I was all geared up to write a very nice blog. I was going to write about teaching my daughter something or maybe buying our new house and all the shit we have had to go through with that.
But tonight I can’t. I can’t because today Little Hoss was possessed by the devil.
Now, some of my readers without kids out there think that I mean that my child was being very, very, very, very, very bad today. However those with kids know that I mean that my child was actually so bad that I am pretty damn sure that the devil must have possessed her and if she gets out of her bed one more god damn time I am going to call the Pope to take care of this.
So tonight I’m not much in the mood to write something witty or endearing. I’m in no mood to do that what so ever. Little Hoss was too much today. I don’t mean that she was a handful. I mean that I thought about looking into adoption right after she decided to stuff a handful of goldfish into the mouth of my 7 month old son causing panic attack number 9 of the day. Then she stole a half gallon of Drano from Home Depot. Seriously, she took off with a half gallon of Drano and Hossmom and I didn’t figure it out until we got home. Possessed, I tell you.
I have been forced today to whip out every parent saying that I have and a few that I made up on the spot. To the untrained ear it may seem like I am a caring parent dispensing good advice or gentle reprimands. It may even seem like I am just going about my day. However, to other parents who say the same things as me, they know that the phrases I have used have an entirely different meaning, such as “possessed by the devil.”
Let me offer you some translations so that when you hear other parents say these things, you can be clued in to what is really happening.
Parent Says: “It’s time for bed.”
Meaning: It’s actually 4 hours before bedtime but daddy needs to drink real bad right about now. Daddy needs to drink not only one but 30 and this would be easier for me to do if you were in your room quietly. So run along now, Daddy’s getting drunk. If I’m lucky, your mom will join in and then we can give you another brother or sister to help terrorize us.
Parent Says: “Honey, you need to learn to share.”
Meaning: Look, I can’t afford two of everything for Chrissakes. You don’t even like that toy and didn’t even want it until someone else picked it up. If you don’t give up that toy I am going to throw it in the garbage disposal and make you flip the switch.
Parent Says: “Honey, play nice.”
Meaning: If you are going to kick that kid’s ass at least do it away from my eyes so that I don’t have to deal with it or the other kid’s parents. If I see you fighting, I am honor-bound to stop it. It’s a parent thing. However, if I don’t see it, I can just play dumb. If you get your ass kicked, don’t come home.
Parent Says: “One at a time please.”
Meaning: The laws of physics prevent you from putting that many Cheerio’s in your mouth. I don’t govern these laws and am therefore powerless to increase your Cheerio stuffing power. I admire your ambition but I don’t think Guinness has a world record for this. And quit spitting them on the floor, the dog won’t eat them. And if the dog won’t eat them then I have to ignore them for the entire day until your mother gets home.
Parent Says: “Do you have to go potty?”
Meaning: Look slick, do your really have to take a whiz or do you just want to go sit on the toilet for 2 seconds so you can then stuff a roll of toilet paper in there and watch it go down? If you have to take a leak, fine, we’ll do that. But if you are just getting me up out of my chair to play Toilet Overflow again I’m going to be pissed. And no, splashing in the toilet water when it overflows is not funny.
Parent Says: “No honey, you cannot have any Go-gurt right now, dinner’s almost ready.”
Meaning: Dinner is still a good two hours away but you can’t have any Go-gurt because: 1: Yogurt in a tube is gross and I can’t believe I was such a sucker to the advertising that I actually bought this filth. 2. You don’t so much as eat it as you smear it on the carpet and 3: When you eat this stuff you get really smelly gas and your poop steams when its time to change your diaper and you know what, I don’t want to have to deal with that today.
Parent Says: “Let’s go to the park.”
Meaning: Why don’t you run around on the playground equipment while I sit my lazy ass down on a bench and read a book? That sounds fantastic. And sure, you can jump in that big mud puddle as long as you have the understanding that you are walking home if you do.
Parent Says: “Sweetheart, eat your dinner.”
Meaning: You have a couple of options here, let me explain them to you. You can either eat your dinner like a nice little girl or I can open your mouth with a rib spreader and pour in the macaroni and cheese. It’s really your choice and I am good either way.
Parent Says: “Don’t throw this again.”
Meaning: That’s a hell of an arm you got there kid, I’m actually impressed. If you do throw it again I’m probably going to be ok with it.
Parent Says: “Leave the cat alone.”
Meaning: Go ahead, piss off the cat and don’t listen to your old man. When that old bag of evil scratches you, it will be your own damn fault. Of course I will give you a hug when it happens so that you know that you should always, always, always listen to your Daddy, for the rest of your life. Don’t date guys named Chester either. Or guys in a rock band. Or guys that drive a T-bird. Just don’t date, ok?
Parent Says: “Elephant. Can you say Elephant?”
Meaning: As a parent, I am judged on your performance in the world. If you can say words, big words like Elephant, then I look like the greatest parent in the entire world to complete strangers. If you continue to say words like “poot” and “booty” then I look like a redneck hick from Texas. Let’s keep the redneck at home, ok? No one likes that guy.
Parent Says: “Honey, Dad has to go to the bathroom now, ok?”
Meaning: Go away, I want to crap in peace.
Parent Says: “Don’t steal the Drano.”
Meaning: Steal it when I’m not looking so that I have plausible deniability. That shits expensive and it never hurts to have Drano around.