There are few endeavors in this world more pointless than lying to my wife. If someone said to me that we will have a man on Mars by March, I would give that a greater chance of success than me pulling one over on Hossmom. But yet, I continue to do it.
"You're sick." she tells me. "You can't go."
I'm! Not! Sick!--that's the lie I told and even as I said it the words came out all wrong. I'b! Nob! Slick! I'm from Naboo. But I am sick and I know it. But if I admit it, I can't go to the movie tonight with the dads and I really want to go to the movie. I've earned this so this virus can suck my balls.
I continue with the lie, I really have no choice. Why? I'll tell you why (and all my women readers be prepared to be vindicated). Because men are liars. Let's tell it like it is. Our entire life is spent lying to women. Did you break that? Nope, it was my brother. Did you sneak out last night? Absolutely not! From birth to marriage you lie to a woman in your life. It's ingrained. It's genetics. It's like the sun, it just is. I didn't cut my sisters hair, it was like that when I found it, I'm not the father--just a few of the obviously bullshit statements men have made in the last million years. It's not our fault, it's society's.
And as such, all women have a dedicated bullshit censor that goes into high gear when they're married. My wife has the deluxe model bullshit censor. It came with leather seats, a sun roof, and a high heeled shoe to throw at my head.
I protest all day that I'b nob slick, hoping that an enthusiastic defense will distract from the cold sweats that cover me in chills. I never believe for a minute that she's buying it but I continue to sell it. It doesn't matter though, I forge on anyway. That's why men are such great explorers. They go on even when they know that they are fucked. Will find that city of gold one day boys, just keep pushing forward.
The true downside of the SAHD life is that you only have that one income, which means you have to protect it. Hossmom has been busting her ass for the last several weeks and has missed almost every family dinner. And this week she's not going to be home until the kids are in bed and I've finished with Skinimax. I need this movie. I need to get out while I can.
I carry though my day as normal, hoping to prove I'b nob slick. Cleaning, laundry, playing with the kids. I take short naps in the bathroom hoping to regain some energy because the truth is I'm dying here. I cook a normal dinner, Asian stirfry. I would prefer my normal sick food, the glorious Fruity Pebbles, but to do so would admit defeat and be an obvious sign that I'm sick. Asian stirfry may possibly be the worst sick food ever. But I eat because I will not admit defeat.
I clean up after dinner, I take the dogs out, I put the kids to bed. Hossmom just shakes her head and let's me know I'm not fooling anyone. Can't turn back now though, I've gone to far.
Finally I get ready to leave for the movie. She again protests but again I lie. I'b nob slick, I'm going to watch a movie.
Which is another lie within a lie. It would have been more accurate to say that I'm going to sleep in a movie theater while a movie plays. But I'm running on principle now and when you don't have Fruity Pebbles, principles is all you got.