The Dishwasher

Question: Why wasn't the dishwasher loaded and run last night thus leaving me to make false assumptions and be without any clean eatery in the morning, the most hectic time of day? Please people, let's remain calm here and go through our options and possibilities before we assign any blame.

Option 1: Zombie attack. It's finally happened, the undead have risen and are after fresh juicy brains. And it is highly understandable that a person would want to protect their think box before doing simple household chores that would have taken no more than 10 minutes. Even if our entire routine is based on a clean kitchen in the morning, I would totally understand if a person's first thought was to grab a shotgun and not dish washing detergent. And for God's sake, barricade the house. Don't forget the chimney, those fucker's are smarter than you think they are. However, I saw the garbage man out this morning and I doubt they would still be working in the great Z war although they are some dedicated bastards.

Option 2: Red dawn has finally come true. At this very moment Cubans could be parachuting down to a school close to you. Rally my brothers! In the name of Patrick Swayze cry vengeance and defend your nation! Teach the Russian dogs what it means to be an American! Drop your dishes and pick up your assault rifles. Open up your cache of weapons and chase off those yellow bellied cowards with our cries of freedom! Wolverine! Wolverine! But you would think that I would have seen that in the news, or would I?

Option 3: We have finally used up every available energy source, thus leaving us back in the stone ages where they washed dishes by hand. Can we still make fire and club women over the head because that last part doesn't sound so bad right about now.

Option 4: Poltergeist activity. Wow, the supernatural are jacking with me. The dishwasher was loaded and as a warning they unloaded it. The message of course being "Get Out!" or perhaps "Get more Cascade!" I know how this works, I've seen Ghostbusters. In the library scene it is seen clearly that the ghosts are unshelving the books and stacking them on the floors. After all, the dishes were neatly stacked on the counter, just not put in the EMPTY dishwasher. But the walls aren't bleeding so maybe this isn't it.

Option 5: I forgot to do it. Entirely possible. I could have meant to do it but suffer from amnesia which was the result of a blow to my head by Little Hoss. I think we here all know my daughter well enough and can see this is a very likely scenario. She would probably use a curtain rod just for the creativity of it. But I've checked all the curtain rods and they are all in place and Little Hoss isn't known for cleaning up the evidence.

Option 6: Did Hossmom not do it? That would be weird since she said "Don't worry about the dishes, I'll do them." Which would certainly mean she would, wouldn't it? And if this is the case then I would have to be the dumbest motherfucker to turn around and blog about it in some passive aggressive display of frustration. Why wouldn't I just talk to her about it? Sure, that conversation would be a complete and total beat down. It would only end up being turned around to a point where something I did wrong 12 years ago was brought up. The time I played poker all night before we were married would eventually be thrown out there and once again I would be apologizing for it, yet again and again and again, until the subject of the dishes was completely forgotten and Hossmom had left for a triumphant martini. Seriously, how insane would I have to be? It would have to be some long time issue that has happened again and again and again for me to even consider doing something that stupid. I don't have that kind of death wish. Trust me, nothing is worse than a 3 hour lecture on my past wrongs while I am also forced to stare at the god damn unclean dishes sitting right on top of the god damn counter knowing full well that the god damn dishwasher is actually empty.

I'm going to go ahead with option number 1, zombie attack because it's the least scary one that I can imagine. I would rather fight the undead and believe that humanity is being exterminated than believe any of the others. Trust me, it's all about perspective. If it was zombies I could just eat straight out of the can.


  1. Club Hossmom over the head, throw her out as a sacrifice to the zombies and go play videogames while little hoss and bubba hoss wash the dishes.

  2. Sounds like somebody needs a spanking...

  3. pull out the marriage contract and read the fine print clause that says thou shall not bring past transgressions into current agruement

  4. Just an update: Hossmom "accidently" took my car keys to work today so I was confined to house all day with the kids. No shopping and no movie Monday. She says that this is not a passive aggressive response to this particular blog where I clearly blamed the Zombies for the dishwasher situation.

    Then she did the dishes. Well, back up a little bit. She ate the meal I prepared, rinsed the dishes off, and placed them stacked on the counter. The dishwasher is again empty. I'm pretty sure that one was in response to this particular blog although again, I point out that the Zombies are to blame.

    Somehow I feel that I brought this on myself.

  5. Just do what you always do,...serve cereal for breakfast in large tuppaware bowls.