A Day In The Life

Come over here.
Go over there.
Eat your lunch.
Don't throw your lunch on the floor.
Let the dog eat it.

I can handle this.

Don't hit your brother.
Don't hit the dog.
Don't hit me in the balls.
Don't hit the cat.
I told you not to hit the cat.

I can really handle this, I'm in complete control.

That's why we don't throw peanut butter and jelly, isn't it?
Clean it up.
Stop licking the wall.
Call the dog over.
Get off the dog.

They listen to me like I am speaking the gospel.

Put your socks on.
No, on your feet, not your hands.
Put both of your socks on.
Not on the same foot.
Just let me do it.

Seriously, I know what I'm doing.

Hold hands everybody, we have to be careful.
Look out for the car.
Don't throw rocks at the car.
We are almost there, everyone just keep walking.
Not backwards.

Sure, they take things a little to literal at times, but we'll get past it.

I see you, honey.
Yes honey, I see you.
Honey, I see you. Stop asking.
I don't need to come closer. I still see you.
Where did my daughter go?

We just have to stick to the routine.

Don't eat that off the floor.
Because it's gross.
Because I said so.
Because you'll get sick.
Go get the mop.

My life needs a theme song.

Yes honey, I see your butterfly wings.
No honey, you can't fly.
No honey, you can't climb on top of the car.
No honey, I won't help you.
No honey, I can't go faster.

Something with a good beat.

I like your toy cars, too.
I don't want to eat your toy cars.
Please move your toy cars out of my face.
Seriously, let's move the toy cars out of my face.
Because I already ate lunch.

And a big guitar riff.

You throw that and you're getting a timeout.
Now your sister's crying.
I'm going to let her punch you.
Don't punch your brother, I was just kidding.
Ok, everyone goes into timeout.

And girls with big hooters dancing on poles.

Put this in the laundry basket.
Take this out of the laundry basket.
Everyone get out of the laundry basket.
The laundry basket is going to break.
Everyone get out of the dryer.

I should be on TV.

That's AC/DC guys, they're cool.
That's Metallica, they're cool to.
That's Nirvana, they were once cool.
That's Julie Andrews in Mary Poppins.
She's hot.

How am I not on TV?

I don't want to watch Dora.
I don't want to watch Diego.
I don't want to watch Wonder Pets
I don't want to watch Penguins.
Let's watch The Simpsons.

A TV show with my own theme music. That would be cool.

Let's go potty.
Ok, let's go pee-pee.
Wait, take your panties off first.
Not all the way off.
Because we are in a public restroom and it's creepy.

And I would do commercials.

This is my blog, honey.
Yes dear, I'm writing.
Yes dear, those are words.
I'm writing about you and your brother.
Because you are both funny.

But I couldn't handle the fame.

1 comment:

  1. Flirting with Disaster by Molly Hatchet