I have a friend getting married this week. Which means that I will have to wear a tie for the first time in 2 years. I will have to find my good shoes, slacks and a shirt. I will have to find all the things that I haven't worn since I worked last. As a stay at home dad we don't get the opportunity to wear the fancy clothes that much. And even though I tried to convince Hossmom that showing up in shorts and a John Deere hat would be just fine, she wasn't having it. She makes me look good.

My friend asked me a question the last time I saw him. He asked me if I had any advice for him on how to make it work, what words of wisdom could I give a newly married man as he starts a new chapter in his life. I don't consider myself any kind of relationship expert but my wife and I do have a very strong marriage. At least while I'm here. When I'm away I hear that her and our postman are equally as strong. Nuk, Nuk, Nuk. But we have been together for 15 years and things are moving right along.

So I'm going to help my buddy out. I'm going to tell him the things that are guarnteed to make it work. I've been there, I've walked down that road. I've made the mistakes and I've had the triumphs. Maybe I can pass along a little wisdom.

First off, show your wife that you appreciate her. After coitious, espeically on the wedding night, give her a high five. Women love the high five and nothing says good job like the hand slap and perhaps even a bro hug, maybe even a pat on the butt. She'll know that you appreciate her efforts. You both just scored and what is better than a high five after a game winning touchdown? But don't stop there, there's much more required in a marriage.

It's a proven fact that women like to feel needed. Whenever you get the chance, throw your towel on the floor. And if you are an advanced husband like me, you can make it land right next to your socks. Your wife will come around later and have to pick up the towel (because it will bug her to much to just leave it there.) And this is what she'll think "He needs me like he needed his mommy. And man oh man do I love a mamma's boy."

Now if you are doing those first two right, eventually you will find yourself with a pregnant wife. This can be kind of tricky but I'll walk you through it. Honesty is the best policy of any good relationship. And if you can't be honest when she needs you most, can you be honest at all? So when she's hanging over the toilet puking her guts out, calmly suggest that she go puke outside because she sounds like a dead horse and it's keeping you up. She'll understand, trust me. And if she throws a high heeled shoe at your head, it just means that she really, really, really understands. And you can do even more during this time.

When she's giving birth make sure you scream at her during delivery. Afterall, you are the coach in this situation and therefore one of the most important members on the team. So dig back to your glory days and scream at her like your coach screamed at you. Call her a pussy, question whether or not she has the desire to be a champion. Give her the "It's 4th and 2! What are you going to do!" She'll love you for it. When the kid is born, don't lose your head in joy either. Your job is not done. Openly question whether this kid is even yours. This shows her that you are concerned about reproductive rights, a very feminist topic, and will only make her respect you more.

Now we need to talk about fiscal responsiblity. Money issues are one of the number 1 things that couples fight about. So make sure that you never include her in any of the money making decisions what so ever. That's just asking for a fight and why would you ever want to do that? And no matter how much money she makes, be sure to put her on an allowance because women also like being told what they can accomplish in a man's world. She'll need the structure and the limitations if she is going to have any sense of self worth. Now she'll want to spend that 5 bucks a week that she gets from you, and that's fine. But you need to limit the amount of time she goes outside in that strange world were other dudes other than you will check out her boobies. So lock her up tight. This will make her feel safe and secure.

But above all, remember this: Love is simple. It's not complicated, it's not hard. One day you will realize that your happiness is tied directly to her happiness. So when she smiles, you are happy. And when she cries, you want to go find the person that made her cry and beat the ever loving crap out of him. You'll understand that she comes first in your life, that no one matters to you as much as she does. And that being the case you will soon figure out that your whole job in this world is do whatever it takes to make her happy, whatever that may be. Because when she is happy, you are happy. So sometimes that means putting down the toilet seat. Sometimes it means letting it go when you find she has thrown away your favorite Tshirt. Sometimes it means going to see a movie with Hugh Grant and a random chick and someone is going to get married. You'll understand that everything else in life is pretty much just fluff and what matters is whats in the center. Protect that center with everything you got. And if you do it right and are lucky, you'll find that someone that believes the exact same thing about you.

And in the end, if you follow my advice, you'll be getting high fives for many, many years.

Congrats Scooter and I wish you and yours the very best.


  1. I always thought a "dead horse" would be rather quiet, not making lots of noise. I mean, its dead...

  2. It's a horse that is haunting the living. Like a zombie horse. Zombie horses are not quiet, they are very loud and keep alot of hard working Americans up at night.

  3. your forgot to advise picking on your mother-in-law results in a walk down lack of memory lane reading the fine print of the marriage contract.

    All aside, thank you loving my daughter