The Friday Five

5 Things That I Have Learned From Being A Dad.

5. Candy always tastes better if it's dug out from under the couch cushions and has a maximum amount of dog hair on it.

4. They will always find your porn stash. No matter what, no matter where, they will find it and bring it out in the most inopportune times, like playgroup.

3. Dog food and human food. One in the same.

2. If a toddler tells you how proud they are that they went pee-pee in the potty and then ask to go up on your shoulders because you are a great dad--don't do it. Chances are they were in such a hurry to go pee-pee in the potty that they didn't have time to actually take their underwear off. But since they did it while over the potty, it counts. You don't want to know what that wet slimy feeling is on the back of your neck. Just go take a shower.

1. Standing over that A/C vent in the floor while wearing shorts feels fucking awesome. Seriously, greatest thing ever.