any with my brother." I would find her 2 hours latter surrounded by cupcake wrappers with a shit eating grin on her face. She would get in trouble, she knows this, but she has weighed her options and has considered the punishment she will surely face is worth packing down 10 cupcakes on her own. It does not surprise me the level of her logic when it comes to getting what she wants. She is truly the Kung Fu Panda.

I know what motivates her. And I knew that the moment I put them away, her whole life's mission would be to climb on top of the counter and gorge herself until she was pooping little muffin tops. Does my daughter not know me at all? Does she not see that I have her number? She protested that I didn't put any icing on the cupcakes. This is because I knew for a fact that if I did, she would lick it all off and then throw the remainder at her brother's head or feed it to the dog. I know you kiddo, keep that in mind. It should not surprise you that as soon as I sat down on the couch I always watched you, even when you think I wasn't. This isn't my first merry go round. When she colored on the walls with a marker (she put it in her diaper so that I wouldn't find it) I learned my lesson. So know I am watching my daughter tip toe, yes tip toe, to the kitchen table. Where did she learn to tip toe? Maybe it's just instinct and my daughter has a strong instinct for causing havoc and destruction.

I watched her get to the kitchen chairs and pull her favorite one out, the one that she always uses to climb on top of the counter with. Sometimes its for cupcakes, sometimes it's for a pacifier that I have hidden. I watched her take the chair and push it towards the microwave that sits above the oven. The chairs have felt on the bottom so it makes no sound as it slides. Man is she quiet. I wish she could be more like this for other things. But nope, she is only this quiet when she is about to break shit.

She pushes the chair up to where the microwave is. From the corner of my eye I can see her poke her little head out and look at me. No worries here kiddo, Dad is just watching some TV. Nope, I'm not paying attention at all. She smiles and begins to get on top of the chair. So close, she is so close to the cupcakes. The sweet cake goodness of at least 12 little morsels that will be hers. All hers and none for her own brother. He doesn't need anymore sugar anyway.

It's funny to watch her balance on the chair while not making any noise. She reaches her hands up to pull on the microwave. She has to use both hands on the microwave, especially if she wants to be quiet. She could do it with one hand but she would have to jerk it open hard and that would make noise. But with two hands she can take it nice and easy. I think she might have a future as a safe cracker.

She pulls.

The door comes open.

She looks inside.

It takes her a minute to realize that there are no cupcakes hidden in the microwave. You can tell the moment she understands it because her shoulders sink. She doesn't know what to do now. There is no reward to justify this risk. Her plan has exploded and it leaves her with a minute of indecision.

She turns to look at me and sees me watching her full on. She smiles. I smile. A game will played, young Little Hoss. Well played indeed. We both nod to a worthy adversary.

But today my little sweet heart, today my Kung Fu is better than your Kung Fu.

1 comment:

  1. You will probably find the head of a barbie laying next to you in bed tomorrow morning. She is more involved than just being a kung fu panda. Beware! (I have good sources on this. the movement has expanded to southern Missouri)