Bracetology

March Madness: one of the single greatest sporting events known to man. The last second shots, the heros made in less than .9 seconds, the all out hustle. There is nothing not to be loved about it. Except when you fill out your brackets for a friendly competition and it turns out that you are dumber than a rock, that all the teams you pick suck massive balls and only you didn't know it, and where heartbreak is because of that last second shot made by the hero with only .9 seconds left.

I imigine that this morning there are a lot of people out there that choose poorly. They probably work for the goverment and were involved in the bailout. How do I know? Because I worked for the goverment for 10 years and as of this morning, my brackets are shit. Serioulsy, do you want those kind of people running things?

But there might be others out there this morning that didn't work for the goverment and who are hurting. Who couldn't sleep because they were sure that that number 12 seed was going to shock the world and make it to the final four only to find out that they were a 12 seed for a reason. I feel your pain. I hurt to. My insides are ripped up from that first day of the tournement. Maybe it's because I have no shot at winning in my brackets or maybe it is the coupious amounts of salsa. I don't know. I just know I hurt.

I can deal with hurt though. I can get past it. And I can help you get past it. Listen to Hossman my fellow fallen brothers. Reach out your arms and embrace my advice. It's a long way until the end of the tournement and your pain is only going to get worse as it goes on. Because the mistake you made on the first day, that's going to haunt you for the next several weeks.

1. It makes a big difference if you cheer loudly at the TV screen when a team that you picked is losing. "But they can't hear you, you moron!" my wife would say. But she doesn't know the power of the secret, the power of positive thinking. If you would have cheered your balls off and not gotten drunk instead, your team would have won. Don't make that mistake again! Cheer, Cheer! Cheer!

2. If cheering does fail, then Drink! Drink! Drink! Alcoholics are on to something when it comes to numbing the pain.

3. When your team does lose, and they will because you suck as much as I do, immediatly abandon them. Be a fair weather fan, it makes it easier to survive. You'll have people judge you but there judgement is a lot easier to bear than that growing pain in the pit of your stomach. It may be cancer, sure, but more than likely its your manhood trying to squeeze out of you.

4. Hold someone's hand because holding hands feels good. If you are at a bar and things are going bad, turn to the dude next to you. Pick up his hand and look him in the eye. It doesn't have to be a gay thing, he will understand.

5. It's always the refs fault, or the conference, or the unfair matchup and seed. It's never your fault for beliving in a tiny mircle that a 16 seed could finally upset a number one. Hope is never a bad thing my friends. Betting on a long shot however is. Just blame someone else rather than yourself, it's the American way.

6. If you haven't tried crack yet, now may be the time to start.

7. You must have the deep seeded belief that if you were playing in that game, if someone had given you the rock for a last second shot, that you would have made it. You would have done a fade away jumper with your tounge out while getting phone numbers from the ladies at the exact same time. You are always better than those losers, believe it.

8. How many times did you go to the bathroom during the game? If only once, you are still good. If twice, well maybe you need to man up a little bit and cheer a little louder. Three times and I am starting to question your manhood. 4 or more and you might as well put on that pink tutu and give me a plie and set up in a quatrieme. And oh yes, those are real ballet terms. I googled it. But you would probably already know them if your bladder is the size of a 2 year old.

9. Realize early on that God hates you, he hates you so much. He's hated you since the day he thought about giving you a soul. He looked at his work and said "Shit, that's messed up. As punishment, I will make it so that he can never pick a bracket, ever." Just accept the fact and move on with your life. Show the man upstairs that you are a determined loser who will enter a bracket for the last 20 years of your life and yet always picked losers. And you'll do it again next year. Spite and bitterness, a losers best friend.

10. No matter what you do for the rest of the tournement, do one thing: Hate the University of Texas as the no good lazy sons of bitches that they are. Curse thier name and everything that they stand for. Ask yourself over and over how they could lose a fucking game when they are up by 4 with 13 seconds left and fucking choke like a bunch of fucking dipshits. Make vodoo dolls of all the players and jab them in the knees while screaming at them "You twat waffle douchebags! How could you fucking blow that fucking game! I had you in my final four! You were my homer pick! I believed in you! I thought you would upset everyone and be the team that no one thought would make it but you did! Well ain't I the dipshit for believing in my home state you bunch of fucking mamma's boys!" Take a crap on the team photo and then write a letter to the University ask how, oh how, could they blow it at the end when the game was theirs! Perhaps you picked them because you no longer live in Texas but like to brag about Texas and surely Texas would back you up. But reasons don't matter. Just curse them like the dogs that they are.

Then write a blog about it. It will make you feel better as the rest of your bracket turns to shit.