Tofu, The Devils Dinner Meat.

What the hell is tofu?

This is not the first time that I have asked this question. What I usually get back is that it's a good source of protien. I have no idea what that means. That's one of those answers that people usually give when they don't know the answer. Trust me, I can talk a great game about nothing. This blog is proof. So when I get a non answer I can smell it like week old milk that my daughter left in my car and I'm to lazy to go find it. I know it's there, I know it's going to get worse, but I don't have the energy or the concern to actually do anything about it.

It's made from soy beans. I don't know what that means either. That's like saying a hot dog is made from a cow. It's true but not entirely true. If you use hoof then I suppose that a hot dog is made from cow. So is tofu made from the hoof of the soy bean?

As most of you know I've been sick this week. Some friends cooked us a meal this last weekend that contained tofu. Big chunks of it, cut to make it look like cheese. But it's not cheese. No, it's evil cheese. It's bizzaro cheese. It looks like cheese sitting all innocent on a bed of rice, not wanting to hurt anyone. Then you take a few handfuls and shove it in your mouth and that's where the party begins.

Now to be fair, the 6 people that ate this meal did not get sick, I was the only one. And for that, I hate them all. They are all fine and went about thier lives while I was praying to whatever god was listening to please kill me before I have to go to the bathroom again. Just one little lighting bolt Zues, that's all it would take. It would be fantastic if someone would have just smitted the heathen that was running while simultaneously trying to pull down his pants. I would have been grateful for it.

My wife claims that it wasn't the tofu so much but the type of dish in general that made me sick. She said that as a avowed meateater for the last 34 years, my system wasn't ready for the shock of a purely fat free diet. I told her that I was aghast and asked her why she had to insult my toughness and the greatness of meat in one sentence. Wasn't I suffering enough?

She pointed out that no one else got sick and that it probably wasn't the tofu at all. But I know it was the tofu. The tofu has been out to get me for years and it finally had it's chance. It was just waiting until it had that one opening and then BAM, it pounced on me like a fat kid on a candy bar. Do you have a candy bar by the way, I'm a little hungry now.

It wasn't a pretty couple of days around here. Turns out that as a stay at home dad I have absolutely no benefits package. I have no vacation days, no sick days and no substitute to call when needed. Teachers are pampered. All they have to deal with are gangs and gun shots. They don't have the vengefullness of tofu.

So I did the only thing I could. I whined to anyone who would listen.

In this case, it was no one. Hossmom couldn't take any days off work as she had big important business meetings. I assured her that my meetings with Mr. John were just as important but it couldn't happen. And when you have only one income, you kind of need to protect that one income.

Bubba Hoss wouldn't listen. As soon as I layed down the first place he wanted to go was my stomach. As a gentlemen of larger size my stomach is extra springy which normally makes for fun times for my 2 year old hopper. However now every time he jumped I would have to throw him off me and race for yet another big important meeting.

Little Hoss was pretty good but that is mainly because I used my tried and true method of sick parenting. TV all day, all the time. So many cartoons coming at her at once that she has now forgotten her ABC's and when she counts she puts 9 at the beginning. There was one point where I had Yo Gabba Gabba going on one TV and Snow White going on the other. I am pretty sure that I turned her brain to mush but I can live with those consequences.

Wikipedia says that tofu is made by coagulating soy milk. Humans should eat nothing that is coagulated, that's my new policy. No coagulated food and no swamp water. If I avoid those two things, I think I should be fine.


  1. This reminds me of the time that Uncle Hippie made Hossman eat salmon and was immediately struck with the flu, which he blamed on the innocent fish. And has never eaten fish again.

  2. There you go. Hatin' on alternative sources of protein. Perhaps it would be better if it were fried...

  3. "There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice. But they couldn't sell soy juice, so they called it soy milk. Because anytime you say soy juice, you actually... start to gag. Know how come I know there's no such thing as soy milk? Because there's no soy titty, is there?"

    -Lewis Black (2004)

  4. I'm sorry you have been so sick. I don't understand tofu either. The springy texture is beyond gross and it has no flavor.

    I'm glad you are feeling better!