It's amazing the things that a man will do for his family. It's even more amazing the things a man will do to avoid his family completely.
Dad is being nothing short of awesome. If you saw him walking down the street you would want to throw your panties at him and ask him to take you back to the bus. He's doing everything right this week.
"Let me cook you a special dinner." he says. "And don't worry about cleaning up, I'll take care of that too." His wife looks at him like he's a little crazy, a little touched in the head. She wonders what is going on.
The next day he is up bright and early. "Who's up for some omelets? If not an omelet, how about a nice fruit smoothie? I got fresh bananas." he even tells his wife that if she wants to go out tonight, no problem. He can handle bedtime on his own.
His wife does have to go out of town this week and she always worries a little about him when she does. Not because he can't handle it but because it just makes for some long days for him. But he's fine, he says, he even offers to drive her to the airport. She asks him what he's going to do with the kids this week.
Hiking for sure, they love hiking and digging in the dirt. And who doesn't love a trip to the zoo? Everybody loves the zoo and feces throwing monkeys and baboons that get huge erections. And of course, he's going to playgroup so his daughter can see her best friend. When that's all done, he was thinking that they could hit the playground as well or let the kids do some finger painting and body shots. They'll have a great time. The wife is happy and impressed, she married a hell of a man.
What he doesn't tell his wife is that he's going to give the kids candy and cookies to. He's going to let them stay up late and jump on the bed. He's going to put a saddle on the dog and they are going to try and rope the cat. They'll love him forever after this.
The wife calls him while she is out of town. Is he ok? Is he doing fine? "Things are great" he tells her. "The kids are asleep in Mommy and Daddy's bed"
"Wow" She thinks. " I have the greatest husband in the world." And in the fall, Monday through Friday, she does.
She gets home from her trip and dinner is waiting for her. She is excited to see what he has planned for a fun family weekend.
She gets up on Saturday and heads downstairs. She sees the kids still in their pajamas and they look happy. Breakfast smells great, the day starts off well. After breakfast she is eager to start their day, a happy family doing happy family things.
"What's next?" She asks, excited.
"Quiet you." He says.
? That's not the response she was hoping for. Maybe she didn't understand.
"Are we going to a museum? How about a nature center?"
"I don't care what you people do."
You people? what does he mean by you people? Then she looks up and sees what he has been watching on T.V.
Pregame. Football season has arrived.
He wasn't being a great husband this last week, she knows that now. He was score boarding. That devious bastard was planning this the whole week so no one could argue with him when he told them to go away so he could watch some football.
The dinners--that bought him the 1st half of the college games on Saturday. Notre Dame, USC, Texas Tech, pregames, post games, sportscenter, highlights, in depth online analysis--bought and paid for by busting his ass the whole week so he could watch 2 days of football without getting crap from anyone, especially his family.
Staying up late with the kids, giving them candy, going to their favorite places was nothing but a ruse so that he could happily ignore them for 2 days without feeling guilty. Hell, the fort he built out of couch cushions alone can get him through to at least Sunday morning.
Sunday's are reserved for professional football. He figures that he gets this free and clear because he encouraged her to go out on the town while she was away. And she did. Almost evil genius level of conniving here. Inwardly, she's a little impressed at the degree and depth of the planning that this had to involve.
His two kids come up to him. They know nothing of score boarding. They are more of a What Have You Done for Me Lately crowd. They just want Dad.
From in between the couch cushions he pulls out a single bag of M&M's. he throws them in a corner and both of the kids descend on it like a couple of rabid dogs being fed table scraps. He knows that they'll work together to open it and he also knows the fight that will shortly break out afterwards. No one wants to share a single bag of candy. He knows that the only recourse for his wife will be to pack up both the kids in the Griswald family car and go get another treat so everyone has one and it's fair. Then probably the park until they burn that sugar high off. That's like a 4 hour outing, enough to get him safely into the late afternoon games. Then naptime comes and that gets him to dinner.
Christ he's good.