Ode to my Big Fat Dumb Dog

Oh, my huge fat white spotted dog, why are you so dumb?
In the history of the earth I don’t think there has been an animal this dumb.
Have your brains leaked out your ears and been replaced with corn?
Oh, my huge fat white spotted dog, why are you so dumb?

It is time for you to go outside and be attached to the leash.
You are excited, you slobber on the cat in your excitement
I attach the leash to your harness and pat you on your way.
The first thing you do is chase the squirrel that you have no chance of catching.

But you try and are shocked, shocked I say!
That every single time you are amazed your don’t catch the squirrel
Or that your leash is only 20 yards long
And you are jerked back in your surprise and failure.

Your attention span won’t let you focus on your failure though, no!
You are to good to dwell on past mistakes and I salute you madam.
But do you really have to then run immediately around the pole that you are tied to?
You run for a freedom that you can’t handle.

Run
Run
Run
Run

You run around that pole until there is no more rope left
And your head is tied to that pole, yet another failure
And yet, you don’t move backwards to untie yourself.
You will sit there for hours wondering why you can’t move.

People hear stories of animals that accidental hang themselves.
They are referring to you, you are legend.

Oh, my huge fat white spotted dog, please, please, explain this to me.
Explain to me what the hell you are barking at
Explain to me what sound or sight has caused you to go insane?
Do you see dead people?

I watch you tied to that pole barking at the vast emptiness
The emptiness that is between your ears, the cavern of your stupidity
I watch and I watch and I watch
Seriously, what the hell?

You have been out on the leash many, many times
And each and every time it is the same thing
Chase the squirrel and then wrap yourself around the pole
It is time to change your strategy.

You see that pile of rocks that you peed on?
They are smarter than you.
You see that dirt clod by the house?
It is smarter than you.


A big toe, a piece of lint, or a blind ant
They are all smarter than you.
If someone offered me a pickle in trade for you
I would turn them down because I knew I would be ripping them off.

And of course, my big fat white spotted dog, I will come untie you.
I will unwrap your leash from the pole and I will curse the squirrel
I will pat you on the head and tell you it’s ok
Because God loves the stupid creatures and so do I.

And when you immediately tie yourself up once again
As soon as the leash is on you, not wasting a second
I will think to myself, only half seriously
I could have had a gerbil.