What Santa Wants

I'm guessing by now all your presents are wrapped and under the tree. The kids like to come in and shake them, perhaps open a few when the parents are asleep and then cleverly re-wrap them thus giving them the best 3 nights of Tecmo Bowl a child could ever have. (sorry mom but it was worth it)

But that's not all the presents as we all very well know. Santa is coming and he brings presents to! Your kids are being extra special good because they love Santa. They are helping with the laundry, they are picking up their room and they are not pounding on their little brother like a speed bag in a basement gym in Chicago.

And on Christmas eve you and your family will follow the tradition of setting out cookies and milk for Santa.

Well, let me tell you something. I know Santa. I know him very, very well. You could say that I know him personally.

And Santa loves cookies and milk. But c'mon, maybe Santa would like something a little different this year. I heard, and I won't say from where, that Santa would appreciate a nice cold Corona with a fresh cut lime right next to his cookie plate. Milk is good but Santa has a tough job that night. He's got to visit the houses of billions of children all in one night.

And let's say in one particular house he has to put together several toys so that they'll be ready to roll in the morning. Let's face it, that bike isn't going to put itself together and nothing is more disappointing than getting a toy in a box that you have to wait to play with. Santa is a handy man, no doubt. In fact, Santa just helped a buddy remodel his bathroom, he's good like that. Yes, he can put together a bike. But it might take a while and the beer would be awful good.

But don't stop there. After all, Santa is giving so much of himself this year. Instead of cookies, if you TRULY love Santa, perhaps you should cook him a nice thick steak to go with that beer. Don't get me wrong, Santa still loves cookies, but Santa appreciates a good piece of meat with perhaps some sort of butter sauce on the side.

And since you are going to all that trouble, why not just go a little bit further. I would bet you dollars to donuts that Santa would think it's great if you added a baked potato with that steak and beer. Don't go cheap on Santa now.

I mean think about it, this is your last ditch effort to make the nice list. Maybe a certain 3 year old girl and a 2 year old boy are on the bubble. Maybe they won't make the cut. It couldn't hurt any to give yourself one big boost by getting that steak and potato ready and adding a chilled glass for the beer. You want Santa to have good thoughts and Santa is happiest digging into a dead cow carcus.

Listen, he loves your cookies. He thinks they are great. But Santa has a big night and needs all the energy he can. Do you really want Santa stopping by the 7-11 to pick up a muchaco? Probably not, what if he misses your house.

And if he misses your house, how is he going to have time to put together the toy lawnmower that a 2 year old boy has been drooling over. What if he gets tired and just leaves it in the chimney. He's already got to put together a bike. And let's be honest here, those instructions are going to be in Japanese and Santa doesn't read Japanese. He's going to be tired and he is going to be frustrated because his drill isn't all the way charged up.

Maybe he'll have the shakes because he didn't get enough to eat. So when he's opening the box the knife slips and he cuts his wrists. Bam, you killed Santa because you insisted on the cookies and milk routine. Besides, shouldn't Santa lay off the sweets, he does have a little bit of a weight problem.

This is just something to think about, something to chew on while you wait for your Christmas morning presents. But it would sure be a shame if the only thing keeping you from that dollhouse was a lousy steak.

But if you do lay out cookies..........

Santa prefers Peanut Butter ones.


  1. I'm sitting at work reading this and laughing out loud. I'm trying to hide my tears. If Santa has such a weight problem, don't you think oatmeal and fruit would be best? I mean, butter sauce? Heart attack waiting to happen as he huffs and puffs down one chimney after another. Oatmeal will lower his cholesterol. I'm just sayin'.

  2. I'll give Santa a six pack. In fact, if I recall correctly, Santa got wine at our house. I never thought that was odd until now..... Merry Christmas!!