This is an Olympic house. If you walk through that front door, you need to know that. You need to know that everything shuts down for the glory of America. You need to know that we will not be having elaborate dinners. We will be having grill cheese and patriotism. You need to know that communication is restricted to what medals the Americans have a chance at winning. Do not expect any chores to get done unless that chore involves a thing called a Downhill and someone named Vonn is supposed to meet me there.
Do not call and expect a conversation. Do not write a letter expecting it to be opened. Do not send an urgent reply email. You will be ignored. And you will be shamed.
"Why haven't you blogged" I am asked. I judge you. I judge all of you. "Why haven't you watched curling" I reply. I did. Alot. Because I watch everything Olympics. I am an American. You live off my dedication, be thankful for it. I don't know what that last line means but I know that I like it because I was talking about the Olympics and I like everything about the Olympics. Even curling, especially curling. But it's not a sport? What? Debate it some other time. The fact remains that that burly Wisconsin man is an Olympic athlete and even though I'm sure he can out keg stand me, he still deserves my devotion.
USA vs. China. USA vs. Austria. USA vs Russia. USA vs. the World.
This house is filled with those chants. I have taught my two minions. Hossmom leaves the house every morning to chants of USA, USA, USA. Our 150 hour Tivo is filled with all the great moments, all the great races, all the great Olympics. "Get away from our rock, Russia" Little Hoss screams as the curling team takes on the Red Devil. "Go! Go! Go!" Bubba Hoss will yell at the bobsled team. At ages 2 and 4 they don't really understand what they are watching, but this is just minion training for the future. Let me ask you, do you understand the Nordic combined either? Ski jumping and a cross country race makes no sense to combine into one competition. But that does not matter. What matters is that America has a competitor in that race, so we will watch it. And when we watch it we will watch it like its the god damn moon landing.
Little Hoss got to stay up late for the opening ceremonies. We take this very seriously. We would have missed LOST if required. We have a dual turner Tivo so thank god that didn't happen, but that is the kind of sacrifice we are prepared to make as good Americans. We made an American Olympic cake. And even though it turned out like some swamp thing monstrosity, it did not matter because the colors were spot on: Red White and Blue.
So for two weeks, the minions and I watched and cheered. We were there when Miller showed up as a more mature skier and redeemed himself. We were there when Korea couldn't take the pressure and handed Ono a record setting medal. We were there 3 hours after the beginning of the 15K cross country ski. We were there when America put aside all it's differences and cheered in something called Ice Dancing.
And we were there when the losses came as well. This is a competition and that means that we have to take the good as well as the bad. When the Men's and Women's Hockey team lost to our brother's to the north, we wept. When our curling teams continued to lay a big goose egg, we still gave them our voice and a pat on the back. Win or lose, we love them all and are loyal to the end.
And our loyalty was rewarded with 37 medals this winter, far in the lead of all other countries proving that once again that if we eat our Wheaties in the morning we will shit immortality by dinner time. Sure, we didn't get the most gold but the CIA is working on that and we expect a better showing in 4 years.
Meanwhile, we wait patiently for another 2 years for the summer Olympics. We need to kick some Asian ass in Badminton. Impossible you say? Inevitable I reply.