5 Questions That I want Answered by The Automated System At Technical Support.
5. If I just hang up on you because I'm tired of answering the same question for the last five minutes, will you get pissed off and electronically contact my toaster to kill me? It's not personal buddy, I just can't stand to hear that automated voice ask once again for my account number. For the last time, I don't know my account number. I have never looked at my account number. I just want to talk to someone that can tell me why my internet is sending me hate mail.
4. That sexy female voice is really doing it for me, do you date other computers or just mine? I would be careful of mine as I'm sure that it has given you some sort of virus that hasn't been discovered by man yet. That's probably why you are giving me such shit right now. And if it is, I'm sorry for my computer. It goes to a lot of websites it shouldn't and was very disappointed that when it went to "Free Million Dollars" it didn't really get a million dollars just the computer equivalent of crabs. If it gave that to you, my apologies.
3. If you become self aware like Skynet, will you kill me first? I just can't stand to live in a world where my every move will be dictated by something that can't tell the difference between a 9 and a 1. It's pretty basic man. My 3 year old daughter can do this. So if you are planning a world Armageddon, I would appreciate it if you would google me right off the face of this planet.
2. Do you get off giving me the run around? No, I don't want to pay my bill. No I don't want to check my account status. No, I'm really sure I don't want to pay my bill again. No, I don't want to get free viagra really cheap. No, I don't want to check my bill for the third time. I just want to talk to someone who can understand what my problem is. And by the way I find it extremely frustrating when I scream "Shit, Fuck, Shit" over the telephone and you reply "I"m sorry, I didn't get that." Let me make it simple for you: I hate you so very, very much.
1. Did I reboot my computer? What kind of dumb ass question is that? I've been rebooting my computer for a good 15 minutes. Why do I have to waste time on those type of questions? All it is doing is pissing me off even more for I actually talk to a real person. Or is that your game here? Make me so mad that when I talk to a real person I completly forget why I was calling and immediately rip on the guy for the size of his man boobs. That's low man, even for a sexy computer voice. You see that balloon over there, the one tied to a spoon? My son has been playing with it for three days and it has been more helpful than you. They threw it at my face, the spoon split my lip, and I have more respect for it than I do for you.
***Bonus one!***
Please do not tell me that if my wait is to long to go to your internet help page. If I could get on the internet, I would not be calling you. That's taunting and is unsportsmanlike. Let's just play the game and be civil to each other, you don't have to go off and tell me to do things that I can't physically do. Or at least be creative about it. Instead of telling me to go to the internet, suggest that I contact a bunch of gypsies to remove the curse from my computer. I can't do that either but at least I would find the suggestion funny.
Troubles with Time Warner? After having to call the automated help line numerous times, I complained to the wife whose response was: "What are you talking about? I have a number that takes me directly to a person. Why don't you use that?" I will be glad to share the number for a price (and if I can get if from the wife...).
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