The Sweetness

It occurs to me that I have spent a lot of time lately writing about how my daughter and my son have constantly destroyed things that frankly, should withstand Armageddon. Impressive to be sure, even if it is costly. It also occurs to me that this blog serves as a history of their childhood and one day they'll read this.

That said, I think today I should focus on some of the sweeter and good things about the minions. I wouldn't trade the SAHD lifestyle for anything right now. Well, maybe to have the ability to once again eat bacon. Maybe I would give it all up for just one juicy tidbit of nature's goodness without the worry of high cholesterol that runs in my family. Mmmm, bacon. But that isn't going to happen anymore than they are going to discover a way to make bacon without giving me high cholesterol. If they do though, you sons of bitches better let me know about it. And the first dumb bastard that mentions turkey bacon can just leave the blog right now.


The minions are rough and tumble but so are all kids their age. My wife seems to enjoy the antics a lot but I maintain because she is never the one that has to snake the toilet because Barbie's head was flushed down there. I would enjoy it more myself. But what she says she enjoys most is seeing Karma take hold. According to Hossmom, I'm every bit as destructive as my daughter and son and that this is the universe's way of evening things out. In this discussion she rattles off a dozen or so things that I unintentionally broke the last week and then brings up her favorite. I once put my foot through the bathtub. Stupid fiberglass piece of shit. You are now asking yourself what I was doing in the bathtub to put my foot through it. It was nothing important, let's forget about it and move on. I broke it, it got fixed, done.

Karma or no Karma though, the kids have a lot of good traits that make the SAHD life worth it.

My son likes to flex in the mirror. I taught him this and it's cool as hell as he constantly repeats "Big and Strong, grrrr." Then I do it and Little Hoss lets me know that I'm bigger and stronger than everyone. Damn right, keep that in mind when you start dating.

Little Hoss likes to serenade me when I'm fixing one of the things that she has broken. It's no particular song, just whatever is popping up in her minion brain. Today it was "People like my Daddy because he got me a Barbie movie." It was very good and we almost had a few unintentional rhymes.

Both of them love to watch football with me late at night. Whether it's because they are up past their bedtimes or they enjoy America's finest game, I don't really care. We share chips and yell at the players. It's awesome.

Bubba Hoss is just learning to talk so everything he says is cute. Like "Daddy, I pooping!" He says it with such vigor, how can I not think that is cute.

Little Hoss chases the cat off the table. I hope she catches her one day. WWE Smackdown.

No "surprise" face that you see will ever be better than a 3 year old and a 2 year old. It doesn't matter what the surprise is that causes them to make the face. Only that it is special and for them. You'll get the best reactions every time.

Little Hoss loves broccoli and they both eat green beans raw. Gross but hows that for not having to fight for them to eat vegetables.

Nothing makes you feel more accomplished than getting high fives from your biggest fan club. Even if you screw up, they still give you a high five for trying. And sometimes, when you do an extra good job, you get a fist bump.

Little Hoss loves to vacuum.

Bubba Hoss got a splinter in his foot and didn't scream once when I was digging it out with the tweezers even though it had to hurt like hell.

Little Hoss sleeps best when she goes to bed on my chest.

Bubba Hoss wakes up best when he is able to see me first thing in the morning. Excited every time.

Little Hoss threw me a tea party today because I was being a "good boy."

Whenever we go get movies from the rental store, Little Hoss insists that I get one for me, too.

Both of them are big supporters of letting me play video games without ratting me out to Hossmom.

I put up the Christmas lights and now I am their "favorite Daddy."

Hossmom spent 5 hours making thanksgiving dinner. I opened the can of cranberry sauce and slide the gelatinous mass onto a plate. It took less than five minutes. During Thanksgiving, all they wanted to do was eat the jelly. I am an awesome cook.

I have only been bitten once in the past 2 weeks.

I have only been punched in the balls twice in the past 2 weeks.

Seeing a peanut butter and jelly sandwich fly through the air at the dogs head is actually a pretty beautiful sight. The spinning is mesmerizing.

Little Hoss picks up her crayons now.

Bubba Hoss hasn't thrown anything down the top of the stairs in a long time.

No kid is easier at bedtime than Bubba Hoss. Jammies and a pacifier and he goes straight into the bed. One song and count to ten and he's good for the night.

They both love going to civil war battlefields with me. In fact, they love going everywhere with me.

Every time I pick up my daughter from preschool she tells me that she misses me so much.


So it's not all chaos here. It's sweet and tender and memories that will be with me forever. These are the same memories that I go over in my head when I've just about had it. In fact, I'm doing it right now because because currently I am reattaching the vacuum cleaner hose back onto the vacuum. I have no idea how they did it but it's important to remember that a little girl that knows where the butter knives are can take apart anything.