The Friday Five

5 Things That My Kids (ages 3 and 1) Can Get Me For Father's Day

5. They can settle thier tab. That's right kids, I"m keeping track of how much you each owe me from birth until you move out when you are 18. Oh yes, your moving out at 18. Don't try to get mom to intervene, not gonna work. So by my count, Little Hoss owes me around 25,000. I've had to add a few extra thousand for the amount of damage she has done to my house. You will NOT be getting your security deposit back. Bubba Hoss, you only owe around 15 K but you also owe me a new carpet for when you shit on it. That's right, you have to pay for a whole new carpet. A cleaning alone won't get that memory out of my head. So let's make dad happy, pay your monthly payment. No one wants bad credit.

4. A new wallet. I'll give you a father's day staple, no pressure. I'll tell you what, you can even make it goofy. Put a picture of a princess on it, I'm cool with that. As a stay at home dad, I'm already a pussy, so a princess wallet really will not make that much difference. However, I don't want to see one, not one, neck tie. Unless that necktie comes with a beer, then we're cool.

3. Tires. All dads love tires. Enough said.

2. Anything that we can potentially hurt ourselves with while mom is gone. Like a chainsaw. We could use a chainsaw in this house. But not a little one. We need one of those big bastards like we watch on ESPN when we can't take any more Dora. One of those that come with a muffler, so then we can take it off and make it louder. One that would work underwater during an earthquake. That would be fucking cool.

1. One afternoon, just one, where no one stomps on my balls. That would be fantastic. Look, I know everyone likes to climb on dad and that's ok. I'm a big guy, I'm your jungle gym. I catch you when you fall, I'm the safety net to your hire wire act of insanity. But please, just one afternoon when you don't put your little monkey feet crashing down on the the coin purse. And if you do, a nice bag of ice would be almost as good. We don't really need two moms in this house.

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