I Resolve

A new year. A new beginning. Out with the old, in with the awesome.

I resolve that this year I shall convince the cat that I am not evil, that in fact she is evil. To prove it, I will show the cat her own reflection in the mirror and then watch her go to hell. Be gone, vile thing.

I resolve that I will not get divorced from my wife. But if I do, I resolve that I will get alimony, the kids, the car, the house, continued boom boom favors and a daily lollipop which will be mailed to me from her lawyer. She gets the cat.

I resolve that I will not have a heart attack while watching any sporting event. Unless said event involves one of my teams and some sort of championship. In which point, I resolve to give myself CPR.

I resolve that in 10 minutes I will drink some hot chocolate.

I resolve that never again will I allow a blog to be censured and pulled from publication prior to it actually having been read. And I further resolve to ignore anyone from telling me "You can't say that!" and then publish it anyway.

I resolve to discover why the dog is so fat and yet never seems to eat. I also resolve to finally discover why the dog also sits underneath my children every time they have dinner.

I resolve to build myself an honest to God catapult that will hurl garbage at my enemies. Which happen to be the teenagers in the neighborhood that I am sure are talking about me. Get a job, hippie!

I resolve to become a grizzled old-timer this year. I feel that I am on track.

I resolve to grow exactly one more hair on top of my head. Just one, no need to go full boar just yet.

I resolve to meet Brad Pitt and become BFF with him and his wife. And then have a key party.

I resolve to celebrate my blog birthday this year by getting beer, getting pumped up the drink it, tell everyone how much I am going to party my ass off, and then go to bed by 9 without touching any of it.

I resolve to get beamed up by Scotty.

I resolve to not blame the dog.

I resolve to not blame the kids.

I resolve not to blame society.

I resolve to blame the man.

I resolve that I will get 50 new blog followers by the end of this year. And I resolve that my current followers should help me do it. I resolve to give them a piece of cheese for every new member they bring me.

I resolve not to make any fake promises anymore.

I resolve to not eat as much pig, the sweet succulent miracle animal that gives us so very very much but does not happen to be good for cholestrol. It's the mans fault.

I resolve to build a car that looks like it came straight out of the Mad Max movies and then see if Little Hoss can get her driver's license. I resolve to take more chances this year.

I resolve not to get lower back pain like some freaking old man.

I resolve not to argue with a 4 year old child about anything. Why? Because I fucking said so.

I resolve to jump for joy at least once a day.

I resolve to listen to at least one bad joke a day such as: Why did the turtle cross the road. To get to the shell station.

I resolve to not make fun of Hossmom right after she tells me a joke. Seriously, why she does this right while I'm in the middle of a blog, I have no idea.

I resolve to take that back.

I resolve to say I'm sorry and how funny my wife is everyday.

I resolve to be more like Chuck Norris where my chief export is pain.

I resolve to ignore "You can't publish that about my mother!"

I resolve to cuss more often.

I resolve to use the term "Tranny Hooker" once in the next two weeks.

I resolve to forget all of this the moment I write it. I resolve to fall asleep in this chair. I resolve to eventually remember to post it on a Monday instead of a Tuesday and thus screwing up everyone's week. I resolve never to say I'm sorry.

I now have a cup of hot chocolate. One down.


  1. I like these resolutions. And I like the shell station joke. Of course, I laugh at jokes like, "Why is 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 8 9." Jokes for five year olds really speak to me. And I will get you followers. I like Colby Jack.

  2. ooh. I've been trying to become a grizzled old-timer since a was 18. Good luck.