The Friday Five

5 reasons why prison wouldn't be so bad once you got passed the fuck me in the ass part.

5. Alone. In a cell. No noise. No one demanding that you feed them. No one demanding that you watch Dora one more time. If I get picked up on a DUI charge and didn't bail myself out, think I could get 30 days?

4. 3 hots and a cot. Free of charge. And a library. Maybe a little cable TV where I could watch Divorce Court. Those people are fucked up. They are so fucked up that it makes me feel better about myself. I ate a sweettart today that I found in the couch. Yet, I'm still better than you guys.

3. You make the call: I have a mortgage, a wife that can sometimes be demanding (only in a good way honey, I love you, don't hit me anymore), and 2 kids that demand that I get up at 6:30 every morning and go nonstop until they pass out at night. VS prison. You tell me--who has more freedom.

2. Free medical care without the copay. If I break my arm right now, I'm out at least 300 bucks for the trip to the emergency room. That includes the ambulance charge because if I'm going to the hospital I'm making them drive. Those things are bitchin and I've never had the opportunity to ride in one. Odd considering that I hurt myself so much that I have a full fledged state of the art first aid kit in the house. And I want good drugs to. Of course, in prison you are probably in there for a blown colon, but after that, not so bad.

1. Friends. You make a lot of good friends in prison. Every con movie I've ever seen always has a guy "that I met in prison." They sound like a good sewing circle that I may want to join. They even have clubs. White Knights, MS-13--you can find whatever fits your demographic. If they had one for video gamers, I'd be set.